Fears are growing for the safety of Stacey-Lynn McPherson, 24, last seen talking to a shifty-looking male near a convenience store, three hours before she was due to clock in for work at her office. Ms. McPherson has just returned from holiday in the Caribbean, where it is rumoured she may have been involved with a local drug lord. Reports of her fleeing the country may or may not be relevant to her disappearance.
Ms. McPherson is described as slim, about five foot five, with blonde hair which when she was last seen was tied in a ponytail. Unreliable witness testimony also describe her as having, quote, "a wozza pair of jugs". This information should be treated with some scepticism, as what consititutes a wozza pair of jugs varies widely from person to person.
No ransom demands have yet been received, though her friends are said to be "concerned". Anyone with any information should contact
Trollheart@gmail.com. McPherson is not known to have any criminal record, although she is said to have questionable taste in music, which could very well turn out to be a motive for her capture. If she has been captured. We're not saying she has been, you understand. We of course know nothing about this, and any further enquiries should be directed to our attornies.
Trollheart had this to say: "It's that ****ing bastard Urban, isnt it? I KNEW he hated that review of that bloody Ultrasound album he gave me! Well my review stands, Urban! It was ****E! You'd better not hurt her: she's MY bitch!"
Trollheart later retracted this statement, citing "unbelievable pressure due to the loss of a valuable employee", and confirmed that she does, indeed, have a wozza pair of jugs.
We will keep you updated as to any developments. Now, here's a worm who thinks he knows about music. (No, Trollheart: no-one's going to kidnap a WORM! Get real!)