Originally Posted by ThePhanastasio

Today is a good day. There are days like this, but they sometimes feel few and far between. Today, though, is one of those days, and I love the feeling.
I didn't feel broken at all today. Feeling broken, as cliche as it might sound, is feeling like there is a part missing, a cog in the machinery, and there's a disconnect that cannot be repaired unless a new part is put in. The awareness of this 'part' missing is definitely there. When it's minor, this awareness is apparent. When things really get to proceed poorly, when things are beginning to become out of hand, it isn't until after the fact, when I'm going into a period of "good" that I'm able to appreciate the magnitude of how bad, how irrational I was.
Common delusions:
I feel like I've died previously, and that I'm living in some sort of hateful afterlife where my family, friends, and others are present, but where I've invented them and they're not really there. I've invented them to attempt to escape the misery, but they're not really there. I've died, and it varies how I believe I've died. Sometimes, it will be an automobile accident. Sometimes, in my sleep. Rarely - although it has happened in my mind - I've been murdered or committed suicide. The part that always becomes the most painful for me is when I try to assure myself it's not the case. It's doublethink, because it simultaneously feels like the most real sensation in the world, but I have to reassure myself that I'm sick, and just feel that way. When I'm talking to someone I care deeply about, it kills me inside. Especially my family. I will be talking to them, trying to assure myself that I'm alive and that all of this is real, but I'll still be painfully wondering what the real person is doing, and how they're coping with my death. I never, ever express this, but it's a very real feeling, and it's very emotionally devastating.
I feel as thought others can read my thoughts or that there's something set up where they're able to communicate with me using thoughts alone, but I can't receive their input for whatever reason. When this happens, I'm trying desperately only to think good things about them, but my mind turns to depraved sexual fantasies I'm not even interested in, or very hateful remarks on their appearance or personality. None of this is what I actually believe or desire, but I feel like they're going to read my mind all the same, extract this information, and judge me and my intentions based off of that.
I feel as though I'm being recorded and broadcast. Sometimes, it just feels like it may be on the internet. At these times, I cover the webcam with a piece of paper and cocoon myself in my blankets for minimal visibility.
I sometimes feel like I'm someone else and have Dissociative Identity Disorder. I have, during bad states, thought I might be Milla Jovovich, Ron Paul, and Ann Curry, but suffering from DID and unable to go back to or see myself in my natural state.
I'm going to head over to a psychiatrist the moment I get my next paycheck. I've been feeling well for over two months now, so I'm almost certain I'm going to get back to a state where I'm barely able to function with absolute maximum effort. I've had two anxiety attacks while "well," and am hoping that therapy will aid me significantly. I was going to wait for my health insurance to kick in (December) but don't think that's really an option at this point.

I haven't been medicated in years, but where I'm lucid now and feel "normal" and able to interact, I can really appreciate how ****ed up I've been for the majority of the past five years.