At The Crossing Places

[Mykonos]

I'm not really sure if I'm going to go anywhere with this, but when do I ever? I'll try to make this a vaguely interesting read for you guys at least, but it's me talking about myself so you might experience severe drowsiness. I'll also try to explain colloquial terms because I get too British at times.

Okay, the whole point of this thread is that it's been just a bit more than a half term since I basically took my first step towards adulthood, but entering further education for my A levels (the part of education between the ages of 16-18). People always go on about how they're a big step up from GCSEs (the last bit of education everyone has to do, between 14-16), and they truly are. While I sat through the last couple of years barely putting any effort in and came out fine, I'm feeling that I need to challenge myself to keep to a high quality this year, and I'm loving it. I moan a lot about school and education in general, but I genuinely enjoy learning, and so far I've actually found it quite enjoyable.

The real change for me however was my move to a different school. I've been thrown into an entirely unfamiliar atmosphere and for the first time in my life I don't have an army of adults doting on my naïvity. Something like a new school is no doubt a daunting experience for everyone, and I'm no exception. New buildings to navigate, new cliques to understand, new peers to meet, new teachers to love and hate. There's a huge amount to take in.

Perhaps to best explain why I moved to this new school, it would be best to explain my old one. My previous school (which I'll just call JWS here) wasn't a very nice place. Even at the close of five years there I didn't feel like I fitted in anywhere. Many of the teachers were far, far below the acceptable quality for teaching standards, their stupid policies had forced me to waste part of my future prospects on Technology, a lesson that I've always been awful at, the scars of my early years in the school when I had made few friends and alienated many people still ran deep in me, and for the final year of my time there the position of Headteacher had been taken by a terrible woman that managed to turn the place into a living hell in a very short amount of time.

All of these reasons are minor though, compared to the main reason for me wanting to leave that I've kept to myself. Throughout my teenage life, I've never been able to be me. Even though I've never really contributed much here, this forum's pretty much seen me as I truly am. I've changed into a completely different person in recent years, and others haven't adapted to see that.

I was a rather antisocial, cold and masculine child up until a few years ago, and to conform to what they want me to be I still have to act like it around my family and friends from my old school. The situation with my family is so ridiculous that they'd mock me to tears if they realised I was interested in art and fashion. Likewise, my persona when I first entered JWS meant that I ended up forming friendships with the kind of people who I grew to hate in my later years, and to prevent them from mentally torturing me to suicide as well I had to act like the same old person. My new school (which I'll refer to as AT) seemed like an ideal new chance for me. I feel that I've become my true self by now, and I wanted a chance to be myself in a new place, away from the judgement of people who think they know me. One of the ideal solutions in AT was that I knew a few people there already, but only in very recent years. In addition, I didn't know them particularly well, meaning they probably hadn't come to a false judgement about me yet.

And so, I chose to go to AT, and from the moment I arrived for my first day to now, I haven't looked back. My A level subjects have mostly been enjoyable and interesting for me, especially English which has quickly gone from my least favourite of my four subjects to my favourite in the last week, the school itself feels fairly sensible and well-run, and most importantly, my social goals were met. I have a few regrets from leaving JWS; I can name 4 friends from there that I genuinely liked even though we didn't belong together, and a couple of teachers there were some of the greatest people I've ever known. But as a whole, I've undoubtedly enjoyed my time at AT more.

Obviously the most important thing for me was forging friendships. Throughout my life, I'd say that I've only had two truly close friendships. Both were very, very good friends, but I grew away from them both, and now I doubt I'd even find common ground with them on anything I used to. Everyone else has just been a 'friend' to me, a way of passing the boredom between lessons or making myself look good in front of other people. I've always felt like a social outcast, and I've never truly been sure why. I think this is the reason for why I waste so much of my life in front of computers. I have an insatiable desire for social intimacy and friendship, but I never seem to get to enjoy it, so I compensate by losing myself in the fictional worlds of games.

But anyway, after about a week at AT, my 'people I sort of know' gambit paid off perfectly. By then I'd fallen in with a group of people who even after such a short time I would have thought of as my friends, and after knowing them for 8 weeks I'd say they've already become good friends, better than the ones I'm used to. I think the thing that hit me the most was that they care at me. Even my family and previously mentioned best friends rarely show affection for me, but these guys do. Even when I hadn't known them for long they did their best to help me when I felt terrible from a headache, and they've actually asked me to do things with them outside of school, an event so rare with my friends from JWS that I came to think of it as happening once every half term holiday and never any other time.

I think that maybe the most important thing about this experience is actually what I've learned about myself. I've always thought of myself as a pariah, a social failure. I've come to realise that I've only believed that because of the old me that I've acted like for my entire life. People have been quicker to accept the true me before anything before. I've gained confidence, as my previous GCSE worries of 'oh, I'm too lazy to get anywhere in life' have been partly dispelled by me proving that I can work and enjoy it when I feel I need to.*

And I think, most importantly, I'm happy. As far back as I can remember I've slipped in and out of periods of depression and apathy. No more. Since settling in at AT I can't recall one time when I truly felt depressed or as pathetic as I used to. I'm not religious, although I guess I'm quite a spiritual person so I can get away with saying this. Sometimes people can feel lost, out of place, a part of the wrong jigsaw thrown into a box with the right pieces. To carry that crappy metaphor, the right jigsaw's still out there for them, no matter who they are. They've just got to embrace themself and find it.

I guess I wanted to do more than share this with you guys, as I think moments like this in life are important to the people that go through with them. So if any of you want to share important times in your life that you feel changed you, or maybe if you're experiencing something similar to me right now, you should talk about them here. And if anybody's worrying about something like this, all I can truly say is, don't. The amount of worrying going through my head in the build-up to my changing point was immense, and I'm amazed I didn't crack under it all. And despite everything, I turned out leaving it better than I'd ever imagined I could. So try and look forward to it, and hope for the best. And if you don't get what you wanted, well, you can always do what I never did and keep trying to reach it.

[Janszoon]

That's great to hear man, I'm happy to hear things are going so well for you!

[Sneer]

Really enjoyed reading that, I can relate to a quite a bit of it too. Good to hear things are on the up, good luck with your A-Levels.