just.a.little.epic

Hey everybody,


I'm new to this site, please post some comments and critiques, anything would be greatly appreciated. I have a bunch that I haven't posted yet so I'll have a bunch to post here.

Thanks,
Little

just.a.little.epic

here's my first one, its called "Ghosts, a haunting"

Ghosts
I wanna hear your voice tonight
Please don’t torture me with silence
I’m left in a quiet violence
My head like to fight
With its love of you
And all you are to me
My savior
When the ghosts haunt me
Please save me from their quiet violence
I’m afraid
But you make me safe
I don’t know how
I don’t care how
Please just take these ghosts away

The ghosts of my past
Keep rearing up and saying hi
But the quiet girl of my dreams
Keeps flipping them off as they go by
And they leave me be,
Right where I want to be
Right in her arms

Apparitions captured in pictures
Slightly demonic creatures
Proof is in the yearbook
In the pages I overlook
Memories once hoped suppressed
Seem to rise again
In printed press
Their disembodied voices
Clutter my mind
Clutter my thoughts
There’s something I’ve found
To stop their noise
It’s time to exorcize
I’ve found someone new
She’s my only cure
To the illness caused by few

The ghosts of my past
Keep rearing up and saying hi
But the quiet girl of my dreams
Keeps flipping them off as they go by
And they leave me be,
Right where I want to be
Right in her arms
You turn ghosts to dust
They faded memories
They don’t dare haunt me

just.a.little.epic

we got another one here

Pretty Eyes and Shallow Lies

You’ve got shallow lives
To match your shallow lies
Hidden by those pretty eyes
For her he fell
Plunging in cause he can
She’s like running your hand
Through hardened sand
Heart left in shards
Fractured and fell
Like a house of cards

You’ve got shallow lives
To match your shallow lies
Hidden by those pretty eyes

His thoughts irrational
You’re not natural
You’re living a lie
You lie of love
By this lie you die
You are a lie
And so is your love
He’s just blind to see

You’ve got shallow lives
To match your shallow lies
Hidden by those pretty eyes

You’re a whore
And you’ll never be more
He’s stuck more than before
Sinking in more and more
In quick sand
Never to escape
He thinks he can solve her
Him being a hero
And dividing by zero
Both simply impossible

You’ve got shallow lives
To match your shallow lies
Hidden by those pretty eyes

Her pretty eyes
Hide her shallow lies

VEGANGELICA

Little,

I feel both your songs are quite melodramatic and long. I think they'd benefit from being shortened.

Also, some of your word choices sound very relaxed and contrast jarringly with others. For example, you write about the ghosts of the past rearing up. That is a very heavy topic! But then these ghosts say, "Hi," like a pleasant stranger on the street! The result is a comic effect, which I don't think is what you intend.

Both songs sound like bitterness over the loss of someone who was loved but didn't return the feelings. The idea of being with a second person to replace ghosts of the past is an unpleasant one to me. If one were so happy with the second person, would one still be delighting in the fact that the former person isn't there anymore?

The topic of your first song is dealt with in a positive way by one of the most beautiful songs that exists, I feel: The Beatles' "There are places I remember." Your song is also about memories losing their meaning when meeting someone whom one really, truly, deeply loves, but your song sounds like it is stuck in the bad feelings rather than appreciating the good ones. Sometimes that's how life is, but I tend to shy away from songs that express anger toward a past love, and I prefer appreciation of a new one on its own terms.

__________________

just.a.little.epic

Less Than Three

Symbols and cryptics
They fill that void and mix things up
Forget those words over used
Get the instant message
And use them to provide instant messages
To show emotion, quick and easy
Different meanings and many of these
Expand from a simple colon and parentheses

Not together, missing the taste
There’s a sense of haste
To get back together
Just wants to kiss her
So he sends
The colon and the asterisk
Show affection across the miles
They substitute you and me
Substituted by less than three

You can changes things from there
Spice up an “I wish you were here”
With a colon and a slash
Show emotion across the miles
They substitute you and me
Substituted by less than three

Add effect to seduction and suggestion
With a semi and another one to end
That wink to make you think
Show affection across the miles
They substitute you and me
Substituted by less than three

Show my love
These symbols fit my emotions
Show my devotion
They substitute you and me
Substituted with less than three
They fit the situation like a glove
Perfect to send to you, my love