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Old 12-06-2021, 11:00 AM   #4121 (permalink)
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Speaking of people who don’t deserve it: I’m so sorry that you and Hanna had to endure that abuse. It’s a credit to you as a father that you put her first and went to great lengths to protect her. Hey, there’s a reason why she’s turned out so well.

In a way, it’s a blessing that our children have had little contact with their father (although I would’ve preferred they had a healthy relationship and tried to foster that – but it’s just not possible). I’ve had sole custody of them, and he’s not capable of looking beyond his own needs so as to be inclined to interfere in their lives.

Thanks for your kind words, Plank – and for sharing your experience, which I know is not easy since that can sometimes trigger bad memories.
No worries ribbons. That's all in the past, and Hanna and me have moved well beyond it all. Hanna still see's her mother (who recently OD'ed again I might add) from time to time, so she at least has a relationship with her. I've always told her that even though it may not appear to be the case on may occasions, that her mother still loves her very much. One thing I've learned from personal experience is to foster understanding and acceptance of a child's parents no matter what. I was denied that and was taught to hate my Dad, who I later found again and developed a beautiful relationship with later in life before his passing. Only in certain extreme cases should a child be kept from their natural birth parents. Those are the most important, organic, and personal connections a child/person can have.

You seem to have a healthy grasp of that concept too, which isn't surprising. You're one of the good ones.
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Old 12-06-2021, 01:57 PM   #4122 (permalink)
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No worries ribbons. That's all in the past, and Hanna and me have moved well beyond it all. Hanna still see's her mother (who recently OD'ed again I might add) from time to time, so she at least has a relationship with her. I've always told her that even though it may not appear to be the case on may occasions, that her mother still loves her very much. One thing I've learned from personal experience is to foster understanding and acceptance of a child's parents no matter what. I was denied that and was taught to hate my Dad, who I later found again and developed a beautiful relationship with later in life before his passing. Only in certain extreme cases should a child be kept from their natural birth parents. Those are the most important, organic, and personal connections a child/person can have.

You seem to have a healthy grasp of that concept too, which isn't surprising. You're one of the good ones.
Glad that Hanna has developed a relationship with her mother, but sorry to hear about her mother’s recent OD. I gather substance abuse has been part and parcel of Hanna’s mom’s issues throughout the years. I hope for your family’s sake that she will one day find lasting treatment and recovery, because she may be a very different person indeed without substance use.

I agree it’s very important not to villify the other parent but rather to encourage a comprehension of the other parent’s behavior (e.g., mental illness, substance abuse) while emphasizing to children that they are loved by the other parent, even if the love is not readily apparent.

Thanks again, Plank – you’re definitely one of the good ones and Hanna is so fortunate to have you as a dad.
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Old 12-06-2021, 03:52 PM   #4123 (permalink)
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Cella, just want to say - it's so great to see you again! Welcome back to MB. I'm so sorry that you were in a similar situation and I'm relieved to know that you were able to disentangle and disengage from it, as difficult as that was - and believe me, I know what a toll that must have taken on you. Yes, gaslighting and then "hoovering" is what it's all about with narcissists.

Thanks so much for your support and I may just take you up on your offer of lending an ear, as I really value your opinions. *Hugs* back!

Sorry for the late reply, my internet has been playing up! I really appreciate the welcome back It really was the most miserable thing I've been through (and I've been through near death experiences, large earthquakes, etc, etc), there was one point I was so desperate to get out but didn't know how and my dead grandfather came to me in a dream and told me that he loves me and things will get better, which I can absolutely say they did! He was part of the reason I didn't come on MB. Once I started telling my friends, colleagues and parents I was able to get out. A promotion at work took me to a new suburb which gave me a great excuse to move out. He would love bomb then gaslight, total textbook narcissist. There's tons more I can say but I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable.



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My daughters mother was very abusive, verbally, and physically, so I had to separate myself from the equation completely to keep her from using our daughter as a tool against me. One of the hardest yet best decisions I had ever made concerning that mess. Many years later, after she had no one to target and disappeared, she had some sort of epiphany and apologized for everything she'd done to both Hanna and myself.

I hope you can find some comfort in the people around you and eventually get some sort of closure ribs. You don't deserve that kind of abuse. No one does.

I am so sorry you had to go through that experience Plankton. It's really underestimated how many men have abusive female partners. I am glad to hear that she apologised, it's important. You are a hero!
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Old 12-06-2021, 07:21 PM   #4124 (permalink)
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Glad that Hanna has developed a relationship with her mother, but sorry to hear about her mother’s recent OD. I gather substance abuse has been part and parcel of Hanna’s mom’s issues throughout the years. I hope for your family’s sake that she will one day find lasting treatment and recovery, because she may be a very different person indeed without substance use.

I agree it’s very important not to villify the other parent but rather to encourage a comprehension of the other parent’s behavior (e.g., mental illness, substance abuse) while emphasizing to children that they are loved by the other parent, even if the love is not readily apparent.

Thanks again, Plank – you’re definitely one of the good ones and Hanna is so fortunate to have you as a dad.
I don't think we'll ever really find out, which is sad. She's too far gone right now. I mean, there's hope, but even thats a far reach. She's had a stroke recently too.

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I am so sorry you had to go through that experience Plankton. It's really underestimated how many men have abusive female partners. I am glad to hear that she apologised, it's important. You are a hero!
Thank you Cella. It's nothing any relatively sane person wouldn't do under the circumstances.

Good seeing you around again.
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Old 12-14-2021, 09:39 AM   #4125 (permalink)
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Feeling anxious as my ex-husband has been leaving voicemails saying he's breaking up with his girlfriend and moving to a new apartment and wants to talk. We rarely talk and this only happens when he's in between relationships. I wish he wanted to talk to his own children more than once or twice a year. He's very narcissistic and it triggers me when I hear from him. Last time he started contacting me (again, during a breakup) he insinuated he would like to reconcile (a completely crazy notion given our history and his non-involvement with our children) but I gingerly changed the topic and he started showing his temper to me. Anyway, I may or may not call back this weekend (else his messages will become more hostile) but just the thought of it is making my hands shake as I type this.
Just wanted to say how sorry I am that you have this situation in your life, and that you've gone through what sounds like an abusive relationship. I can sort of imagine what it's like, I've had an abusive person in my life (my father) so can understand what it's like to have to manage these types of people (avoiding "provoking" them because who knows what might happen). In some kind of ideal world, these people would be removed from civilized society. But alas...hope it all goes well and you continue to manage it well. Positive vibes from this part of the world...
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Old 12-15-2021, 12:50 AM   #4126 (permalink)
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I've always told her that even though it may not appear to be the case on may occasions, that her mother still loves her very much.
My wife had a destructive side and I had a similar conversation with my son when he asked if his mum still loved him. I just told him she loved him she just didn’t love herself. I’m just thankful she spent the last couple of years repairing their relationship before she passed away. I mean it’s still **** losing his mum but I just think his grief would be so much more complicated with that added layer of doubt.
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Old 12-15-2021, 07:45 AM   #4127 (permalink)
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My wife had a destructive side and I had a similar conversation with my son when he asked if his mum still loved him. I just told him she loved him she just didn’t love herself. I’m just thankful she spent the last couple of years repairing their relationship before she passed away. I mean it’s still **** losing his mum but I just think his grief would be so much more complicated with that added layer of doubt.
Good on ya man. That was probably very hard for her and of course for everyone else involved as well. People need love, compassion, and understanding to build on.
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Old 12-15-2021, 10:50 PM   #4128 (permalink)
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I'm not sure it's absolutely necessary to have a loving relationship with your parents. I don't think I have much love for my father. I grew up fearing him and then left home to study and eventually work abroad. The rest of my family managed to somehow repair their relationships with him by being close to him in his old age when he mellowed out quite a bit and became a pitiful invalid. I skipped this step but feel I don't need to go through some kind of catharsis with him. I understand he did the best he could with what he was dealt with (his temper wasn't a choice), but I also can't pretend he was a great parent and somehow invent feelings that aren't there. He is someone that is in my life and he's ok now as an old man but looking at it objectively, I don't have a fraction of sentiment towards him as compared with my mother. And I feel that's ok. I don't have much rancor anymore and if he died tomorrow I don't think I would have any regrets. Maybe a psychologist would feel otherwise. :/
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Old 12-16-2021, 07:34 AM   #4129 (permalink)
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Not sure about that, adidasss. I have an estranged relationship with my own father (take it from me, divorce really sucks when you're a kid). We barely exchange E-mails and I guess I still have some pent up resentment. Yet, I know that when he passes, I will feel great regret and not having been closer to him. He's basically a good person, wasn't abusive, just kind of distant.
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Old 12-31-2021, 02:16 PM   #4130 (permalink)
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Well My Mother was always seeming to be for us two sisters...but as we left home she manipulated us and set us against each other..My sister said when Mother died your still letting her win...
I got told eventually that she died of Dementia. My oldest Son worked so hard to please her..She loved him so much and we use to joke, hey it is your Son really...not ours at all.
He was called the golden boy and before she died she changed the Will and left him everything....I was bitter for a while and so was my sister but then we stopped talking as the emotional roller coaster set in.
I am sick myself right now and to be honest money is not gonna fix that...He has to live with his conscious I am just trying to live.
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