Music Banter - View Single Post - Critique my poetry please! Thinking of publishing need honest opinions.
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Old 12-02-2012, 01:10 PM   #3 (permalink)
VEGANGELICA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by slappyjenkins View Post
Ok folks this is hard for me. I'm proud of these but I know not everyone is gonna react with 100 percent positivity...you know sometimes when you have an ugly baby you just have an ugly baby, when people go 'EWWWWW what is that?' They are just being honest.

Well I need ugly baby honesty here. Tell me what you REALLY think. This will help me guage the reaction I would get and what things I might have to change to launch this terrifying venture.

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Here's the first selection of my poems...omg I'm weak in the knees....
Slappyjenkins, your analogy between a possibly ugly poem and an ugly baby made me think of that Seinfeld episode where everyone except the mother thinks the baby is horrifyingly ugly!


Seinfeld S05E21 The Hamptons - Jerry and Elaine finally get to see THE BABY - YouTube

In reality, I think that beauty really *is* in the eye of the beholder, especially when it comes to poetry.

I tend to like certain characteristics in poems (for example, I love rhyming, symbolism, and word play), just like I feel certain physical characteristics of babies are more appealing than others, but this doesn't mean there is anything *wrong* with the poem/baby.

With that said, I'll give you my feedback in italics below by telling you my exact thoughts that I had as I read each poem:

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Thinking of you

I'll write a poem
I'll write a letter
I'll look them over
and send the better

I'll send the one
with the most heartfelt meaning
The sweetest words
and the warmest feelings
-----

^ This is a sweet little poem. My favorite lines are "I'll look them over and send the better" because I like the rhyming of letter/better and the expression of a universal desire to send your best representation of yourself to someone you care about because you want to please that person.

Overall, the poem sounds like something I might expect in a Hallmark card. Simple and sweet.

I think you could turn "feelings" to "feeling" without changing the poem's meaning, and doing so would allow you to gain a more perfect rhyme between meaning/feeling.


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Blue Eyes

I'll sit outside every night and look for you
in the sky, in the stars, in the face of the moon
I'll see you there in life's grandest mysteries
and think of you quite endlessly
I'll long for you
when the nights are still
I'll wake and look for you
I always will
I may love others
but never like I loved you
I'll hold my children
and hug them and love them
I hope their eyes are blue

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^ A beautiful short poem of adoration and yearning. My favorite line is "I'll see you there in life's grandest mysteries" because I relate to that experience of love. (I feel you could strengthen that line by removing the word, "there.") It reminds me of a quote about love that I like that says when you love someone the focus of your universe condenses down into that single person, and when you see that person, you sense the universe (and all its mysteries) within him or her.

Another quote I like about love is this one by Oscar Wilde: “Never love anyone who treats you like you're ordinary.”

And this one by Chuck Palahniuk: “If you love something set it free, but don't be surprised if it comes back with herpes.”



^ I thought you'd like that one.

Back to your poem, I am charmed by the idea of wishing your children have eyes that remind you of a person you love. This reminded me of how love for one person can increase appreciation of other people, too, because we are all made from the same fabric. Your poem makes me wonder why the relationship didn't continue.


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Three Words

three little words
and what they mean to me
three little words
handed down through history
three little words
every guy tells his girl
three little words
heard all 'round the world
three little words
you might say in the park
three little words
you might say in the dark
three little words
you might say at the movies
three little words
I... want....boobies
-----

^ No truer words have ever been spoken!

A cute poem. I *did* expect you to end with "I love you" (and I was hoping you wouldn't), so I was pleased by your amusing conclusion. This reminds me of one of my favorite love songs of all time:


Beach Boys -- "I'd Love Just Once to See You"


The Beach Boys - I'd Love Just Once to See You - YouTube

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Love is good medicine

kisses kisses and warm wet wishes
for your nose your toes
your knees and elbows

hugs hugs and pharmacuetical drugs
for your uppers your downers
your infections and frowners

----

^ That's also a very cute poem because you mix sweet sentiments with more realistic ones. Pharmaceutical drugs are great for loved ones in pain. My favorite drugs that I'm very glad scientists have created are hydrocodone, morphine (for general body pain), and gabapentin (for neuropathy, damage to peripheral nerves due to chemotherapy that causes excruciating pain).

^ "Love is good medicine" is my second favorite poem of the ones you posted, with "Blue Eyes" being my favorite.


----

Untitled #29

Life is moving on
and I must move with it
Because life isn't what you
think or feel or say
its what you do
and how you live it
---------------------

^ Interesting. For me, life is often more about what I think and feel and say, but I agree that taking action and actually doing activities are important. Just a couple days ago I wrote this to a cousin about living vs. thinking about life: "I'm kind of a 'prepare for the worst in the future' person, and so sometimes life seems like this long, slow train wreck waiting to happen. I have to remind myself to look out the windows, get off at the train stops for potty breaks, run through the meadows and scenery before the train gets going again, enjoy the dining car, etc., and not just think about the final destination!"

I feel that your poem is a statement of an emotional realization, rather like a journal entry. I would prefer more visual imagery and symbols in your poem. I'm thinking now of a short poem by Jim Morrison in which he vividly describes an outer experience of life as it reflects his inner state (below):

An appearance of the devil
on a Venice canal.
Running, I saw a Satan
or Satyr, moving beside
me, a fleshy shadow
of my secret mind. Running,
Knowing.

-- Jim Morrison

^ See how this poem includes references to Jim Morrison's exerior world of doing. I imagine Morrison in a boat floating down the Venice canal, while someone dressed like a devil is running alongside the canal and keeping up with him, reminding Morrison of his inner state, his secret mind. I miss similar references to the outside world in your short poem about living.

In comparison, your poem describes the inner state of being without many references in it to actually *doing* something. So, that's a layer of irony in the poem: your poem (about the importance of taking actions in life) describes something you are thinking and saying, rather than doing.


----

paths that never meet

Winding winding winding
at times so close
but destined never to meet

There is a path made for you
And one made for me

Around and over and back and still
winding through the trees
and winding through the hills

Two seperate lives
going their seperate ways

Sharing only memories
If only for today

I think our paths meet
on the road up ahead
But they are once again
diverging instead

Maybe this is all we'll ever be
two seperate paths
that never quite meet
----

I like the meaning of this poem more than the structure of it, because the words sound a little sing-songy to me, where the motions of the path become the main focus: "Around and over and back and still winding through the trees and winding through the hills." It reminds me of a children's book I love, "Bears in the Night," by the Berenstains...but I'm not sure if you want that child-like feel that I sense in the poem.

About the meaning: the poem suggests resignation that destiny determines the fate of a relationship even while the person with whom one is involved is alive.

I'm wondering if that sense of possible resignation removes one's own responsibility for the direction a relationship takes.

I feel that while a person is alive, the possibility for change and reconciliation always exists. I feel that destiny is not the cause of relationships breaking apart. Instead, I feel they break because one member (or both) feels or says, "I am not willing to live with you the way you are and with the way I feel when I am with you. I do not want to change how I respond, and I don't trust you to be able to change how you are."

So when I read your poem, the question I ask myself is how much free will a person has when deciding to separate from another. I think I would be angry if someone told me, "It is destiny that is making me not want to be with you." I'd want him or her to own up to her or his involvement in that decision.


---

I'll love you from afar

As my life goes by I'll think of you
And wonder how you are...
I'll sit quietly and remember you
And love you from afar
---------

^ I can imagine writing this expression of emotion as I try to make peace with not having someone in my life.

I feel this short poem, with a lovely sentiment, has a greeting card feeling again, which makes it sound very honest and uncomplicated but perhaps too simple to me.

I wrote a similar poem once about someone, but I made the poem more flowery. I'll type three stanzas of my poem below, because I think it is interesting to see the different way we chose to express the same emotion:

* * *

My love, you're far away now,
though we walk on this same earthly ground,
but our paths rarely cross so it's seldom
I see you around.

Your life is full and fulfilling
with people you love faithfully
and I know your devotion to them is
just as it should be.

If ever you're feeling lonely
as you wake in life's sweet embrace,
know my love like the sunlight around you
still kisses your face.


* * *

Quote:
Originally Posted by slappyjenkins View Post
I know some of these are REALLY short, but this is how each poem revealed itself to me and I am always loathe to touch them after they've been born.

These are some of my babies, tell me what you think.
Your honoring of your initial creative impulse is lovely and interesting to me. Thank you for sharing your babies!

My relationship with my poem-babies is entirely different: I always alter poems after I've written them. I put them aside, reconsider them later (days, months, even years later), and I frequently tinker with or radically change poems until they are in a form that satisfies me.

I want to get more playful with my own writing so that it feels more spontaneous and chaotic. Reading about your style of writing, slappyjenkins, reminds me of my goal to be more spontaneous and playful with my own!
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Neapolitan:
If a chicken was smart enough to be able to speak English and run in a geometric pattern, then I think it should be smart enough to dial 911 (999) before getting the axe, and scream to the operator, "Something must be done! Something must be done!"

Last edited by VEGANGELICA; 12-02-2012 at 01:29 PM.
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