Quote:
Originally Posted by Face
All of them became a sing-song voice in my head, due to the rhythm in the lines.
The last one is the only one which was read in the "this is a poem" voice..in my head.
I don't know how this would help you, probably not at all.  |
Face, I enjoyed the feedback. It does help. The main reason to get other's opinions is simple...you, the reader, would be the target audience. If that's to make sales or to make a certain impact, that all comes from you.
The fact that my poems are more 'sing-song' that traditional poems is a nice compliment. I have said somewhere here in this thread before that I have always wanted to write songs anyway.
thank you so much face!
Oh on another note. I did not know how rewarding it would be to have other people look at my writing. My writing is very personal and only been given to the person it was meant for, to have others look at it and give their opinion is something special!
and hey Vegan, been thinking about what you said
Quote:
Untitled #29
Life is moving on
and I must move with it
Because life isn't what you
think or feel or say
its what you do
and how you live it
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^ Interesting. For me, life is often more about what I think and feel and say, but I agree that taking action and actually doing activities are important. Just a couple days ago I wrote this to a cousin about living vs. thinking about life: "I'm kind of a 'prepare for the worst in the future' person, and so sometimes life seems like this long, slow train wreck waiting to happen. I have to remind myself to look out the windows, get off at the train stops for potty breaks, run through the meadows and scenery before the train gets going again, enjoy the dining car, etc., and not just think about the final destination!"
I feel that your poem is a statement of an emotional realization, rather like a journal entry. I would prefer more visual imagery and symbols in your poem. I'm thinking now of a short poem by Jim Morrison in which he vividly describes an outer experience of life as it reflects his inner state (below):
An appearance of the devil
on a Venice canal.
Running, I saw a Satan
or Satyr, moving beside
me, a fleshy shadow
of my secret mind. Running,
Knowing.
-- Jim Morrison
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This poem came out of me BECAUSE of the thinking and feeling and talking. All we did was talk talk talk talk, I finally got to a point where I was like we can talk, but we really should DO something eventually. I agree with the irony you take from the poem that in even making the statement that 'Life is what you do' can be taken as simply another set of words...you're still just saying and not doing...well that is true and not true at the same time. The poem for me was the point where I said all the talk is over and now I'm going to do something...which was to move out of the relationship and move on with my life. I took several actual steps in the real world that really changed what was going on in my mind mentally and in reality. The poem was a statement to her, that I gotta DO something, can't keep talking about what might have been or what might COULD be, there is the real world out there and I got to live in it.