Quote:
Originally Posted by mb stonehouse
I tried to seduce her
With conversation and gin
It was cold outside
And I wanted in
Snow'd begun falling
When the first smile finally broke
It warmed up the place
As we shared a smoke
Emily Jo-Hannah
Touches my leg with her toes
Emily Jo-Hannah
Blushes-the tension grows
Her eyes were the colour
Of warm molasses brown bread
And I made a point of hanging
On every word she said
When she was younger
Said she lived on a bay
Was a sculptress of things
The tides washed away
Emily Jo-Hannah's
Voice suddenly slows
Emily Jo-Hannah
Shrugs says that's how it goes
I woke up beside her
As she was leaving the bed
I used to be somebody
She quietly said
She brought back coffee
And some grilled cheese melt
I reached out and touched her
Said I knew just how she felt
Emily Jo-Hannah
Kisses the tip of my nose
Emily Jo-Hannah
Without any clothes
(she tried to seduce me
with conversation and gin
it was cold outside
and she wanted in)
oct2/2008
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Stonehouse, this is my favorite of your poems/lyrics because you've created a warm, realistic feeling of two people accepting and desiring each other. You do this by using specific, tender descriptions that are sweet, surprising and sometimes sensual, with my favorites in bold.
I also like the repetition of the first and last stanzas in which you simply change the pronoun to show the reciprocity of their feelings.
I like how you create a sense of Emily Jo-Hannah's history and weave it into the current moments the two are experiencing together, all within one short song. I admire that you tell a story concisely especially since I'm almost always overly long with my lyrics!
One word I wish were different is "things" in these lines: "Was a sculptress of things/The tides washed away." Compared to all the specific details you use elsewhere, "things" seems so generic, though I couldn't think of a good substitute...just that I wished there were one.
The cheese melt was a nice touch, although I at first debated with myself whether it was too specific such that it became humorous...but I decided I liked it. The simple gesture of someone bringing another food in bed is sweet and comforting.
I enjoyed the detail of Emily once being a sculptress. I like the idea of her having worked at things that didn't last or pan out...but she appears to be going on with her life and enjoying it. I was reminded of completely fabricated lyrics I wrote about a man who meets a woman who makes sculptures from twisty-ties:
"Then one night he went out to eat,
gave his order to a stranger who smiled.
He thought, she’d be someone he’d like to meet.
She seemed so open like a child.
She saved twisty-ties from bags of breads,
wove them into colorful tapestries,
characters with twisty-tie ring heads,
and mobiles swaying in the breeze."
http://www.musicbanter.com/song-writ...tml#post725912
Maybe that was Emily Jo-Hannah when she lived by the bay!
I like the combination of regrets, understanding, acceptance, and comfort in these lyrics. Your description makes the events feel vividly real, as if they could have really happened.