moondust

fair enough scizotypic did you like the lyric?

moondust

so delete me moderator

Schizotypic

I don't know, Iv'e been busy lately I was just stopping by to let cha know. But yeah I suppose your right, It was rude so I gave the lyrics a fair look.
I really appreciate your writing, as I'Ve said before, for many reasons. For one, the words you use match in connotation "incarnations", "seance", "sanctified", "incantation" they all contribute to the scenario with consistency. IMO half of poetry is just taking something from it, well, I really take a feeling of what's going on and the emotions that involves even if I don't completely understand what it means. I think it's communication at a more then just logical level, this in and of itself says wonders about your ability of creating mood and touching a reader. Another thing I like is your use of metaphor, not the fact that you use it- because bunches of people do, but the fact that you do it well enough for it to be rooted in your poetry and thus subtler. It isn't something like "Drown the flesh in water so the devils finally die" which is taken out of context from an awful cliche poem. There's more I want to say, but I'm sure you already know your work is very good, and I look forward to seeing your work evolve over time.

Just a side note, if your looking for feedback, here is not a great place. Probably anyone on the forum who takes poetry seriously won't look at the work of someone with one post, because they have no incentive. I remember when Big3killedmydog gave me like a page of text on that, so it's not like I think it's fair or something. Also, anyone who is looking at your work now is probably just trying to get you to look at theirs, which if you've been noticing is either by one of two people and both of them IMO suck. Also they never give constructive feedback. Just some advice, and sorry I know it sucks to post something you worked hard on and have either no one care or nobody understand it.

moondust

hi schizotypic thanks for your comments and my apologies for previous behaviour-you know what these forums are like they can induce paranoia.

Schizotypic

Lol. I assumed it was just a misuderstanding, I felt bad but never thought much more of it. Apology accepted, look forward to mroe of your work.

Rubber

I'm sorry if I can't be as analytical as Schizotypic with this, but I like it. I think with some refining of your already present style your writing could become very formidable indeed. My only real is issue is what I perceive to be the overuse of "earth" in the bridge, that might be more about personal taste than anything.

__________________

moondust

787.

moondust

The lights were groovy colours,
The band was playin' slow,
We danced just one dance together,
Then she said...
I've Gotta Go Now.

I brushed away a tear drop,
And followed her outside,
Where a long haired yob on a cycle was waiting to gi'e her a ride,
I'll never forget, that freak she went with,
Tell him he'd better leave town,
Cos as soon as me moped's front mud guard is fixed,
Gonna find the creep and put him down.
(Down Down)

When I get me moped out on the road I'm gonna ride ride ride,
When I get me moped out on the road I'm gonna ride ride ride,
When I get me moped out on the road, aint nobody gonna tell mee where to go no
When I get me moped out on the road I'm gonna ride ride ride.
(Funky Moped)

[Chorus]
Blue Funky Moped,
Blue Funky Moped,
Blue Funky Moped,
Blue Funky Moped,

Move move move move move funky moped go.
(Funky Moped)

When I'm on me moped rockin' and a sockin' I'll ride ride ride,
When I'm on me moped rockin' and a sockin' I'll ride ride ride,
When I'm on me moped rockin' and a sockin', everywhere I go the chicks are movin and a groovin,

yvi_poison

I really like this one

right-track

LOL...and ownd.