darkcornerinthecloset's Songwriting Journal

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-13-2009, 03:15 PM

Im trying something different; no stanza breaks. some advice, please?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I want to escape the bigots who
chain me here,
who handcuff
my wrists to a chair.
I want to die on
my feet,
feel the wind on
my face
as I turn towards
my Father.
I want to die in her arms
with her fingers stroking
my hair.
I want to escape with you into the summer
feel the grass between
my toes
and feel you standing right beside me.
Though it may be a sin you are all that I want
now and forever.
Amen.

anticipation · 03-13-2009, 03:24 PM

what i want is a guarantee.

jackhammer · 03-13-2009, 04:26 PM

darkcornerinthecloset:

If you continue to post in this forum only then your posts are effectively spam and will be dealt with as per MB rules.

Freebase Dali · 03-13-2009, 04:38 PM

Taking into consideration what Jackhammer said,

Darkcorner:
It may be advantageous of you to try a poetry forum if your only interest is getting solid advice regarding poetry.
You'll find better suited opinion and experience in a place where you don't have to worry about "contributing" elsewhere in a forum that holds no interest for you.
I'm not bagging on the rules here, nor am I kissing mod a$$, but in your best interests, you'd be better served in a writing/poetry forum if your only interests are posting poetry... Otherwise, you run the risk of getting banned from this forum and losing your outlet.
I figured I'd tell you that so you could understand how you could be better benefited, because it doesn't seem like the authority has time to touch base on a level beyond impersonally enforcing a static rule... Even though that rule is totally valid.

Just a thought.
Check out your options man.
You could thrive in an environment suited for what you're trying to do.
Unfortunately, this is not that environment.
If you need help finding something that works for you, let me know.
I'm more than willing to help.

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-13-2009, 04:42 PM

thank you, ill look into both of those

Schizotypic · 03-14-2009, 11:59 AM

Psh, yeah right! Then you'd have to apply constructive critisism!

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-15-2009, 10:55 AM

Inner Voices

i look into the mirror
what are you looking for
i see no change from this
constant,
unending,
monotony
of me
get a life
well, son, i’ve got one
and it may not be the best
but it sure as hell ain’t the worst
and i could climb higher or fall to my death
stay where you are
i don’t think i will, thanks
don’t take the risk
well, i’ll risk what i want
it’s my own neck
and i’m done listening to you
no don’t go!
i’m facing my demons
conquering my fear of heights
i’m leaving home
and conquering you
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
in my poem, is it obvious that the speaker in italics is a voice in the protagonists head, or do i need to come right out and say it in the title like i have it now? opinions, please?

chard · 03-17-2009, 04:45 AM

It seems to me the reader you have a heavy burden, your carrying on your shoulders.
In time it will become a cushion.Have you tried yoga.

paradoxy · 03-18-2009, 11:48 AM

I think it is fairly obvious, but that may just be me. I am cheered that you see how inaction and fear of chance can paralyze.....kudos to you for facing your fears and embracing change, no matter the risk.....takes courage...believe in yourself...

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-18-2009, 06:33 PM

thank you, but although it is first person it is not my perspective; it is someone i know. thanks a lot for your comment about the title. i thought it was too, but as i wrote it i understood the thought process behind it, and when i have a subconscious bias it clouds my judgment on anything i write.

03-13-2009, 03:15 PM	#131 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	What I want Im trying something different; no stanza breaks. some advice, please? ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I want to escape the bigots who chain me here, who handcuff my wrists to a chair. I want to die on my feet, feel the wind on my face as I turn towards my Father. I want to die in her arms with her fingers stroking my hair. I want to escape with you into the summer feel the grass between my toes and feel you standing right beside me. Though it may be a sin you are all that I want now and forever. Amen.

03-13-2009, 04:26 PM	#133 (permalink)
jackhammer Ba and Be. Join Date: May 2007 Location: This Is England Posts: 17,331	darkcornerinthecloset: If you continue to post in this forum only then your posts are effectively spam and will be dealt with as per MB rules. __________________ It be my music and film collection. “A cynic by experience, a romantic by inclination and now a hero by necessity.”

03-13-2009, 04:38 PM	#134 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	Taking into consideration what Jackhammer said, Darkcorner: It may be advantageous of you to try a poetry forum if your only interest is getting solid advice regarding poetry. You'll find better suited opinion and experience in a place where you don't have to worry about "contributing" elsewhere in a forum that holds no interest for you. I'm not bagging on the rules here, nor am I kissing mod a$$, but in your best interests, you'd be better served in a writing/poetry forum if your only interests are posting poetry... Otherwise, you run the risk of getting banned from this forum and losing your outlet. I figured I'd tell you that so you could understand how you could be better benefited, because it doesn't seem like the authority has time to touch base on a level beyond impersonally enforcing a static rule... Even though that rule is totally valid. Just a thought. Check out your options man. You could thrive in an environment suited for what you're trying to do. Unfortunately, this is not that environment. If you need help finding something that works for you, let me know. I'm more than willing to help. __________________ Last edited by Freebase Dali; 03-13-2009 at 04:46 PM.

03-15-2009, 10:55 AM	#137 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	i really dont like my title Inner Voices i look into the mirror what are you looking for i see no change from this constant, unending, monotony of me get a life well, son, i’ve got one and it may not be the best but it sure as hell ain’t the worst and i could climb higher or fall to my death stay where you are i don’t think i will, thanks don’t take the risk well, i’ll risk what i want it’s my own neck and i’m done listening to you no don’t go! i’m facing my demons conquering my fear of heights i’m leaving home and conquering you ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ in my poem, is it obvious that the speaker in italics is a voice in the protagonists head, or do i need to come right out and say it in the title like i have it now? opinions, please?

03-18-2009, 06:33 PM	#140 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	thank you, but although it is first person it is not my perspective; it is someone i know. thanks a lot for your comment about the title. i thought it was too, but as i wrote it i understood the thought process behind it, and when i have a subconscious bias it clouds my judgment on anything i write. __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

03-13-2009, 03:24 PM	#132 (permalink)
anticipation Music Addict Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 3,565	what i want is a guarantee.

03-13-2009, 04:42 PM	#135 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	thank you, ill look into both of those

03-14-2009, 11:59 AM	#136 (permalink)
Schizotypic Souls of Sound Sailors Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Mojave Posts: 759	Psh, yeah right! Then you'd have to apply constructive critisism!

03-17-2009, 04:45 AM	#138 (permalink)
chard Music Addict Join Date: Sep 2008 Location: england Posts: 390	It seems to me the reader you have a heavy burden, your carrying on your shoulders. In time it will become a cushion.Have you tried yoga.

03-18-2009, 11:48 AM	#139 (permalink)
paradoxy Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Slocan, B.C., Canada Posts: 14	I think it is fairly obvious, but that may just be me. I am cheered that you see how inaction and fear of chance can paralyze.....kudos to you for facing your fears and embracing change, no matter the risk.....takes courage...believe in yourself...