these are songs you guys look at my songs!!!

asshat · 11-08-2009, 09:38 PM

mach 4...these are my songs guys!...s'mores.

You told me everyones contribution
Was equal,
You promised,
You lied,
My poem was jive
And you gave me some reasons
Because this poem came
off as non-nonsensical
and had no rhythmic devices
To entice a person long enough
To sit through it
And there was too much vulgar language
That seemed to serve no purpose what so ever
But you still appreciated my effort
Because I am part of the rainbow
Of diverse thoughts and ****
And everybodies worth
Your time, even if it does not ryhme
And does nothing but confuse you
As what the intentions are
In this particular case
You had no clue
Because there was none
I concede, I wrote it cause
I'm really alone,
And if you think that it's art
Than I could laid
Even though I put no thought into it
__________________________________________________ __
Blackout
Block the feelings out
With three coats of paint
2 coats of black
And one coat of grey
Four walls with no windows
And garbage bag drapes
Paint the cracks
No colours anymore
Don`t paint it lilac
__________________________________________________ _-
The first time
First time you cross that line
I can dismiss you outright
Just prooves I'm not mean
Cause I gave you a chance
And it's all coming true
That my hunch was right
The moment I saw you
I'll just give you the chance
The chance to prove my
Prejudices were spot on
It took some provocation
And lax interpretation
I had to lead you on
A little
And little by little
I just needed a little
Cause it speaks louder
than actions speak louder
than words
______________________________________________
you will be dressed down
Don`t dish what you
Can`t take
That was a fake!
We`ll yell at you
That's what we do
My virgin ears!
Assault on both ears!
You hear that loud
You hear it clear
In crisp high fidelity
In both ears!
And out the other ear
Cause it don't stick
And I'll be around
For another round
to dress you down.
_____________________________________________

iron9567 · 11-11-2009, 10:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by asshat

I got some more songs you guys,I appreciated your feedback for the first one, I'd still like your honest(and by honest I mean blunt) opinions. I kept the swears for poetic license, if this creates a problem for moderators, feel free to remove them.

________________________________
Tard

Shines your shoes
With a shit eating grin
Picks the horse
Guaranteed to win
If it don't win
He's the collateral
See him at the grand piano

He don't know how to make love
His only love is numbers
This retard, you see, this retard
He helps you win the lottery
__________________________
Sister

this guy here
Were all laughing with this guy here
Buy him a beer
Get him real drunk
For later

Wait til the 13th beer
Til he's so so drunk
And can't move around too good
Kick him in the balls
Slap him like a bitch
Right in the kisser
This guy, this guy
Was fuckin with my sister.
_____________________________
Hands that kill

Hands
These god damn hands
Have killed many a man,man
Hands that kill
See these hands
Killed a man
Performed surgery
Delivered a new born baby
Touched the face of a lady
When these hands kill again
I can't be certain
But for certain they will kill a man,man
__________________
Red Meat

No more red meat
No more privacy in the
World of the 23rd century
There ain't no more god
Three to a pod
Woman/man and single child
That's all that is allowed
And a paste is all the rations that are alloted
And it tastes so shitty
But's thats all that we eat
Cause there's no more red meat
In the 23rd century AD

And the chips in the brains
For prevention of thoughts
Of thoughts about smashing the state
Cause it's been so god damn long
So very long
Since they had a steak on their plate.
___________________________
Prison of the mind

Make your mind a prison
It's trip to turn your brain
Into a penitentiary
And where you go
nobody knows

You be the warden and executioner
In your mind
Nobody comes inside
Nobody dares
The walls are covered with slime
And the stench of the ages
Before you die
Just make a trip
To the prison of the mind
___________________________________

All i have to say about these is that you need to post more stanzas for these because they are to short as they stand when i read them they came off as something that would be the missing stanzas in other work so add some more to them then you would be able to know if these need more work done to them or not
thanks
the iron man

FooFighting · 11-16-2009, 04:26 AM

The song contradicts is lyrics, but it's done in a way that is poetic.

I like it

asshat · 11-16-2009, 11:11 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by FooFighting

The song contradicts is lyrics, but it's done in a way that is poetic.

I like it

....not that I'm necessarily entitled to anything, but it seems like you don't give a **** about what you just said and it could be interchangeable with any of the one-sentence criticisms you've offered other people.

This isn't a compliment club, so f-off.

11-08-2009, 09:38 PM	#31 (permalink)
asshat king of sex Join Date: May 2009 Location: canada Posts: 331	mach 4...these are my songs guys!...s'mores. You told me everyones contribution Was equal, You promised, You lied, My poem was jive And you gave me some reasons Because this poem came off as non-nonsensical and had no rhythmic devices To entice a person long enough To sit through it And there was too much vulgar language That seemed to serve no purpose what so ever But you still appreciated my effort Because I am part of the rainbow Of diverse thoughts and **** And everybodies worth Your time, even if it does not ryhme And does nothing but confuse you As what the intentions are In this particular case You had no clue Because there was none I concede, I wrote it cause I'm really alone, And if you think that it's art Than I could laid Even though I put no thought into it __________________________________________________ __ Blackout Block the feelings out With three coats of paint 2 coats of black And one coat of grey Four walls with no windows And garbage bag drapes Paint the cracks No colours anymore Don`t paint it lilac __________________________________________________ _- The first time First time you cross that line I can dismiss you outright Just prooves I'm not mean Cause I gave you a chance And it's all coming true That my hunch was right The moment I saw you I'll just give you the chance The chance to prove my Prejudices were spot on It took some provocation And lax interpretation I had to lead you on A little And little by little I just needed a little Cause it speaks louder than actions speak louder than words ______________________________________________ you will be dressed down Don`t dish what you Can`t take That was a fake! We`ll yell at you That's what we do My virgin ears! Assault on both ears! You hear that loud You hear it clear In crisp high fidelity In both ears! And out the other ear Cause it don't stick And I'll be around For another round to dress you down. _____________________________________________ __________________ Rye Catcher II: Electric Boogaloo http://oldhickory666.blogspot.com/

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11-16-2009, 04:26 AM	#33 (permalink)
FooFighting Music Addict Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Australia Posts: 61	The song contradicts is lyrics, but it's done in a way that is poetic. I like it