Unicorn

Hey everyone! Starting a thread for some stuff I've written, I'm just looking for any feedback or advice you are willing to give! I write songs for pretty much any genre, typically I'll denote what I was feeling as I wrote the lyrics but any musical ideas are also much appreciated.

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Unicorn

The Dawn's light shining strikes the dew
early morning risen resplendent, renewed,
as am I- rising from my slumber
assembling my pack for a march quite somber.

The journeys ominous to be sure
I seek a beast both fierce and pure,
a noble creature aloof yet proud
clad in the morning's ethereal shroud.

CHORUS
I can't resist the unicorn's call,
it engulfs my mind, captures my soul;
Seek this beast! Majestic animal,
Unicorn's call
Unicorn's call
It beckons us all.

A tracker I am, surpassed by none;
In skill or cunning-under the sun
exists no creature who can escape-
nor outrun my cold weapons' shape.

My arrow is drawn and my bow bent back.
As I stalk the ravine I unleash my attack,
the Unicorn meets my deadly gaze
my envoy of death flies into the haze.

Chorus again

The Unicorn screams in furious pain
and defiantly rears in the icy rain
the throes of death shaking its frame
it violently charges as I try to take aim.

The force of the brute crashes upon me
the unmatched power and strength bared fully
the ivory horn-radiant night star
shatters my dreams and pierces my heart.

The day that began so full of passion
has met its end in an astonishing fashion;
we perish together in this valley of death,
and both offer up our faint dying breath.


Fun song I wrote at work after arguing with an elderly patient! I really have no idea if this would work as a song, but it appears to fit for a metal type. Any comments suggestions? I'll post some more serious stuff of course, but no harm in starting out with fiction !

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VEGANGELICA

Unicorn, welcome to MusicBanter.

I was curious to read your unicorn song lyrics, because I recently wrote lyrics for a unicorn song myself, and yours may be even more peculiar than mine! Since you use so much rhyming and so many vibrant adjectives, the lyrics don't automatically make me think of metal music. This will be a surprising combination to hear, I think.

My only suggestion would be a slight change in the storyline to suit...me. Instead of the archer actually hitting a vital area of the unicorn, I'd have him just graze the unicorn. Angered, the unicorn would charge him and gore him through the gut with its radiant, ivory horn. Heh heh. That would be much more pleasurable, I think: a comeuppance song. So, in *my* version, only the hunter dies a painful, shocking death.

However, I feel your song, as is, works as a good metaphor for the follies of engaging in preemptive war, with the unicorn being Iraq and its oil wells, and the archer being...the U.S. Maybe, though, you just intended the song to be about...a unicorn. :/

Say, just to make sure you know, there is an Introduction Section down in the Community Section, where you can make your own intro thread to greet the whole community!

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Unicorn

Thank you so much for the input!

Hehe yeah I thought of letting the Unicorn live but the "irony" and maybe the romance of them both dying stuck out in my mind... maybe I'll rewrite it though cuz on second thought Unicorn's shouldnt die so easy.

I'll certainly look at the introduction thread too.

Btw, how is your recording going? i read some of your threads from a while ago regarding recording issues, I'm starting to get into that sort of thing so it was very helpful to read.
thanks again!

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VEGANGELICA

It's kind of a Romeo and Juliet unicorn song, isn't it, with them both dying unexpectedly at the end! Maybe that's why it sticks in your mind: the tragedy of needless death.

My recording is going pretty well! Definitely much improved compared to a year ago when I joined here, knowing nothing about recording and not having investigated much online.

Thanks to people at MB (mostly Freebase Dali), I got an audio interface so I wasn't using my computer's sound card. I increased my computer's memory. Then I got a new audio recording program to give me more options for manipulating the recordings. And now I've got a bunch more instruments.

Actually, this is my "music" time today, and I was intending to put on new drum heads! But MB distracts me, in a fun way. It has been very helpful...a good source of technical help, inspiration for songs, and really just a bunch of nice people I've met. It is hard for me to imagine not knowing them, now that I do. I'm glad the posts about recording were helpful for you!

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Unicorn

Time for another poem, maybe it will go with some music I write later on.
This one's a bit more serious-

Comfort in Death




In light of final separation
I feel the urge for preparation
in fear perhaps of what's beyond;
will I reach it once I'm gone?

Am I captain of this vessel
the seas tumult forced to wrestle;
perhaps I'm only the mast
In the ship mounted steadfast.

by chance there isn't a ship to save
and life's a passing ocean wave
A rise from a vast watery continent
here an instant and gone in a moment.

In death the end comes as surprise
a sudden shock to herald demise
but is there a soul that's certain
the true beginning is beyond death's curtain?

The steady march of time un-impeded
we choose to lie down defeated-
is time really all that governs?
what takes its place as life adjourns?

The quest for life beyond conclusion
perhaps is the dying's final illusion,
but the search for meaning in one's existence
serves for strength to run their distance.

Floating leaves in consciousness stream
what is real may be a dream
but maybe the end comes for mercy's sake-
once we die we truly awake.


As a christian I obviously have my own set of beliefs regarding this subject, but obviously not everyone shares those so I tried to write this from a completely neutral standpoint. Enjoy, tell me what you think!

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VEGANGELICA

This is my favorite stanza, Unicorn, and the last two lines of it are my favorite of all in the poem.

These lines remind me of something very sweet (and also sad to me, since I felt it wasn't true, but would be nice if it were) that I heard on the TV news this year. After the older daughter in a family died, the surviving and very young daughter said, to comfort her father, that she thought life was the dream, and when you die you wake up. So, she felt her sister was experiencing something even nicer than she had when she was alive. I felt that was a beautiful idea to come from the mind of a child...that life is the dream, and when we wake up, the reality of the afterlife is even lovelier!

The first part of your poem sounds a little sluggish to me simply because it is so dense with (well-crafted) rhyming and more complex and dramatic words, such as when you write, "Am I captain of this vessel, the seas tumult forced to wrestle." The final stanza somehow feels simpler and clearer to me...a little more like casual, everyday speech, which I prefer. All of your poem is well written though, I feel. For example, the ideas behind the words are clear, and I could hear your attention to creating a fairly even rhythm that flows well.

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