Update:
My stubborn nature has paid off (somewhat). After opening up my iPod for a third time and the screen not working regardless of how many times I reseated the ribbon, it was time to get creative. I Frankensteined the LCD from my old and corrupt ipod and stuck that thing in my new one. Sadly, now the backlight doesn't work but the screen does. I figure...lesser of 2 of evils here. At least now I know what I'm playing. Hell, there's even a chance my battery drains and I reset it the thing might come on. I won't hold my breath, though...I'm content.
Suck it, apple.
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Confusion will be my epitaph...
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