Music Banter - View Single Post - Critique my poetry please! Thinking of publishing need honest opinions.

slappyjenkins · 12-02-2012, 02:42 PM

Vegangelica....you have done me a great great service. Your lengthy review, critique and exchange is a rare and special thing that most non-artists/non-writers do not realize is so very important. Most people look at your work and go 'yeah that's good' or 'meh, I don't like that one'...and you are left where you was just a second ago, on your own with no real feedback.

I have been looking through your collection thread. It is daunting to even begin to critique you. Where my lines maybe 3 to 5 words long and my entire poems might be a few lines, yours may be several words long and many many lines to completion.

But in every one of your poems I feel that critical thinking that makes you so very special in my eyes. Your emotions are never just 'oh well I'm sad', they are more likely to come across as 'I am sad....and this is why, in detail'. I hope that comes across as a compliment. Most writers like myself are simply expressive, maybe on too simple of a level. I'll just use a line like 'I loved you yesterday', and let it imply an infinite number of things or let YOU decide what it means to you. I think if I went back over my poetry, analyzed it, and then started to make changes it would certainly lengthen them out if nothing else. But the reason I have not done that is I can't describe that feeling of having something seem like it came out of nowhere and transferred itself through my hand to paper(or word pad) --and you know that process, being a writer yourself. Every single one of these little poems is a reflection of something that was happening to me at the time. I was put under extreme pressure and emotionally shat out these little guys. Or they shat themselves out. I can't even describe the process...I can remember for each of them that I was emotionally burdened by any millions of things that was hurting me, I would sit and go to this place(often with a cup of coffee and my ipod) where I was thinking of nothing else but how to rectify the situation or make the situation better, or even pondering WHY this was happening....and there the poem would be, as if in answer to what was going on. And sadly as you can see most of the time it was resignation. Not that I'm a quitter, but when you've put endless time, money, work and emotion into something and its only getting worse and worse, then you realize that it's not really over....it simply had never begun. I learned that you can't make someone love you, you can't buy their love, and you can't control what another person does. If they choose to hurt you or belittle you or simply can not return your feelings, then it was most likely time to move on ages ago. I've said this to a couple of girls...'We had something really special from the moment we met. But the only way to have kept it special was probably by day three for one us to come right up to the other, shake their hand, give them a hug, and say 'I'm outta here while it's perfect''. That's the only way we'd have that perfect memory of them. There's only one girl that I think fondly of in that complete missing/longing way. Her name is Cindy. We had a friendship/love affair when we were in our teens. Her family moved away, FAR AWAY. And we just didn't write enough or call enough to keep it alive and we lost touch. We both turned into different people and went our seperate ways. BUT, the point is our relationship ended in a 'perfect state'...we loved each other as best friends, we desired each other as lovers, we never had a really huge fight. Our fights were the silliest things ever and we'd often end them by laughing at each other for getting mad at something. That's when you know you really love someone. When you get mad and they get mad, and all of a sudden instead of killing each other you start to laugh and the other person laughs and you kiss or hug or 'whatever' and it is truly forgiven. It's never brought up again, it's never used against you. That to me this is true love and growing together, this is freedom of your emotional love, and I've only had it with one person. Everyone else it's been a nightmare! Tiny things turn into giagantic battles that can rage for days. And even when the argument is over things are brought up days, weeks, sometimes years later. And you just feel this overwhelming sense of 'Eh, I give up.'

I know you've touch on relationship problems with things like OCD. That's when you know you're in a really bad relationship, when you try to confront that other person and tell them 'hey, you are too high strung, you're controlling, you hold onto things forever, I don't feel we can even move forward in any way.' And they shoot right back at you - 'what are you talking about? You're the crazy one here! You're always trying to control everything I do and you argue with me for nothing and I hate you!'

Fingers are pointing in every direction but back on themselves. That to me is insanity. This is the truth for any relationship...there are at least two sides to every story. I look back and I realize that yeah I was probably an ass in some of those, but I swear there were times I felt I struggled to move mountains to help that other person.... bought them cars, got them back in school, fixed their teeth, let them cry on my shoulder for days about any old thing, and here they are ****ing me over some way...and in the end the finger is pointed back at me....SIGH...it's rough out here in the bad old world...

Anyway if you were interested in my process or what was behind each of these poems I'll break it down as best as I can remember...

12-02-2012, 02:42 PM	#4 (permalink)
slappyjenkins Music Addict Join Date: Nov 2012 Posts: 214	Vegangelica....you have done me a great great service. Your lengthy review, critique and exchange is a rare and special thing that most non-artists/non-writers do not realize is so very important. Most people look at your work and go 'yeah that's good' or 'meh, I don't like that one'...and you are left where you was just a second ago, on your own with no real feedback. I have been looking through your collection thread. It is daunting to even begin to critique you. Where my lines maybe 3 to 5 words long and my entire poems might be a few lines, yours may be several words long and many many lines to completion. But in every one of your poems I feel that critical thinking that makes you so very special in my eyes. Your emotions are never just 'oh well I'm sad', they are more likely to come across as 'I am sad....and this is why, in detail'. I hope that comes across as a compliment. Most writers like myself are simply expressive, maybe on too simple of a level. I'll just use a line like 'I loved you yesterday', and let it imply an infinite number of things or let YOU decide what it means to you. I think if I went back over my poetry, analyzed it, and then started to make changes it would certainly lengthen them out if nothing else. But the reason I have not done that is I can't describe that feeling of having something seem like it came out of nowhere and transferred itself through my hand to paper(or word pad) --and you know that process, being a writer yourself. Every single one of these little poems is a reflection of something that was happening to me at the time. I was put under extreme pressure and emotionally shat out these little guys. Or they shat themselves out. I can't even describe the process...I can remember for each of them that I was emotionally burdened by any millions of things that was hurting me, I would sit and go to this place(often with a cup of coffee and my ipod) where I was thinking of nothing else but how to rectify the situation or make the situation better, or even pondering WHY this was happening....and there the poem would be, as if in answer to what was going on. And sadly as you can see most of the time it was resignation. Not that I'm a quitter, but when you've put endless time, money, work and emotion into something and its only getting worse and worse, then you realize that it's not really over....it simply had never begun. I learned that you can't make someone love you, you can't buy their love, and you can't control what another person does. If they choose to hurt you or belittle you or simply can not return your feelings, then it was most likely time to move on ages ago. I've said this to a couple of girls...'We had something really special from the moment we met. But the only way to have kept it special was probably by day three for one us to come right up to the other, shake their hand, give them a hug, and say 'I'm outta here while it's perfect''. That's the only way we'd have that perfect memory of them. There's only one girl that I think fondly of in that complete missing/longing way. Her name is Cindy. We had a friendship/love affair when we were in our teens. Her family moved away, FAR AWAY. And we just didn't write enough or call enough to keep it alive and we lost touch. We both turned into different people and went our seperate ways. BUT, the point is our relationship ended in a 'perfect state'...we loved each other as best friends, we desired each other as lovers, we never had a really huge fight. Our fights were the silliest things ever and we'd often end them by laughing at each other for getting mad at something. That's when you know you really love someone. When you get mad and they get mad, and all of a sudden instead of killing each other you start to laugh and the other person laughs and you kiss or hug or 'whatever' and it is truly forgiven. It's never brought up again, it's never used against you. That to me this is true love and growing together, this is freedom of your emotional love, and I've only had it with one person. Everyone else it's been a nightmare! Tiny things turn into giagantic battles that can rage for days. And even when the argument is over things are brought up days, weeks, sometimes years later. And you just feel this overwhelming sense of 'Eh, I give up.' I know you've touch on relationship problems with things like OCD. That's when you know you're in a really bad relationship, when you try to confront that other person and tell them 'hey, you are too high strung, you're controlling, you hold onto things forever, I don't feel we can even move forward in any way.' And they shoot right back at you - 'what are you talking about? You're the crazy one here! You're always trying to control everything I do and you argue with me for nothing and I hate you!' Fingers are pointing in every direction but back on themselves. That to me is insanity. This is the truth for any relationship...there are at least two sides to every story. I look back and I realize that yeah I was probably an ass in some of those, but I swear there were times I felt I struggled to move mountains to help that other person.... bought them cars, got them back in school, fixed their teeth, let them cry on my shoulder for days about any old thing, and here they are ****ing me over some way...and in the end the finger is pointed back at me....SIGH...it's rough out here in the bad old world... Anyway if you were interested in my process or what was behind each of these poems I'll break it down as best as I can remember...