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Old 05-23-2022, 03:51 PM   #2981 (permalink)
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Next time just take a breath and picture everyone in their underwear. If wear you live is anything like where I live you'll just be like "Jesus Christ these people are ugly! Who cares what they think?"
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Old 05-23-2022, 07:45 PM   #2982 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Raime View Post
I've been freaking out a lot lately, and I've been embarrassing myself during said freak outs. I used to be better at handling stress and dealing with stuff, but one thing set me off, and today I just straight up said "Nobody gives a **** about me, I'm tired of feeling worthless, just ****ing get rid of me already" among other things at work. I'm really tired of not being a stable and successful person in life, and just feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I'm miserable, and make everyone around me miserable. I just snap, and before I know it I'm acting like crazy *******, it's painful and ****ing embarrassing. I don't tell people I have suicidal thoughts except for my family and therapist, and I had to call my mom and tell her I might have to check into a hospital because I really wanted to hurt myself earlier and she had to talk me down from doing anything stupid.
I'm very sorry you should feel like that Raime. As your crisis was at work, I hope this helps you a little:-
One thing I've noticed about many work cultures is this: that it's mainly in movies that the official attitude is warm and supportive. In most companies, if you do your work ok, you are disregarded: you're only visible when you make a mistake. By denying you any positive feedback, the bosses probably think that they can guilt you into working harder. Anyway, that's been my general conclusion, so if you're looking for validation at work, you may be looking in the wrong place.
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Old 05-24-2022, 05:47 AM   #2983 (permalink)
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Where I worked, it was mostly a game of trying to survive the day. Managers had their agenda, cashiers fighting over shifts, etc. You could still make friends there so there was camaraderie, but there was also a lot of self-interest in play. Hopefully, the home life is a bit better, Raime.
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Old 05-24-2022, 06:46 AM   #2984 (permalink)
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^ Yep, the camaraderie absolutely makes all the difference!



^ Meanwhile, the guy with the whip goes home and boasts to his neighbours, "I have a job in our Human Resources department."
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Old 05-24-2022, 09:43 AM   #2985 (permalink)
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That's tough raime. Going through them must be hard enough without worrying about what others think idk if it helps but I'd 1000% rather deal with the issues of the people close to me than have them carry it on their own to avoid being a burden
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I want to open a school for MB's lost boys and teach them basic coping skills and build up their self esteem and strengthen their emotional intelligence and teach them about vegetables and institutionalized racism and sexism and then they'll all build a bronze statue of me in my honor and my bronzed titties will forever be groped by the grubby paws of you ****ing whiny pathetic white boys.
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Old 08-06-2022, 04:32 AM   #2986 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by Raime View Post
I've been freaking out a lot lately, and I've been embarrassing myself during said freak outs. I used to be better at handling stress and dealing with stuff, but one thing set me off, and today I just straight up said "Nobody gives a **** about me, I'm tired of feeling worthless, just ****ing get rid of me already" among other things at work. I'm really tired of not being a stable and successful person in life, and just feel like I'm trapped in a situation where I'm miserable, and make everyone around me miserable. I just snap, and before I know it I'm acting like crazy *******, it's painful and ****ing embarrassing. I don't tell people I have suicidal thoughts except for my family and therapist, and I had to call my mom and tell her I might have to check into a hospital because I really wanted to hurt myself earlier and she had to talk me down from doing anything stupid.
I realize it's been a while, but I just dropped by and saw this. How are you doing these days, Raime?

About suicidal thoughts, I'm kinda coming to terms with the fact that I have them and am wondering a bit why. If life gets ****ty, a part of me wants to opt out. You silly old brain, of course I can't do that. I gots kids now.

I'm making an EP and the 4 last songs I wrote actual lyrics to all center around suicide or like the dissolution of the self and its cares. As a result, it's going to be central to the concept of the EP I'm doing, although not in quite as dour a way as it sounds. I dress it up in ways to make it palatable and maybe even fun. But regardless of how I express it, it's like there's a small part of me that yearns for death a little bit and every now and then.

It's been like that for years, but it's gotten more prevalent lately with stress both at work and at home. I wouldn't characterize myself as at risk or anything. I've always been fascinated with morbid stuff, so maybe this is just another facet to that.

I got my problems like anyone else, but overall my life is going pretty well. Is it normal to have such thoughts / feelings? Do other people feel this way? Do you have a degree in psychology and can tell me what's up with this old hunk o' junk brain?
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Last edited by Guybrush; 08-06-2022 at 04:40 AM.
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Old 08-06-2022, 11:17 AM   #2987 (permalink)
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I realize it's been a while, but I just dropped by and saw this. How are you doing these days, Raime?

About suicidal thoughts, I'm kinda coming to terms with the fact that I have them and am wondering a bit why. If life gets ****ty, a part of me wants to opt out. You silly old brain, of course I can't do that. I gots kids now.

I'm making an EP and the 4 last songs I wrote actual lyrics to all center around suicide or like the dissolution of the self and its cares. As a result, it's going to be central to the concept of the EP I'm doing, although not in quite as dour a way as it sounds. I dress it up in ways to make it palatable and maybe even fun. But regardless of how I express it, it's like there's a small part of me that yearns for death a little bit and every now and then.

It's been like that for years, but it's gotten more prevalent lately with stress both at work and at home. I wouldn't characterize myself as at risk or anything. I've always been fascinated with morbid stuff, so maybe this is just another facet to that.

I got my problems like anyone else, but overall my life is going pretty well. Is it normal to have such thoughts / feelings? Do other people feel this way? Do you have a degree in psychology and can tell me what's up with this old hunk o' junk brain?
I am also thinking of Raime and hoping that with the support of his family and therapist, life has gotten a bit easier for him, although life is never, ever easy, especially for people of great sensitivity. The suicidal impulses, panic/anxiety attacks and resultant feelings of shame that Raime described are horrible for anyone to experience.

Tore, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way – and it’s no surprise that these disturbing thoughts have become more prevalent for you lately due to work and personal stress. I am by no means qualified to advise you – but I have struggled with passive suicidal ideations throughout my entire life (since childhood, actually). Don't want to belabor my own situation here, but in my case I think it’s partially a genetically inherited disposition and partially due to childhood trauma. It is something I have had to learn to manage, with the help of a therapist. I would urge you to please seek help from a therapist as well, Tore - because the danger of passive ideations is that they are often not taken seriously until things get much worse. When I am under increased stress the ideations become much more prevalent, as in your current situation. I realize that you are creatively channeling your stress into your music, and while that is beneficial and important, you are also running the risk of submerging some serious negative impulses and thoughts and making light of them (i.e., making them “fun” as you mentioned). Take it from someone who knows and who often “jokes” about her own condition. I know we often say that we would never “off” ourselves because we have children – and while that may be true, your mental health is important and needs to be a top priority for your own sake and for your family’s sake.
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Old 08-06-2022, 03:19 PM   #2988 (permalink)
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I am also thinking of Raime and hoping that with the support of his family and therapist, life has gotten a bit easier for him, although life is never, ever easy, especially for people of great sensitivity. The suicidal impulses, panic/anxiety attacks and resultant feelings of shame that Raime described are horrible for anyone to experience.

Tore, I am very sorry that you are feeling this way – and it’s no surprise that these disturbing thoughts have become more prevalent for you lately due to work and personal stress. I am by no means qualified to advise you – but I have struggled with passive suicidal idealisations throughout my entire life (since childhood, actually). Don't want to belabor my own situation here, but in my case I think it’s partially a genetically inherited disposition and partially due to childhood trauma. It is something I have had to learn to manage, with the help of a therapist. I would urge you to please seek help from a therapist as well, Tore - because the danger of passive ideations is that they are often not taken seriously until things get much worse. When I am under increased stress the ideations become much more prevalent, as in your current situation. I realize that you are creatively channeling your stress into your music, and while that is beneficial and important, you are also running the risk of submerging some serious negative impulses and thoughts and making light of them (i.e., making them “fun” as you mentioned). Take it from someone who knows and who often “jokes” about her own condition. I know we often say that we would never “off” ourselves because we have children – and while that may be true, your mental health is important and needs to be a top priority for your own sake and for your family’s sake.

I absolutely concur with Ribbons (what a sweetheart she is). There's always a place in music for darker idealisations but if you still feel suffocated by your feelings, it might be time to get support from those around you or a therapist. It may take time to find the right one. I have had really dark times in my life (when I had to leave MB because of my abusive ex), I was in a sunken hole of despair but I had visit from my granddad in a dream and he told me he loves me and it will get better. It didn't happen overnight but now I am in my own place, have two beautiful furbabies and a stable job as a Librarian. Although my health has been difficult and affected my ability to go to work so am waiting to find out what a specialist thinks. I also am in the process of getting an ADHD diagnosis. Enough about me for now, but Ribbons mentions trauma and that is something that could be processed to ease the weight on your shoulders. I want you to know I am always here for you, don't hesitate to pm me or not. I can't talk away how you're feeling right now, but I can offer you hope.


Spoiler for A little back story regarding my breakup, I have hidden it as it a major trigger warning for mention of suicide and substances.:
Returning to my main point, after I left my ex, I couldn't cope, was so down and depressed and overdosed on cough syrup, ending up sectioned in a psych ward (by my own admission). After I got through that, I moved into my current abode and nearly went backwards as I didn't know how to exist alone, sat naked in my shower, crying hard and started to slice my wrists. The only thing that stopped me, was my cat Sita coming over to the shower literally crying in a way I've never heard before. She was screaming for me to stop. Over and over she cried and I then stopped out of sadness for her as we are bonded. After that I got into the routine of living alone and it's mainly been the pandemic causing my anxiety to rise and had lots of panic attacks which is not normal for me. Being stuck in my house for 3 months alone during lockdown flared up mental health issues.
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Old 08-06-2022, 05:44 PM   #2989 (permalink)
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Ribbons, Jess, you're too sweet I feel like I've made you worry on my behalf and it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry for that.

I'm not familiar with the term ideations (?), but the first time I remember thinking about it was when I was maybe 12-13 years old or so? I was feeling lonely at the time and when I was up on this mountain ledge, I had this thought I could end it and it was strangely comforting. In my late teens, I secretly struggled a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and I was really scared I was going insane. That also made me scared of suicidal thoughts and I just flat out denied my brain from entertaining any such idea. I didn't feel much of it in my 20s, but these thoughts appeared or reappeared when I came into my 30s.

I started to write a bit about what these thoughts mean to me, but reading it back in my mind, it sounded like it could be triggering - which is not what I want AT ALL! So I deleted it. Suffice to say I'm not bothered by my thoughts, only the other stresses in my life. I think I've had a near brush with burnout from work which has been kinda bad for a few years now and it didn't help when our son got blinded on one eye after an accident last Christmas when we all had covid, etc. There's been a couple other things as well, but it's a little more personal than I'd like to share in writing here.

I deeply appreciate your concern, but will be frank and say I don't wanna see a therapist at the moment and I don't wanna worry my wife or friends about it (including you guys). I'm used to thinking critically about my own thoughts and whipping them into shape when needed so feel like I got a decent handle on it and should be able to recognize it if I need outside help.

Jess, it saddens me to read about your experiences. I hope you are doing well. I also really appreciated your offer, like really really. I don't wanna be a burden to you, but having a friend to talk / message with about some of this junk would be nice. I might pick you up on it
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Old 08-06-2022, 06:55 PM   #2990 (permalink)
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Ribbons, Jess, you're too sweet I feel like I've made you worry on my behalf and it wasn't my intention. I'm sorry for that.

I'm not familiar with the term ideations (?), but the first time I remember thinking about it was when I was maybe 12-13 years old or so? I was feeling lonely at the time and when I was up on this mountain ledge, I had this thought I could end it and it was strangely comforting. In my late teens, I secretly struggled a lot with anxiety and panic attacks and I was really scared I was going insane. That also made me scared of suicidal thoughts and I just flat out denied my brain from entertaining any such idea. I didn't feel much of it in my 20s, but these thoughts appeared or reappeared when I came into my 30s.
They a similar to the concept of intrusive thoughts. We are not our thoughts and shouldn't punish ourselves for feeling a certain way. The problem in our western society is that emotions like anger, sadness or despair are to be avoided or resisted. I got to my thirty's, finally rejected any indoctrination from growing up around Catholicism and Christianity and got in touch with my spiritual side. There I learned together with my mom that we are to just sit with those thoughts, let them pass on their own. In terms of worrying about being insane, most of us have a variety of ways to cope or think. For me personally it was learning I was not hetero-normative due to having ADD and it's helped me accept myself as myself.

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I started to write a bit about what these thoughts mean to me, but reading it back in my mind, it sounded like it could be triggering - which is not what I want AT ALL! So I deleted it. Suffice to say I'm not bothered by my thoughts, only the other stresses in my life. I think I've had a near brush with burnout from work which has been kinda bad for a few years now and it didn't help when our son got blinded on one eye after an accident last Christmas when we all had covid, etc. There's been a couple other things as well, but it's a little more personal than I'd like to share in writing here.
I'm really sorry to hear about your son and all getting covid, what a rough time! No one could go through all that without being affected in some way. I know what you mean about burnout. I think so many people are burnt out but we are forced to work to support ourselves and our family in order to survive. We resist it because it's not healthy for our well being and we miss out on doing what we love or accessing our creative side and learning about unrealised talents. It really is a rat race. Not to be a Debbie downer, however.

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I deeply appreciate your concern, but will be frank and say I don't wanna see a therapist at the moment and I don't wanna worry my wife or friends about it (including you guys). I'm used to thinking critically about my own thoughts and whipping them into shape when needed so feel like I got a decent handle on it and should be able to recognize it if I need outside help.

Jess, it saddens me to read about your experiences. I hope you are doing well. I also really appreciated your offer, like really really. I don't wanna be a burden to you, but having a friend to talk / message with about some of this junk would be nice. I might pick you up on it
That's absolutely fine, it's your decision and I hope we can chat through things together and you will have me as an impartial friend My zodiac is Cancer which makes us good listeners and caring of others. It's my upmost pleasure to be able to chat with an intelligent being such as yourself.
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