Oh good god! There's no avoiding it anymore. I knew it was coming (we all did) when Trollheart approved this section for me, but even so, do I have to, boss? I do? Dammit, okay. I suppose it's only fair, as this has to be the cheesiest, most cringeworthy, puke-a-tronic song ever written in the history of music. Well, I certainly think so anyway. The gushing sentiment, the overindulgent sense of possession and pride, the slavish devotion, all fronted with
the most aggravating smile --- a smirk, really --- that says this is going to make him millions. It so annoys, revolts and repulses me that it really is hard to even contemplate featuring it, but hey, a job's a job and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do!
The lady in red (Chris de Burgh) 1986
Here at the Playlist we have a lot to hate Mr. de Burgh about, as already expounded on in some length by the Boss in his review of “Crusader” (keep taking the pills, boss, that's it), but the man's insincerity and insecurity are two things that really get to us. This is a guy who has had a slew of hit records, is a huge star and yet he can't take a little criticism from a newspaper, feeling he has to write back, in extremely begrudging fashion and with ill grace and temper, and call the reviewer names? Does that sound like a man who's well-balanced? But the main thing is his insincerity. Let's not forget that only two years before he wrote this love song to his wife, he was happily having an affair with his children's babysitter
while his wife was in hospital! The fact that both she and his daughter forgave him for the affair just makes it worse, and shows how manipulative a man he is, casting all the bad light he could (interesting that the album this came from was called “Into the light”!) back on the nineteen-year-old, calling her a temptress and laying all the blame on her. Right, Chris: it's always the woman's fault, isn't it? Who forced you to have sex with her, hmm?
But in that light it's then doubly, even triply offensive that he should then crawl back to his wife via perhaps the most insipid and insincere love song ever written, more again that she should accept it, and the final straw that not only should it get to number one, but that it should end up defining de Burgh, becoming his signature tune, with the vast majority of the world forgetting or not knowing about his earlier excellent works, like “Spanish train”, “Eastern wind” and, oh yes, “Crusader”.
If I had to choose just one thing that really ground my gears almost to dust about this song though, it would be something already mentioned by Troll in his review (well, the preamble to his review --- alright, his diatribe!) to the "Crusader" album, the writer's simpering explanation of the idea behind the song to the host of the Irish talk show, “The Late Late Show”. He claimed that he had written the song because (rough quote) “You know that feeling you have, when you're staring at this gorgeous woman all night, and wondering who she is and how you could get to meet her, and then suddenly you realise, she's your wife?” Yeah, right. Hands up any of you guys who have ever experienced
that situation! Why not try living in the real world, for once, Chris?
Anyway, I'll say no more about this as I'm getting progressively angrier about it. But just one thing before I go: to hear a proper love song written about someone's wife and how they changed the singer's life, check out Bon Jovi's “You had me from hello” on the album “Bounce”. It's got more simple sincerity in its short run than this pile of garbage could ever hope to if it ran for ten minutes --- perish the thought!