ThePhanastasio

Today has been a day of deep thought. Introspection and melancholy have been the norm for me for the past few months, but it seems as though both were out in full force today. Perhaps it has a little bit to do with the rain, which has been bearing down, pounding at my roof all day. Who knows? What I've come to realize that I ultimately feel, however, isn't quite melancholy. That's an undertone of the general flavor. There's something like hope fleshing out the overall state of emotions, a hint of near despair, and full notes of complete and utter self-awareness.

I do this. When performing in a play, I get into a character only to realize that maybe I've been hiding from myself for a little while. I manage to pull myself out of my two-dimensional funk and realize that there are more dimensions, more facets of what makes up me (or anyone else for that matter) than I had been allowing myself to be consciously aware of. When it hits, I'm not scared exactly - it just feels as though I've awoken from a deep sleep, from a superficial dream, and I'm completely disoriented.

When this happens, I'm more aware of how I'm feeling. Everything is very detailed, and I can pinpoint tiny nuances in my own emotions, and can allow things which have (regrettably) upon occasion been little more than background noise really affect me.

The song which broke all of this down for me today, as the rain made irregular percussion on the roof above me, was an acoustic version of Trey Anastasio's "Black" from his most recent tour.



In spite of this being an audience recording, and not as sensitive as the soundboard I have from this show, it is the same version of the song from the same performance. Certain lyrics in this song really touched something way down deep.

Try to maintain all that you can
When the story that ends is not so clear
Tried to replay all that was good
When the lullaby, lullaby ends in darkness.

And also:

Time for driftin' - ropes turn to sand
You'll be borne on the winds of the sea.

And the repeated, Just let it slip away felt more relevant than anything I'd heard in months, years...a lifetime.

By the end of the song, I was in tears. It just felt...perfect. Beautiful and sad. My current view of the world is that it is beautiful and sad. Bittersweet.

Today's introspection has also made me wonder if I'm a masochist. I am completely...crushing...which is one of the most hateful and seemingly juvenile things to my mind right now. Crushing. It sounds like something only grade school, middle school kids should be feeling, and yet it's got its hooks deep, deep in me. It has for some time. As per usual, it's destined to come to nothing. The odds of her feeling anything towards me are slim to none.

I've been trying to distance myself from her for...God. Since I've known her. I'll think I'm over it, then as soon as I think, "A-ha! I'm over it. I'm good," I'll run into her again. Or have to work with her in a theatrical capacity.

This last time, I really almost made it. I really did. I was able to spend almost three months without crossing paths with her, and then I was asked to do a show. Once offered the role, I accepted gratefully - being able to work with the most respected director in my area without having to even audition because he's familiar with my work is something I'm not going to pass up on. Read-through came around, and she was in the show. Worse, she was cast as my friend. My co-star. This has resulted in horrible, horrible tension for me. I'm able to believably portray my character, but it aches deep down.

I've been able to be very professional about the whole thing - as has she, but I feel that she's not completely writhing internally, so that's to be expected of her - but I can't...get...over...it.

There was a time - when there was a chance. But, as per usual, I messed up. It's like, I'm constantly set on self-destruct, be it through self-medicating, taking no action to prevent myself from feeling any negative emotion and just allowing it to hit me full force at all times, and letting people who no longer care to have significant importance to me. It doesn't have to be in terms of "romance". It could be anyone. It could be a friend with whom I've had a terrible falling out, an ex, or, in this case, a person I legitimately have been interested in for something like two years, but completely alienated by doing stupid, stupid things. I knew what the repercussions were, but I decided I didn't deserve any better.

As stupid as that sounds, I guess.

I guess the reason I'm saying all of this is because today, I was off in my own little world. Whenever I wasn't doing a scene, I was thinking. Just thinking. Which may be scarier than anything else - I can't hide from myself thinking - where would I go? So, I was acting with an intensity I'd not yet shown in rehearsals prior, (had been working on Texan dialect and memorization) and the director was pleased. I guess the girl noticed something amiss. I glanced up at her, and she looked concerned for me. I turned away. When I was leaving, I avoided talking to her, because she had the look of, "I'm going to speak to you..." on her face. I just kind of smiled and walked to my car.

I suppose maybe I'm just...not at all into allowing people "in" anymore. Even if there was a chance with her. I figure if I keep them completely out, they're not going to have to deal with my crap, and that I'm really doing them an enormous favor.

And this song has just been on repeat for a while. And I love it.

And that is all.

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