This one was ok. On the positive side, the more unexpected phrases were good and mostly seemed like ones which sound good when spoken/sung too. On the negative side, the first three verses/paragraphs (whatever you call them) were too vague, they didn't create enough interest or give me enough direction from which to read the rest of the lyric. Once I'd read it through once though and then re-read it, it made more sense.
So my suggestion would be re-write it slightly to give a bit more direction at the beginning, write something a bit more interesting in the first 8 lines to catch people's attention and to give them a better starting block from which to run through the rest of the lyric.
That's just my opinion of course!
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