埋 I need your help

selluette · 11-22-2005, 06:42 AM

埋
Fly a kite.
Find a job.
Go bury a bone.

Someone once wrote,
and I like this crazy poem.

I can fly a kite
if the wind helps.
Find a job,
if the boss is my dad.

But when I die,
burned ashes I fly,
how can I carry the stone?
Or knife my own tomb?

My bone,
one thing I really owned.

DontRunMeOver · 11-22-2005, 07:00 AM

I like this. In its simplicity and completeness it works well. No real criticisms at the moment, apart from:

'My bone, one thing I really owned'

Might fare better as:

'My bones, the only things I really owned'
'My bones, all that I really owned'

Or something which makes 'bone' plural. If you keep it singular it might get confused with:
1. Bone = problem. As in "I have a bone to pick with you".
2. Bone = erection, or 'to have sexual intercourse'. As in "I've got a boner" or "I'd like to bone her" (which rhyme!).

Hope that helps...

11-22-2005, 06:42 AM	#1 (permalink)
selluette Groupie Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 8	埋 I need your help 埋 Fly a kite. Find a job. Go bury a bone. Someone once wrote, and I like this crazy poem. I can fly a kite if the wind helps. Find a job, if the boss is my dad. But when I die, burned ashes I fly, how can I carry the stone? Or knife my own tomb? My bone, one thing I really owned.

11-22-2005, 07:00 AM	#2 (permalink)
DontRunMeOver They call me Tundra Boy Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: In your linen cupboard. Posts: 1,166	I like this. In its simplicity and completeness it works well. No real criticisms at the moment, apart from: 'My bone, one thing I really owned' Might fare better as: 'My bones, the only things I really owned' 'My bones, all that I really owned' Or something which makes 'bone' plural. If you keep it singular it might get confused with: 1. Bone = problem. As in "I have a bone to pick with you". 2. Bone = erection, or 'to have sexual intercourse'. As in "I've got a boner" or "I'd like to bone her" (which rhyme!). Hope that helps...