The Official Joke Thread

GD · 11-18-2013, 12:16 PM

Here's one I made up myself, but it's not very good:
"They say that Henry VIII's last wife outlived him, although I suppose it would be more apt to say she survived him."

~~Sansa Stark~~ · 11-18-2013, 12:34 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigantic Debaser

Here's one I made up myself, but it's not very good:
"They say that Henry VIII's last wife outlived him, although I suppose it would be more apt to say she survived him."

Only two of his wives were actually killed by him

GD · 11-18-2013, 12:40 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sansa Stark

Only two of his wives were actually killed by him

Yea, I know.
But if you got married to some guy who had had five wives previously and killed two of them, wouldn't you also be at least a little relieved when he kicked the bucket?...

~~Sansa Stark~~ · 11-18-2013, 12:45 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gigantic Debaser

Yea, I know.
But if you got married to some guy who had had five wives previously and killed two of them, wouldn't you also be at least a little relieved when he kicked the bucket?...

some guy =/= King of England

GD · 11-18-2013, 12:49 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sansa Stark

some guy =/= King of England

All the more reason to be nervous/relieved I would think...

edit: And also, I don't think getting married to the King of England would be a very likely scenario, so I went with "some guy".

LennyComa · 11-26-2013, 08:56 AM

A man walks into a bank and after waiting for 20 minutes in line he goes straight to a customer service rep and says
"Hey, lady, I got this here cheque for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore."
"Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank."
"Well excuse me, but this f*ckin' cheque ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language."
"Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says.
"Well then let's get the f*ckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of sh*t is this I
have to take from you?"
The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?"
The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it."
The man says "Hey all's I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this f*ckin' cheque for 15 million dollars."
The manager looks at the cheque and then at the man and says "And this f*ckin' bitch won't help you?"

dreadman · 11-26-2013, 12:36 PM

Two hundered years ago, by a few strange turn of events, a farmer was granted one wish by a genie. He had a pretty good life, and all he could think of was an unlimited supply of whiskey (which isn't bad, by the way). "So be it....", the genie exclaimed with a voice sounding a lot like Palin from the Monty Python's Flying Circus. "...from this day forth, your urine shall be whiskey!" Thankful and exited about this prospect, the farmer quickly returned home to give it a try.

When he arrives at his farm, he walks straight in to the house and grabs a cup, pees in it, and suspiciously gives it a sniff. "Hmmm, it smells like whiskey", he says to himself and continues to carefully dip the tip of his finger in the contents of the cup and then give the fingertip a quick lick. "Amazing!! It tastes like whiskey too", he shouts. Now, quite confident that it actually is whiskey, he takes a sip and sits down on his favourite chair to finish the cup.

After a while, his wife comes in and wonders what he is up to. After explaining everything to her, he pours her a cup of whiskey and hands it over. With serious doubt and a very suspicious look on her face, the wife qoes through the same procedure as he first did, but eventually comes to realize that it actually is whiskey. And so, they both lean back and enjoy their whiskey after what usually was a hard day's work -- seeing that they were farmers and this was the early 19th century.

That day happened to be a Monday, and the farmer and his wife came to share a whiskey or two every evening, after the usual farmwork had been finished. That Saturday, however, the farmer managed to finish his chores early, and therefore figured he had the time for a lot of whiskey. So, he grabbed a big water jar, filled it up and set to work on it. He managed to down a respectful amount before his wife showed up and wondered why he hadn't poured her one. The farmer had his wits about him, despite his condition at that time, and thusly replied: "Today's Saturday, honey, you can drink straight from the bottle".

Isbjørn · 11-27-2013, 04:20 AM

What's grey and red and comes in litres?
An elephant.

What's grey and green and comes in litres?
Same elephant after a couple of weeks.

What do you do if there's an elephant in your house?
Run out before you drown.

The Batlord · 11-30-2013, 08:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Briks

What's grey and red and comes in litres?
An elephant.

What's grey and green and comes in litres?
Same elephant after a couple of weeks.

What do you do if there's an elephant in your house?
Run out before you drown.

Dude...what?

djchameleon · 11-30-2013, 05:38 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by The Batlord

Dude...what?

I thought I was the only one.

I was like huh?

11-26-2013, 12:36 PM	#457 (permalink)
dreadman Groupie Join Date: Oct 2013 Location: Up North Posts: 5	Two hundered years ago, by a few strange turn of events, a farmer was granted one wish by a genie. He had a pretty good life, and all he could think of was an unlimited supply of whiskey (which isn't bad, by the way). "So be it....", the genie exclaimed with a voice sounding a lot like Palin from the Monty Python's Flying Circus. "...from this day forth, your urine shall be whiskey!" Thankful and exited about this prospect, the farmer quickly returned home to give it a try. When he arrives at his farm, he walks straight in to the house and grabs a cup, pees in it, and suspiciously gives it a sniff. "Hmmm, it smells like whiskey", he says to himself and continues to carefully dip the tip of his finger in the contents of the cup and then give the fingertip a quick lick. "Amazing!! It tastes like whiskey too", he shouts. Now, quite confident that it actually is whiskey, he takes a sip and sits down on his favourite chair to finish the cup. After a while, his wife comes in and wonders what he is up to. After explaining everything to her, he pours her a cup of whiskey and hands it over. With serious doubt and a very suspicious look on her face, the wife qoes through the same procedure as he first did, but eventually comes to realize that it actually is whiskey. And so, they both lean back and enjoy their whiskey after what usually was a hard day's work -- seeing that they were farmers and this was the early 19th century. That day happened to be a Monday, and the farmer and his wife came to share a whiskey or two every evening, after the usual farmwork had been finished. That Saturday, however, the farmer managed to finish his chores early, and therefore figured he had the time for a lot of whiskey. So, he grabbed a big water jar, filled it up and set to work on it. He managed to down a respectful amount before his wife showed up and wondered why he hadn't poured her one. The farmer had his wits about him, despite his condition at that time, and thusly replied: "Today's Saturday, honey, you can drink straight from the bottle". __________________ */Dreadman* Last edited by dreadman; 11-26-2013 at 12:41 PM. Reason: grammar, spelling

11-27-2013, 04:20 AM	#458 (permalink)
Isbjørn cooler commie than elph Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: In a hole, help Posts: 2,811	What's grey and red and comes in litres? An elephant. What's grey and green and comes in litres? Same elephant after a couple of weeks. What do you do if there's an elephant in your house? Run out before you drown. __________________ fast(ml) Hear me play the guitar Look, mom! I got a journal

11-18-2013, 12:16 PM	#451 (permalink)
GD ???pp? ??snW Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: NO Posts: 686	Here's one I made up myself, but it's not very good: "They say that Henry VIII's last wife outlived him, although I suppose it would be more apt to say she survived him."

11-26-2013, 08:56 AM	#456 (permalink)
LennyComa Groupie Join Date: Nov 2013 Location: Live - Dunoon. Work - Juba Posts: 29	A man walks into a bank and after waiting for 20 minutes in line he goes straight to a customer service rep and says "Hey, lady, I got this here cheque for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fckin' cheque ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of sht is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey all's I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fckin' cheque for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the cheque and then at the man and says "And this f*ckin' bitch won't help you?"