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Originally Posted by mb stonehouse
Hi Vegangelica
Wow.Thanks for both the nice words and the good constructive criticism!I had not thought about the word "things".But what you said gave me some food for thought.I was trying to use it as a metaphor I guess,to give the impression that in the past she tried to"create" things ( was it a family or a marriage or something else----something of importance to her for sure ---) that the tides "of time" took away.This was an afterthought of the original first draft of that verse.I tried to coax it out more,but I think it still remains obscure.
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You're welcome! I'm always happy if my feedback is useful in some way.
I understand now about "things" being a metaphor for all sorts of endeavors she may have worked on (relationships as well as physical things).
Quote:
Originally Posted by mb stonehouse
Personally,I find that the line "And i made a point of hanging on every word she said" is somewhat weak.But I despise editing a piece of writing once I feel like it's pretty much done,UNLESS,suddenly a more accurate and honest line or word comes to mind.
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I thought about that line as I was reading. A negative interpretation of it is that he's just using or manipulating her. However, on the positive side, people who really *do* care actually *do* make a point of really listening to someone in whom they are interested. So, I chose to assume he was making a point of hanging on her every word mostly because of that second reason. I like the ambiguity in the line because it made me think about his motivations.
Quote:
Originally Posted by mb stonehouse
I understand your feelings about how easy it is for a piece to become too wordy.I used to do it myself.I have binders to prove it.In the last few years though ,I have been making a more conscious effort to try and say more with fewer words.Another thing for me recently,I learning to give hints in a song or poem,about things which may or may not have happened,instead of blurting it right out, so much easier for me to clean up those details - if they're not important to the main idea I'm trying to convey that is....lol
Again,thanks so much for taking the time to respond.You really did give me stuff to think about,and apply in the future.It made my day.Keep writin'.
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Saying more with less is always good. I like your idea of giving hints rather than blurting out the state of some situation. Hints let a listener be more involved creatively in interpreting a song, and that's fun. My only gripe is with lyrics (not yours) that become so obscure that I don't know what in the world they are about! I'm glad my response was helpful.
