Ravenkin

Dream Child

This desolate World so cold,
Why do we not listen?
Culled from the flock,
Sheep lead to slaughter.
Like a Hermit wandering the hills,
I'm laid to rest in the land of the lost.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of mendacity.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.

Your morals bind me,
Im past this treachery you ****ing weave.
In my mind entangling,
All thats beautiful, just leave.
Im not your puppet, dancing
Leading others to the shores of fallacy.

I plead my case,
Falling on empty ears.
My heart sinks deeper,
Deeper into this trance.
So cold, so bitter,
Depression sets, lay to rest.

The Dream child waits,
On a pillar of certainty.
Casting hope for humanity,
What a cynical little bastard.


"Not finished i just felt the need to write, and write i did. Not sure if it even makes sense but those are the words that were put in my head, begging to come out. Let me know what you think, its the first time ive never worried about structure or rhyming. I just let the words...flow"

VEGANGELICA

Hi again, Ravenkin,

This song sounds like a description of a man who in old age is either going mad or using drugs (I think he is in a psychiatric ward) who remembers a love he experienced during youth. I especially like the line in bold, "the beautiful mess we manifest," since it involves rhyming within the line and conveys quickly the sense of the complexity of a relationship that still can feel so beautiful and meaningful even with the problems. This line stuck with me after reading the poem such that I wanted to search again through MB to find it.

The poem makes me wonder: why did the love turn out to be a lie? And did this contribute to the speaker's eventual descent into either madness or a disturbed drug-induced state?

The line, "The moment in time our eyes first locked," sounds less original than the others because "eyes locking" is a cliche...also, since when one thinks of it literally, the image of eyes locking is quite jarring, and so reading that line jarred me out of the poem's imagined reality back into my real world.

"So we sat, quite content" sounds very mild after the description of the intensity of their first meeting. I feel this line would be stronger without the "quite": "So we sat content."

When you write "comfort sets" do you mean "comfort sets in" as in comfort begins?

--Erica

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Arya Stark

I personally love this poem.
I'd love to know what situation it was that inspired it, but because it seems to be such a heartfelt poem, there is no pressure for you to share that with me.

Continue writing.

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MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

Ravenkin

Hey everyone, sorry ive been away for awile. Ive been doing alot of searching inside lately. Had alot of stuff happen these past few weeks. Going to venture off by myself from the band now i think. Anyways ill try and answer these questions tonight, right now i have an idea stuck in my head im trying to workout

Arya Stark

Ohh, good luck with that. ^_^

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MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

Ravenkin

Hey guys I've been swamped lately and havent had time to log back on. Decided to give another band a shot. I have to write some lyrics to 2 of thier songs and submit them to the guitarist. Could someone tell me if i can post a link in my sig to the music for the band on myspace? It would help me out a ton to see what you all think of the music. Sorry im abit out of it, ill check back tomorrow and possibly post the link in my sig if it doesnt violate the terms on the forum.

Keep writing...ill be sure to checkout and comment on some lyrics soon!

Regards

Arya Stark

It's possible to post a link but they don't want anyone over-advertising.

__________________

MB Journal.
Azucar y Especia. My blog.

Ravenkin

Alright guys checkout my sig for the link....bands unnamed atm, thinking of suggesting Nocturne if i get in. Let me know what you think of the instrumentals...listen to "New Song" and "Malutopia" first if any! these are the ones ill be working on for lyrics. Ill post lyrics up to be read soon. I might start a colab with anyone interested in helping me arrange ect. Let me know what you think!

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Need abit of help arranging some songs, checkout the instrumentals and get back with me!

http://www.myspace.com/multifidus

VEGANGELICA

Hi Ravenkin,
I listened to "New Song" and "Malutopia"...very clean metal songs, I feel, with sharp, fast playing, impressive solos, and almost non-stop energy. I'm curious if the two current members...the rhythm and lead guitarists...gave you an idea about what they want the songs to be about, or do you get to just make up the whole thing based on your feeling for the songs? I'm interested in reading the lyrics you come up with to match already-existing music. That sounds like more of a challenge than writing lyrics and building the song around them!
--Erica

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Ravenkin

They gave me no direction as to what they want those 2 songs to be about. The lead guitarist has been pressed for time, so haven't really heard from him. I'm having a really hard time building lyrics around these 2 songs, i usually write lyrics then arrange music. This is going to be a challenge. I will try and post some lyrics on here soon, been busy with my online article writing haha! I'll make sure i browse the new lyrics from you all soon!

__________________
Need abit of help arranging some songs, checkout the instrumentals and get back with me!

http://www.myspace.com/multifidus