moondust's Songwriting Journal

moondust · 03-12-2009, 10:38 AM

Up here, with June, the sycamore throws
Across the window a whispering screen;
I shall miss the sycamore more I suppose,
Than anything else on this earth that is out in green.
But I mean to go through the door without fear,
Not caring much what happens here
When I’m away: --
How green the screen is across the panes
Or who goes laughing along the lanes
With my old lover all the summer day.

7gaugejames · 03-12-2009, 12:28 PM

YouTube - astrdu gilberto - the girl from ipanema

I love this song.

WWWP · 03-12-2009, 12:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by moondust

Up here, with June, the sycamore throws
Across the window a whispering screen;
I shall miss the sycamore more I suppose,

I really like this.

7gaugejames · 03-12-2009, 01:36 PM

No, I just occasionally make a mistake and put the wrong insert into the wrong thread, I'm sorry. If our musical tastes differ, you'll have to excuse me, this a music forum. If you don't run into people who like different music than you, you aren't trying to contribute. Along those lines, my response to your effort at poetry is...

up to the third line which I agree with Wolvey is nice

I am with you. Then you must've taken some poetic acid or something. Am I not reading it right, is it done in the style of Dr.Suess?

7gaugejames · 03-12-2009, 02:32 PM

Thats cool,

I just posted a poem, you can rip it apart for me, it's under Taking a shot looking for a score.

moondust · 03-12-2009, 04:27 PM

Not for that city of the level sun,
Its golden streets and glittering gates ablaze,
the shadeless,sleepless city of white days,
white nights,or nights and days that are as one-
we weary ,when all is said,all thought all done.
we strain our eyes beyond this dusk to see,
what from the threshold of eternity we shall
step into.No i think we shun the splendor of that
everlasting glare,the clamour of that never-ending song.
And if anything we greatly long,it is for some remote
and quiet stair which winds to silence and a space
of sleep too sound for waking and for dreams too deep.

Freebase Dali · 03-12-2009, 04:48 PM

I like your delivery. But if I were to re-write it, I'd do it like this:

Not for that city of the level sun
Its golden streets who's gates ablaze
Who's sleepless city's shadeless days
That mirror nights, becoming one.

The weary, when it's said and done
Would strain their eyes beyond this dusk
And test the bounds of eternity
To strain beyond that dusk they see

No, I know we shun that splendor
Everlasting shine, too long
Searching for a silence, we are
Deaf to such a song

Somewhere dark into, we settle
A space in which to sleep
When all is said and done, that city
Remains a shadeless deep.

Freebase Dali · 03-12-2009, 04:51 PM

...

paradoxy · 03-18-2009, 11:18 AM

Wow, the original post used some great language and imagery, but didn't really scan all that well.There was a lot of ambiguity in what was being conveyed...not that that is a bad thing, because it really make you thing about what is being said, and look at it more closely.
The re-write by Verdical Fiction , I thought , was very well done...kept almost all of the imagery and mood, while improving the flow, and making it easier to follow. Great work on both your parts..well worth developing, i think....

darkcornerinthecloset · 03-18-2009, 06:51 PM

^^indeed

03-12-2009, 10:38 AM	#11 (permalink)
moondust Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 15	A poem Up here, with June, the sycamore throws Across the window a whispering screen; I shall miss the sycamore more I suppose, Than anything else on this earth that is out in green. But I mean to go through the door without fear, Not caring much what happens here When I’m away: -- How green the screen is across the panes Or who goes laughing along the lanes With my old lover all the summer day. Last edited by moondust; 03-12-2009 at 10:54 AM.

03-12-2009, 12:28 PM	#12 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	YouTube - astrdu gilberto - the girl from ipanema I love this song. __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

03-12-2009, 01:36 PM	#14 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	Retarded? as follows, No, I just occasionally make a mistake and put the wrong insert into the wrong thread, I'm sorry. If our musical tastes differ, you'll have to excuse me, this a music forum. If you don't run into people who like different music than you, you aren't trying to contribute. Along those lines, my response to your effort at poetry is... up to the third line which I agree with Wolvey is nice I am with you. Then you must've taken some poetic acid or something. Am I not reading it right, is it done in the style of Dr.Suess? __________________ I don't care who you are, Gunslinger, shmunslinger, everyone needs a good purse.

03-12-2009, 02:32 PM	#15 (permalink)
7gaugejames Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Imperial Beach Ca. Posts: 101	That's O.K.: as follows, Thats cool, I just posted a poem, you can rip it apart for me, it's under Taking a shot looking for a score.

03-12-2009, 04:27 PM	#16 (permalink)
moondust Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 15	stairs Not for that city of the level sun, Its golden streets and glittering gates ablaze, the shadeless,sleepless city of white days, white nights,or nights and days that are as one- we weary ,when all is said,all thought all done. we strain our eyes beyond this dusk to see, what from the threshold of eternity we shall step into.No i think we shun the splendor of that everlasting glare,the clamour of that never-ending song. And if anything we greatly long,it is for some remote and quiet stair which winds to silence and a space of sleep too sound for waking and for dreams too deep.

03-12-2009, 04:48 PM	#17 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	I like your delivery. But if I were to re-write it, I'd do it like this: Not for that city of the level sun Its golden streets who's gates ablaze Who's sleepless city's shadeless days That mirror nights, becoming one. The weary, when it's said and done Would strain their eyes beyond this dusk And test the bounds of eternity To strain beyond that dusk they see No, I know we shun that splendor Everlasting shine, too long Searching for a silence, we are Deaf to such a song Somewhere dark into, we settle A space in which to sleep When all is said and done, that city Remains a shadeless deep.

03-12-2009, 04:51 PM	#18 (permalink)
Freebase Dali Partying on the inside Join Date: Mar 2009 Posts: 5,584	... Last edited by Freebase Dali; 03-12-2009 at 05:30 PM.

03-18-2009, 11:18 AM	#19 (permalink)
paradoxy Groupie Join Date: Mar 2009 Location: Slocan, B.C., Canada Posts: 14	Wow, the original post used some great language and imagery, but didn't really scan all that well.There was a lot of ambiguity in what was being conveyed...not that that is a bad thing, because it really make you thing about what is being said, and look at it more closely. The re-write by Verdical Fiction , I thought , was very well done...kept almost all of the imagery and mood, while improving the flow, and making it easier to follow. Great work on both your parts..well worth developing, i think....

03-18-2009, 06:51 PM	#20 (permalink)
darkcornerinthecloset Music Addict Join Date: Feb 2009 Location: Rochester, NY Posts: 160	^^indeed __________________ If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.