Picture the scenario. It's Wednesday night. I'm bored, eating a microwaveable pot pie for no reason. I'm not even hungry. My spell check doesn't work anymore. This makes me very angry. I just burnt my tongue on a really hot carrot, why the heck was that carrot's heat disproportional to the rest of the pie? Why do they call it a pie anyway? They're lying. Pies have jelly or something in them, not chicken. I feel the same way about pizza. It's a pizza, not a "pizza pie". That's just unnessicary. Why would you prefer to say "pizza pie"? That's longer and more drawn out than just saying "pizza". We all know what a pizza is. Nobody associates pizza with pie. Why are you doing this?
That reminds me of something else. NOBODY and I mean NOBODY pronounces Tomato "Tommotto". I refuse to believe there are people like that in the world. They use that phrase, "Tomato, Tomotto" when they are trying to express that there are two equally as good ways of doing or saying something. They're full of it. "Tomotto" is clearly an inferior way of saying Tomato. If I met someone who said "Tomotto", my first reaction wouldn't be "It's okay that you say it like that. We're all equals." I would punch them in the face and kick them on the ground until they pronounced it correctly. Then I'd force them to eat a
tomato.
Of course, I could be looking at this all wrong. A "Tomotto" could be an entirely different fruit that just happens to look and taste exactly like a Tomato. You know that whole "Is a Tomato a fruit or vegetable" debate? Maybe this is where the confusion comes from. Maybe a Tomato is a fruit and a "Tomotto" is a vegetable.
A tomato
A tomotto
Just finished that pot pie. Not to dwell on the subject of pies, but this has been bothering me lately. Why can't I find any of those pies that people throw in each other's faces on old movies and cartoons and stuff? It's always "Lemon filled apple twist" this and "raspberry cherry delight" that. Why can't I find a normal pie? Just whipped cream in a pan. That's all I want. Remember Slime Time Live on Nickelodeon? I want some of those. Because you can't just throw any old pie in someone's face.
Imagine throwing a freshly baked apple pie at someone. That'd be horrible. If they weren't burned, they'd be stained with syrupy gunk. It just wouldn't be funny. I'm paranoid that one day I'll befriend some foreigner who learns about our culture through Charlie Chaplin and 3 Stooges movies, and tries to throw a hot apple pie in my face as a joke. I'd be horribly disfigured. I wouldn't really mind being horribly disfigured, but I'd at least like to have a cool story to go with it. Not "this happened in a pie accident."
Speaking of dessert, what's up with cake being the only "acceptable" wedding dessert? I don't really like cake. I want a wedding pie. Or maybe wedding pudding.
Evidence
Why do they say "the proof is in the pudding"? When, in criminal investigative history, has evidence ever been concealed by dessert? I've never seen an episode of Matlock where he reaches into a big bowl of tapioca and pulls out a bloody handkerchief. Murder is a terrible thing. But I wouldn't mind being murdered if my death involved pudding. That's a really unique way to die.
Do you ever want to fill the top rim of a sombrero with chips and salsa and put it on a little person? I'd pay them ten dollars an hour just to walk around my house. That way whenever guests want a snack, they can just wait for the little fellow to pass by.