Evenin' all. This is Inspector Quaver, of the Yard, and I require your h'assistance. We all know, I am sure, of your normal crimes --- your robberies, your murders, your fraud --- all serious crimes, and all quite properly tackled, dealt with and prosecuted. But there is, I am sorry to say, h'another, less well publicised but no less 'enious crime, which up until now 'as been let run rampant. Myself and my colleague, Sergeant Crotchet, 'ere --- “Evenin'” --- are part of a new task force what has been set up to h'investigate, pursue and prosecute those crimes we 'ear little of in the daily newspapers, on the news or on the h'internet. Yes, I am afraid I am talking about crimes h'against music.
For
years now, decades h'even, these dastardly criminals 'ave been gettin' away with it, recording the most awful, cringeworthy, pointless music AND makin' a packet out of their nefarious work, to boot! Well, this is where it stops. We --- Sergeant Crotchet and I --- are the “thin blue line” what is going to make sure these people pay for their crimes.
H'obviously, I am not at liberty to reveal any of the h'identities of the villains in question, as we are in the middle of several h'elaborate stings to try and catch them, h'entice them out of 'iding, where many of them 'ave been for over thirty or forty years, thinkin' they're safe. Well, not no more they isn't! But careless talk costs lives, as they say, so until we 'ave completed our h'operations, mum's the word, eh? (Course, were I to mention a certain type of bird, countless Christmas parties, and were Sgt. Crotchet to dance in a particular way --- come on, Sergeant, it's nothing to be ashamed of --- well, I think you can draw your own conclusions as to the sort of sick people we are talkin' about, without me givin' the game away, eh? Word to the wise...)
We aim to track these people down, bring them to court an' make sure that, through careful and proper legal channels, they is incarcerated for their crimes, of what they have got away with for so long till now: you can see, to my left (your right) that we have a cell all ready an' waitin' for them to be detained at 'er Majesty's Pleasure. We just needs to build our case, and set our trap, which is what we're in the process of doin' right now.
Of course, we are always anxious to have 'elp from members of the public in our h'endeavours, so although we 'ave a list as long as the long arm of the law (little police humour there, ho ho!), we can't be sure we know
every criminal out there. There may be crimes wot 'ave been goin' on without our knowledge, but which you as a member of the law-h'abidin' public knows about, and in that case we would be most h'eager to talk to you. So if you 'ave any h'information, please do drop in to our local nick to talk to myself or Sgt. Crotchet, or leave a comment, I believe is the proper parlance these days, h'advisin' us of the perp and any h'information you may 'ave on 'im, 'er or indeed them. Who are they? When was the crime perpetrated? What tipped you off? 'Ow long 'as the criminal been on the run? Where was 'e seen last? Any details you can provide will be h'invaluable in 'elping us catch, try and h'imprison the rogue, so that they are taken off the streets.
We 'ave a dream. A dream where people --- decent, h'ordinary people --- can in the future turn on their radio or television or --- what, Sergeant? The inter-what? Oh, yes --- go on the h'internet in the knowledge that they will not h'encounter such gross travesties of music h'ever again. And I must warn anybody out there contemplating committing such a crime: we
will bring you to justice!
Thank you for your time. This 'as been an h'official appeal on behalf of the new Serious Crimes Against Music task force, or SCAM. We look forward to h'updatin' you on our progress in the near future, and meanwhile any h'information you 'ave will be most 'elpful. Once h'again, thank you and remember, CRIME DOES NOT PAY!