Blade Of Red

Laces Out Dan! · 07-26-2006, 02:22 PM

i dont understand why people cant just write stuff thats not super cliche..everyone comes here and its like..."Death, Blood, Reeper, sorrow, missery, like wtf..

ZeppelinAir · 07-26-2006, 02:31 PM

well i dont like the happy sounding songs, and the Grim Reaper is on of my favorite topics

Laces Out Dan! · 07-26-2006, 02:32 PM

Fuckin eh

ZeppelinAir · 07-27-2006, 01:10 AM

^whats with that

Raine · 07-27-2006, 06:27 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZeppelinAir

Being of Insanity

(bell ringing)
In a place of mist and misery,
Is the ruined graves of lives past,
In a place where the dead may rest,

The man of pain,
A mind plagued with insanity ,
Thoughts of death and sorrow,
Fill his every thought,
His only purpose is to keep the dead at rest,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of all who pass,
The figure in the mist,
Keeps them at rest, 2x

The screams of souls,
Feeds his with insanity,
Screaming to see the light,
The light they will never see again,

The Figures in stone,
Watch their own,
As he sits,
Waiting to take another soul,

Keeper of the dead,
Ruler of all who pass,
The figure in the mist,
Keeps them at rest, 2x

(bell Ringing)

The Grim Reeper or Keeper of the Dead (as you call him) is not a being of insanity. he's inevitable. He has a job that he must do. Nothing insane about that. You have this urge to use this word. Stop. And this new title is no better than some of your earlier ones.
I'm trying to play around with the words and I'm coming up with next to nada.

Your first stanza isn't too great either. You've got two good lines used to talk abuot the same thing and together they kinda clash and it makes sense but. . . you're being a little repetitive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZepplinAir

In a place of mist and misery,
Is the ruined graves of lives past,
In a place where the dead may rest,

vs

In a place of mist and misery,
are the ruined graves of lives past

I suggest scrapping the last line because it's sorta redundant of the first one. And in the second line there is a grammatical error.
Is is singular. The subject is plural. These are the rules of verb/subject agreement. The rules change slightly when the object is a person or a group of people though for future references.

And now that I think about it. You shuold just mix your first two stanzas together because your second stanza is related to the first one but they're two seperate ideas in a way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ZepplinAir

In a place of mist and misery,
Is the ruined graves of lives past,
In a place where the dead may rest,

The man of pain,
A mind plagued with insanity ,
Thoughts of death and sorrow,
Fill his every thought,
His only purpose is to keep the dead at rest,

vs

In a place of mist and misery
Is a man of pain;
his mind plagued with insanity.
Thoughts of death and sorrow
Fill his every thought
In the place where dead rest in peace

or something like that. I more or less just mixed your first two stanzas together. Although the ending was mine. Play around with it. See what you come up with.
And the seoncd line is not the best one. That should be changed I think. Unless you can come up with something where it sounds appropiate.
It sounds right enough I guess but anyone that really pays attention to the lyrics in a song might find it doesn't quite fit. He's not really a man of pain. But he does bring pain to the families of the poeple whose lives he has taken. That sorta thing.

Once again, good luck with this.

sleepy jack · 07-27-2006, 04:50 PM

I just wanted to tell you, this has definetly improved alot, good job. I'll critique it proper later. Keep at it man.

creepinson · 08-23-2006, 01:35 PM

i agree with moses... but rhymezone.com kicks rhymer.com's ass any day

Ace · 08-23-2006, 03:15 PM

Enough. Keep going over it untill you are completely satisfied. If you have even the smallest doubt in a line, change it. You are your best critic.
Keep working with it untill you know it's right, and write it how you want it to be written.

swim · 08-23-2006, 03:19 PM

Um. You've definitely come a long way from riping off Stairway to Heaven. The only advice I can give is keep writing and make an effort to write about something you've never read.

07-26-2006, 02:22 PM	#21 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	i dont understand why people cant just write stuff thats not super cliche..everyone comes here and its like..."Death, Blood, Reeper, sorrow, missery, like wtf.. __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

07-26-2006, 02:31 PM	#22 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	well i dont like the happy sounding songs, and the Grim Reaper is on of my favorite topics __________________ not that old signature

07-26-2006, 02:32 PM	#23 (permalink)
Laces Out Dan! I love Puck Join Date: Sep 2005 Location: British Columbia Posts: 4,614	Fuckin eh __________________ We are entirely smooth, We admit to the truth, We are the best at what we do.

07-27-2006, 01:10 AM	#24 (permalink)
ZeppelinAir Long time no see Join Date: Jun 2006 Location: somewhere in Michigan Posts: 512	^whats with that __________________ not that old signature

08-23-2006, 03:19 PM	#29 (permalink)
swim dontcareaboutyou Join Date: Apr 2006 Location: North Carolina Posts: 5,188	Um. You've definitely come a long way from riping off Stairway to Heaven. The only advice I can give is keep writing and make an effort to write about something you've never read. __________________ http://nakednaps.bandcamp.com/

08-23-2006, 01:35 PM	#27 (permalink)
creepinson you are freakin out, man Join Date: Jan 2006 Location: ajax, ontario Posts: 129	i agree with moses... but rhymezone.com kicks rhymer.com's ass any day