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I'm just going to say that this will be all over the place and choppy at some points because I never really in depth told my coming out. It was always in simple terms. So...onward!


I grew up with three older brothers, I am the youngest and only girl. My madre (R.I.P) always wanted a daughter, and she said she wouldn't stop until had one. So needless to say, it was a lot of pressure on myself. She would always dress me up in clothes that I did not feel comfortable with, fix my hair, when I got a little older, she'd put make-up on me. I really hated it all. I was starting to feel a lot of anger towards her as she kept trying to push me to dress like a girl and act like one. Pretty much preschool-third grade she pushed her feminine ways at me. Picture day was the worst day of my life because that's when she'd really "doll" me up. I didn't like what she did to hair, and once I left the house and got to school, I'd mess it up and I started to feel so insecure about myself. But around first grade or so that's when it started, I suppose. I'd chase girls around playfully. I'd always try and hang out with my older brothers and their friends. I was definitely labeled as a "tomboy" as I grew older. Probably around fourth grade my mom quit trying to make me wear girl clothes and let me shop in the boys department. And around this time when I was venturing on wanting to be a boy, I think started to get incredibly sad and possible disappointed because her baby girl, her only girl did not want to act like one, dress like one. I remember being like six or seven and I went into the bathroom and I lifted up the toilet seat and I stood in front of it and tried to pee like a boy did, I discovered (back then) that I had to literally stand over it for it to successfully target it in there and not get it on the floor. I did this several times, feeling pretty good about myself.

Fourth grade was when I had a crush on a girl who I also became super close to. It felt weird as being a girl. But I friggin' prayed when I went to sleep that I'd wake up and be a boy so I could go out with other girls. I wanted to be a boy so badly. I lay in bed and think of all the weird possibilities of how I could wake up to be a boy, I'd think of being born a boy, or I'd think of waking up a boy and slip outside and come back in and magically be a part of the family and they'd accept that their daughter wasn't there anymore. I eventually stopped thinking that way. But sixth grade came and I had a major crush on my teacher, she was a younger teacher which I thought was cool, she was only about twenty seven or so. I even had a dream we were together. Then ninth grade came and in science class a girl walked in late, and I've seen her before many times, but that day she just looked pretty amazing, I had fantasize that her and I would go into the bathroom stall and "get down"

Oh I forgot to mention from about thirteen to fifteen I was online all the time, in Harry Potter chat rooms on yahoo and made some girlfriends because I was pretending to be a guy online. I probably had five girlfriends. I didn't regret it at all, because I was happy and they were happy. But I eventually realized that I wasn't a boy, and those girls didn't deserve the lies so I told them.

Tenth grade I started realizing my attraction towards girls. I didn't know what to do. I was a very quiet person, didn't talk much at all (still don't but I've improved) And then....the L word came on Showtime. I actually watched that show with my parental units, they really loved it. It was awkward, of course, to watch the sex scenes with them but we moved passed it. Now I did date boys... I did not like it at all, but I knew that I had to be abide my family because that's what girls are suppose to do. I dated probably four boys. Nothing happened, I wouldn't let it. They were just there on display to satisfy my family. In high school though I did not date anyone. Anyway, back to the L word. The first season just ended, my parental units and I were staying in a motel, and I had my own little room and they had theirs. I got up and walked out and my mom was reading her silly gossip magazines and I sat on her bed, she sat up and I was just quiet, she asked what was wrong and it took me a moment, but she was patient. And then I told her, but I came out as being bisexual. My mom said she had her suspicions but she said she still loved me and that all she wants is for her kids to be happy. But I couldn't tell my dad, him and I had a good relationship, when my older brothers got older they didn't really want to hang out with my dad, so him and I would play catch with a football, frisbee, baseball. And we'd go to the movies every Friday or Saturday when my mom would go to bingo. So I couldn't tell him, and my mom did. And he accepted it just the same and said he knew too. (oh did I mention back then, I had a clear notebook and you could stick stuff inside it, anyway, I had Sandra Bullock plastered all over it...)

And then I was sixteen, and I met a girl online on a L word forum. We had a long distance relationship and I had known forever that I wasn't bisexual. So while being with the girl, I told my mom and I also said I wasn't bisexual, she said she knew. And then it came to tell my brothers... I told my oldest brother first. We walked into Albertson's (A grocery store) and we sat down at a table, and I just said. He was shocked but still supportive and then made jokes about how we need to find me a girl to which I said I already had one. I told him that I wanted to tell my other two brothers myself. Except, in my family holding onto something doesn't happen, word gets around in a rapid manner. So they knew by the time I told them. I told the youngest brother when we dropped my mom off at bingo, he said he knew, he thought I was going through "a phase" he was the only one that had difficulties with it. It took me a lot longer to tell the second older brother because him and I had a relationship that we didn't have with our other siblings. He already knew of course, so when I told him, he just thanked me for telling him myself and he loved me just the same.

Even though my mom said she still loved me, it took her a very long time to accept that I wouldn't be wearing her wedding dress and give her grandchildren because I made it clear that I wouldn't want to get pregnant.

Eighteen, I moved to be with the girl I was in a LDR with and then I had a time where I was going through a transgender time. The girl I was with, supported me. My family...did not know what to think about that...they didn't disown me but they didn't really support me, except the second oldest brother. My mom flipped her biscuits and just cried and cried. I felt guilty because all my life I had to weight of pressure of being a girl because that's all she wanted. But as the years went on, my mom and I grew into a great relationship. To her I was still a lesbian that she accepted and loved. She only just died last month.

Now at 23, I'm just me. I feel comfortable in knowing that I'm androgynous and I get mistaken for a boy by strangers and I'm okay with that. I do not correct anyone when it come to my gender.

Sorry for the long ass story...

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Listen easy and know that
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