Schizotypic

That made absolutly no sense at all. Elaborate?

darkcornerinthecloset

umm, sorry, i think i just posted something on the wrong thread.

darkcornerinthecloset

Ironic how I hide who I am and yet
broadcast it to the world
Is it not obvious if you open up your eyes
and minds?

I stand dead center in the middle of the stage
in your embrace People surround us but no one sits to watch the show
Empty seats but people mill around but
they don't even look up at the actors

trying their hardest to be what they're not

In ripped and faded and dirty clothes
I stand beside the well-dressed mother****ers
Yelling and screaming to be heard
No one hears over the sound of

lies ****ing LIES

No one ever hears what I have to say
because the lies cover my sobs when I cry
And they don't notice how wrong we are together
because they notice nothing

And that may be for the best

WWWP

We don't need no water let the motherfucker burn.

Burn, bitch, burn.

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Schizotypic

Suggestions for revision: Go look up how to use line breaks for emphasis. Take all constructive critism you get and apply it. Spend about two to three hours on a poem.

darkcornerinthecloset

i agree that the line breaks should be for emphasis, but those are the lines i want to emphasize. do you think different lines would be better?

Schizotypic

Ironic how I hide who I am and yet
broadcast it to the world
Is it not obvious if you open up your eyes
and minds?

Syllables: line 1 (11), line 2 (6), line 3 (13), line 4 (2)
There's no rythm in this.
Try writing a sentence and breaking it where there should be emphasis at the same time as using a little rythm.
I.e- (some song my girlfriend showed me) "If this is the life, why does it feel so good to die today?"
If this is the life
Why does it feel so
Good to die today?

Each line has five syllables and the line breaks are when a new thought is... actually that's not such a great example, but you get the picture.
Also it might help to look up synonyms, so you can shorten or lengthen lines to give a stanza an overall feeling. Doing stuff like this will make creating a poem more challenging, and will take longer, but it helps improve abilites if you keep on trying over and over. Practice makes perfect.

darkcornerinthecloset

Ironic how I hide who I am [9]
yet broadcast it to the world [7]
Is it not obvious if you [8]
open up your eyes and minds? [7]

We stand dead center in the middle of the stage [12]
People surround us but no one sits to watch the show [13]
Empty seats but people mill around onstage [11]
they don't even look up at the actors [10]

trying their hardest to be what they're not [10]

In ripped and faded and dirty clothes [9]
I stand beside the well-dressed mother****ers [11]
Yelling and screaming to be heard [8]
No one hears over the sound of [8]

lies ****ing LIES [4]

No one ever hears what I have to say [10]
because the lies cover my sobs when I cry [11]
And they don't notice how wrong we are together [12]
because they notice nothing outside of their own farce [13]

And that may be for the best [7]

darkcornerinthecloset

i think thats better but not by much. the sylable count is on the side of each line

7gaugejames

Greetings from San Diego California, Hello to the dark corner of the closet.
In my happy, happy, joy, joy, life I sometimes miss frustration poetry, and this poem is frustrated. If I may, I'm no expert, but if constructiveness is the key to structure, we can do a few things.

Ask yourself what is my theme, not the general emotion you're coming from.
I believe the theme to be along the lines of... "I am the main character of this poem, I pour out my pain at being miscast in the theater of life(all lifes a stage) The audience is at once present yet non responsive, this is frustrating as I just want to show myself." Is this the case?

Questions, 1) is it right to say you hide in the first line yet the body of the work is about revelation of inner self?
2) Is it clear who screaming these lies... is it the actors on stage drowning you out or is the audience screaming lies, lies and not paying attn. because theyve been jaded by hearing the lies over and over?
3) Now if you want to seperate your self from those around you on stage, how would you do it, by standing center? or by moving toward the edge of the stage and shouting (the truth?) at the nearest patron?

suggestions, 1) try adding more effort in the form of actions you take throughout the work highlighting your frustration at the ineffectiveness of the effort.
2) Keep the cursing out. It's not poetic it's reactionary in nature.
3) Your final line in the poem should not leave the reader asking or answering a question, they should be left with no doubt about what is best.
4) keep writing

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