CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part II
So, when last we left our intrepid motherf
ucking hero (me), he had been sucked into a portal and dumped into some evil temple and told by a bitchin' demon to go find some King-Over-Some-Mountain off to the East. So yeah, I left the temple and went out by some bushes to beat my meat. I wasn't self conscious or anything, I just didn't want any other dudes tryin' to sneak a peak or some sh
it. After that, I was hungry, so I threw a rock at a bunny and ate it raw, cause that's what vikings do. Now satisfied, I went off in the direction of the mountains to the East, and walked for about half an hour or so, until I came upon five dudes who I recognized to be Blind Guardian. Some people think that Blind Guardian are gay, but they can suck sh
it from my assh
ole, cause Blind Guardian f
ucking rule! I asked them what five righteous dudes such as them could be doing in a sh
it turd like this. Shouldn't they be bangin' Polish porn stars while watching Romanian porn stars eat out Bulgarian porn stars? Their singer, Hansi Kursch, a true motherf
ucking Defender of the Faith if ever there was one, told me, "The people of this land do not read, since they use every scrap of paper that they can find to roll joints. So, we have come to this ignorant, but stoned land in order to spread the word of Tolkien." I thought that this was a pretty groovy thing to be doing, since any book with midgets smoking weed was sufficiently awesome to justify interdimensional proselytizing. So, I asked them where they were going, and they told me that they were also going to find the King-Over-the-Mountain. So, I suggested that we join forces, and they readily agreed, since they too thought that Morbid Angel ruled, even if their new album was a steaming pile of elephant diarrhea. I then had a rather embarrassing moment when I thought to myself, "OMG! I'm going on tour with Blind f
ucking Guardian!!!", and then giggled like a little school girl, which caused Blind Guardian to cover their junk out of fear that I would try to grope them. I assured them that it was only a momentary lapse and that I was a raging heterosexual. They still looked dubious, so I told them that I thought that Cher and Barbara Streisand were butt fugly, and they, knowing that no gay dude would ever talk that way about Cher or Barbara Streisand, were finally convinced and we made our way to the base of the mountains and prepared for the ascent.
We walked for most of the day, but eventually we neared the top of the mountain we were climbing. We could have saved time by going through a nearby gap, but I had always wanted to pee off the top of a mountain, so we all agreed to go up to the top. When we were almost to the top, we discovered a large cave with skeletons lying everywhere in front of it. Then a huge troll appeared at the mouth of the cave and started grittin' on us, so we all gave him the finger while Hansi made a gesture with his hand and mouth that implied that the troll should perform oral sex on him. He was an ugly doucheturd, three times the height of a normal man, covered in warts and sores, and with a huge gnarly man bush. He didn't even cover it up when other dudes were around, so I knew he was queer. Not that I have a problem with
actual gay dudes, but when they're waving their smelly, three foot long wangs in my face, I get agitated. Then the troll started staring at my junk, and touchin' himself, so we decided it was time to kick his ass, cause there's no way we were gonna let some troll make us drop the soap. So, Blind Guardian set up their instruments and started playing "Into the Storm" in order to distract him, while I started headbanging. After a minute of headbanging, I picked up a big stick (and then I picked up a branch!) and hit him in the balls. When he was down, we all started hitting him with rocks and sticks until he was dead, and then we urinated on him. Having finally vanquished the troll, we all made our way up to the top of the mountain. When we finally got over the top, we saw a castle in a valley. It was a truly kick ass castle with towers and battlements and ramparts...what the f
uck are ramparts anyway? Isn't that what you panty waists are good for? Knowing what words mean? Anyways, it was bitchin' is what I am trying to impart. And...surrounding the castle, as far as the eye could see...were fields upon fields of cannabis plants. Bitchin'.
To Be Continued...