CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part I
(Note: If I post a video in my post, that means that you are expected to listen to it while reading. If the video finishes before you have finished reading, then you must play it again. Failure to do this will result in being declared a poseur. Since I have no way of telling if someone has not done what I ask, you are on the honor system, and will be expected to turn yourself in. If you fail to do this, then you are already a dishonest poseur, and will be found out eventually. You have been warned.)
One day, I was listening to High On Fire and thinking about how gay poseur boy emo haircuts were, you know, a typical Wednesday. My neighbors were bitching at me cause I was on my front porch with my neighbor hater speakers goin' at full blast and pointed directly at their houses. Of course, that's just the kinda generous guy I am. I mean, they're all trying to play with their f
ucking little bastard children, probably fantasizing about abortions, and here I am letting them listen to one of the most kick ass bands on Earth, and they're too busy whining about the sand in their collective vaginas to appreciate their good fortune. The f
uckers even called the cops, but the Fuzz knew what was up, and when they got here, they called the rest of the pork brigade over and started a mosh pit on my lawn. Sweet.
The f
uck was I talking about again? Oh yeah...so, High On Fire were kickin' some serious ass, and Matt Pike was showing just why you're a pussy and he's not. Awesome. Then, "Ethereal" came on, and I guess the combination of the out-of-this-world awesomeness and the sheer volume of my speakers, not to mention the several goats that I had sacrificed earlier that day in an unrelated incident, caused some kind of interdimensional rip in the fabric of the space-time continuum, and I was sucked into a particularly bitchin' portal. Then, I was travelling through some kind of wormhole, and I was surrounded by images of people being tortured, hideous creatures, Kerry King drinking Jager bombs, and other assorted randomocity. Some tool who listened to Radiohead or Animal Collective might have been scared, but I just had a huge boner. I
was wearing a Morbid Angel t-shirt after all. After a few minutes, or longer, I really don't know, since High On Fire were still playing somehow, and I was too busy headbanging to really pay attention, I saw a giant doorway getting closer and closer. Eventually, I was right up on it, and it opened, and a bright light emanated from it that blinded me. When I could see again, I was standing in what looked like a huge, crumbling stone temple to some god who demands virgin sacrifices, cause we all know that pagan gods are pedophiles. On the one hand, it was a kick ass temple, but High On Fire had stopped playing, so I was pissed. Just then, some Lovecraft lookin', demony motherf
ucker appeared out of nowhere and gazed at me with malevolence. Dude had horns, and wings, and claws, and the head of a lion. In other words, he kicked ass. So, I threw up the horns, and he threw them right back at me, so I knew he was cool.
Then he spoke in a voice deep and terrible, like the sound of Earth's plates grinding against one another, or a Thergothon album. Whatever, it was sweet, but I refrained from throwing up the horns again, since it would have been rude to interrupt him (I knew that it was a him, since it had a massive, fear inspiring wang that I shall not speak of here, cause that would be gay.) So yeah, dude was talking, and he said, "Though you are but a mere mortal, I see that you are worthy, so I shall not rend the flesh from your bones. I will even tell you how to get back to your world, since this portal only works one way. First, you must travel to the great King-Over-the-Mountain to the East, and if he finds you worthy, he shall send you home." Then he disappeared and I left the temple to find this king and find some place to rub one out, since I still had a raging boner.
To Be Continued...