Hello MB (and visitors!),
Some of you may have noticed that I have zero tolerance for verbal abuse on MusicBanter. By zero tolerance, I mean that when I observe verbally abusive comments, I usually mention it and say that I feel the behavior isn't okay.
I've decided in this post to explain one reason I confront verbal abuse so strongly. I'll do this by sharing the lyrics of a song that I wrote some time ago about my worst experiences with a significant other who had a personality disorder.
If you have ever loved someone who tends to use verbal and emotional abuse, such as a person with a personality disorder, then you have probably experienced the mixture of sadness for the individual you care about who suffers in so many ways, and awareness that you need to protect yourself by erecting strong personal boundaries. An excellent summary of emotional abuse is provided by Patricia Evans in her book
The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to recognize it and how to respond (an excerpt can be viewed at
http://forum2.aimoo.com/narcissistic...-1-447142.html).
Protecting yourself includes stating whenever you notice the person is being emotionally abusive. Protecting yourself may mean leaving entirely, even though you know the person loves you.
I remember that when I wrote the following song lyrics, I had not yet learned enough about personality disorders to recognize them. I was simply describing how this person I loved treated me during the worst of the bad times, and how I felt when it got to the point where his confusingly cruel, tumultuous, and frightening behavior overshadowed the positives in the relationship:
* * * * *
“Won” by Erica
We disagree, you start a fight,
you say you’ll stop, then make a slight.
I can’t win with you.
I can’t win.
When I feel hurt, you put me down,
say I’m too sensitive to be around.
I can’t win with you.
I can’t win with you
telling me to tell you everything,
yet when I do you start to fling
caustic comments viciously.
You treat me so dismissively
I know I can’t win with you.
I know I can’t win.
So I will win on my own
self-respect and protect
my emotions if you won’t.
I will build on my own
self-esteem and my dreams
I’ll support when you don’t.
I will win on my own.
You mock me, a verbal choke,
then tell me I can’t take a joke.
I can’t win with you.
I can’t win.
When I refuse to play your games
where I’m the ball, you call me names.
I can’t win with you.
I can’t win with you
knowing right where to strike,
you tear down what I most like
about myself, then when I vent
you blame me for resentment.
I know I can’t win with you.
I know I can’t win.
So I will win on my own
self-respect and protect
my emotions if you won’t.
I will build on my own
self-esteem and my dreams
I’ll support when you don’t.
I will win on my own.
Denigrating those who ridicule,
you turn around and say I’m a fool,
then when I’m sad, you angrily
withhold your love from me.
I wonder where your kindness went.
I thought I was the one for you,
yet you act like I’m beneath contempt.
Trying to beat me one-on-one,
you’re losing when you think you’ve won.
I’m still in love with you
for all you are that’s wonderful.
I wish you the best, love,
but I am no fool.
I know I can’t win with you.
I know I can’t win...
so I will win on my own
self-respect and protect
my emotions if you won’t.
I will build on my own
self-esteem and my dreams
I’ll support when you don’t.
I will win on my own
self-respect and protect
my emotions if you won’t.
I will build on my own
self-esteem and my dreams
I’ll support when you don’t.
I will win on my own.
* * * * *
^ The saddest part of this relationship was to see someone I love experience the emotional turmoil that led him to strike out at me, wonderful, honest, brave, playful, compassionate, smart me!
I had to realize that I couldn't take his putdowns and negative perceptions personally (although I always did, at some level). I challenged his hurtful behaviors and perceptions that seemed incorrect to me. I tried to do this calmly and kindly, reminding myself that people often need love and patience the most when they are the most unlovable. And we aren't talking about occasional callous behavior. The cruelest comments that people make on MB look like child's play compared to those of someone with a personality disorder when you are in a relationship with that person, and he has access to all your private thoughts and emotions.
Unfortunately, the hardest step for someone with a personality disorder appears to be recognizing that she or he has one. This isn't too surprising, because I think many people in the general population aren't aware of the signs of a personality disorder, and few of us like to admit there might be something wrong with us.
Examples of personality disorders are anti-social personality disorder (
Anti-Social Personality Disorder) and obsessive compulsive personality disorder (OCPD). The article called "The Right Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A Defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety" by Dr. Steven Phillipson gives an excellent description of OCPD (
OCD ONLINE - The RIGHT Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety).
The good news is that if you have a personality disorder and become self-aware, then hope exists that you can learn to temper and change your reactions. You can possibly avoid a pattern of broken relationships, lost jobs and opportunities, substance abuse, and problems with the law. An optimistic blog about living with a personality disorder is The Gift of OCPD (
The Gift of OCPD), written by a young man who realized he has OCPD.
So after reading my lyrics, if you recognize that someone close to you is reacting to your behaviors in the same way I describe, please consider that you may have a personality disorder and seek help.
And if you are someone who has experienced a relationship that made you feel as awful as I did during the worst times in mine, then I recommend you visit this website for people with personality disorders and their loved ones: Out of the FOG (
Out of the FOG - Personality Disorder Support). A great forum also exists for people who are dealing specifically with OCPD (
Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder Support Group • Index page).
I wish I had learned about personality disorders much earlier than I did, not only for my sake because that knowledge would have helped me deal more effectively with my significant other, but also for my loved one's sake.
Here is more detailed information about OCPD, for those who are interested:
Quote:
From: "The Right Stuff: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A Defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety," by by Steven Phillipson, Ph.D.
OCD ONLINE - The RIGHT Stuff - Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder: A defect of Philosophy, not Anxiety
Persons with Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder are typically deeply entrenched in their dysfunctional beliefs and genuinely see their way of functioning as the "correct" way. Their overall style of relating to the world around them is processed through their own strict standards. While generally their daily experience is such that "all is not well," they tend to be deeply committed to their own beliefs and patterns. The depth of one's belief that "my way is the correct way" makes them resistant to accepting the premise that it is in their best interest to let go of "truth owning." Yet letting go of truth is paramount in their recovery.
The primary manifestations of OCPD entail either a bent toward perfectionistic standards or righteous indignation. Along with perfectionism comes relentless anxiety about not getting things perfect. Getting things correct and avoiding at all costs the possibilities of making an error is of paramount importance. This perspective produces procrastination and indecisiveness.
The second factor entails the rigid ownership of truth. This feature produces anger and conflict. Persons with OCPD generally lean toward one of these perspectives or another. In some cases both perspectives are of equal magnitude. Rituals, on the other hand, often play a relatively small part in this complex syndrome of perfectionistic mannerisms, intense anger and strict standards. Their way is the correct way and all other options are "WRONG". Anger and contempt are rarely held at bay for those who disagree.
Although rarely observed by others, the experience of inner turmoil within this syndrome is immense. As much as others are often victimized by OCPD's oppressive and demanding style, the high standards often apply two fold within the OCPD sufferers' expectations directed toward themselves. This self-hatred along with tremendous disappointment can easily lead to feeling of depression. Since one's humanness prevents an OCPD sufferer from living according his own high standards, a tremendous amount of self-hatred is imposed.
Another contributor to depression within the OCPD population is a cognitive style characterized by dichotomous thinking. Dichotomous thinking is the tendency to categorize all aspects of life into one of two perspectives -- "All good" or "All bad." The world is viewed predominantly through clearly defined black and white realms. All that is pure and wholesome is valued. It can take only one stain or blemish to have the person completely find justification in discarding anything which evidences a flaw. Within their own being these rigid standards can be devastating to one's self image. Fault finding in one's own world produces a regular source of conflict in maintaining the high standards of life.
For many who have close contact with an OCPD sufferer there can be a pervasive experience of being ill at ease, while in the company of someone with OCPD. Often, being with persons who evidence this diagnosis feels like walking in a field of land mines. One never knows when you're going to step on one and pay a heavy emotional price for crossing the rigid standards. This ever present threat creates a tremendous amount of trepidation, resentment, and tension.
Living out the patterns of OCPD for oneself and for others around you is devastating. If you are at the end of your rope and these characteristics are relevant, I strongly suggest you seek new paths.
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