Freebase Dali

Why thank you.
*takes bow*

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darkcornerinthecloset

Not for that city of the level sun,
Its golden streets
and glittering gates ablaze,
the shadeless
sleepless city with
white days,
white nights,
or nights and days that are as one-
we weary
when all is said
all thought all done.
we strain our eyes beyond this dusk to see,
what from the threshold of eternity we shall step into.
No i think we shun the splendor of that
everlasting glare,
the clamour* of that never-ending song.
And if anything we greatly long,it is for some remote
and quiet stair
which winds to silence and a space
of sleep too sound for waking and for dreams too deep.

i thought it would be cool to try it like this, so it wasn't clumped together in a great Pangaea of poetry, but continued on and on like stairs might. . .i dunno if you think it sucks as compared to veridical fiction's, but i thought i would give revision a whirl. i dont mean to butcher your work of art if it seems that is what i've done

*you're british, i assume by the spelling?

__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

paradoxy

Also an interesting rewrite...i like the concept of it "continuing like stairs" that is great, and well suited to the free form ideas as they were originally conveyed. I still think that Veridical Fiction version scans better, especially if it were put to music, but i think that darks re write may have hit closer to the original feel and intent of the work.....I would love to hear th authors opinion of these interpretations...i'd be pleased and flatters that people had thought enough of my work to put so much thought and effort into it....great job all...

paradoxy

Wow ! that is a very interesting interpretation....i really like the concept of havint it "continue on and on like stairs might" I think that Veridical Fiction's re-write scans better, and would probably be better if put to music, but darkcornerinthecloset's interpeteation really captures the free low and mood of the original better, i think. I would love to hear what the author thinks of these interpetations. I know that i would be pleased and flattered if people had put so mush time and thought into responding to sonething that i had written. Great work by all of you, and I look forward to seeing more....

paradoxy
Ancient Gods

Freebase Dali

Dark,

You have to realize that poetry needs to have some kind of rhythm.
If you break it up by going to another line after only typing two words, you need to make sure those words have enough syllables to carry the line.

Each line needs to carry into the next one so that there aren't any unnatural pauses.

For instance, you wrote:
Not for that city of the level sun,
Its golden streets

It feels better if you would have done this:
Not for that city of the level sun,
And its golden streets

By adding "and" or by adding any one syllable word, you give that line a sense of rhythm.
You can get a sense of the rhythm by counting the words and just saying one thing:

da da da da da da da
da da da da da (and here is the needed pause)

It doesn't sound right if it's:

da da da da da da da
da da da

I'm using that as an example but there are more syllables in the first line than the "da"s represent. But the way you say the two syllable words fall off the tongue quick enough to keep the word as a single unit.

I hope you understand what I'm talking about.

P.S.
I'm not British.

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moondust

Verse:
your glass doll bleeds your name in your
empty rooms on the panes she has
scratched your name she sits in the
window laughing at the moon.

chorus:
rocking chair rocking chair do you hear
footsteps on the empty stair do you
rock back and forth to the screams
of a dead childs unanswered prayer


verse:
your glass doll planted glass flowers
your fragrance invades her glass dreams
in the dolls head we can see your last hours
glass friends scream your final screams


bridge:
the glass doll rocks in the chair
searching for a final prayer.
the glass doll rocks in the chair
searching for a final prayer.

Verse:
your glass doll sleeps on your grave
glass friends lay glass reefs
they smash with the real grief
from the frenzied winds that rave.

darkcornerinthecloset

i really like it, its real original

__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

darkcornerinthecloset

PS, not you, moondust--shes the one who originally wrote it. anyway, i didnt want to add any words because i dont want to impose on the literacy bit of her poem; it was very well done and i didnt want my inadequacy to ruin it. hahaha

__________________
If you board the wrong train, it is no use running along the corridor in the other direction.

moondust

verse:
I dialled the rain for my incarnations
i wore the sky like a cosmic helmet
the sun and moon projected and directed
me towards all points of the compass

chorus:
in the west i became a hive for the bees
in the east i became soil for the trees
in the north i was whispered into
existence by a birds ecstatic caroling
in the south i sang the earths song
a song nobody heard, nobody heard

verse:
shifting holograms held a seance with
the seasons and these incarnations
multiplied i received an unearthly
frequency that was sanctified

chorus:
in the west i became a hive for the bees
in the east i became soil for the trees
in the north i was whispered into
existence by a birds ecstatic caroling
in the south i sang the earths song
a song nobody heard, nobody heard

bridge:
my inner and outer universes met with every
earthly turn thoughts once idle burned
i recieved an earthly frequency and
composed an incantation with the earth

Schizotypic

http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...new-rules.html
Sorry.