CAUTION!!!: Listening to High On Fire May Cause Bitchin' Interdimensional Rifts In the Space-Time Continuum - Part IV
'Tis a bittersweet day. 'Tis the day that you will finish reading of my intense awesometasticness, but it is also the day that I shall finally be revealed to you and all the world as the great and mighty hero that I have always known myself to be. You are truly fortunate. As I entered the stone spiral staircase leading down to Cthulhu's temple and began my descent, I had nothing to break the monotony of the featureless stone except for an incessant itching in my crotch. I would later discover that that bitch, Debbie Harry, gave me chlamydia. After a long time, I began to see light coming from the bottom of the staircase. I also heard strange chanting, so I said a quick prayer to Cliff Burton and finished my descent. When I stepped out of the staircase, I was in a huge stone chamber with a massive altar to Cthulhu at the far end. Kneeling before the altar were at least twenty hooded men. When they heard me walking towards them, they stood up, turned around, and pulled down their hoods. I was horrified at what I saw.
They had emo haircuts! Cthulhu's minions all had stupid black and pink and green dyed fringe hiaircuts. They were poseurs! That could mean only one thing. I became dizzy with the implications and collapsed. Cthulhu...Cthulhu was a poseur! This couldn't be! All that I loved and held dear was being called into question. I hadn't been this disillusioned since
Bum Fights got snubbed for an Oscar. While I was incapacitated, the poseur minions grabbed me and shackled me to the altar. They intended to sacrifice me to their poseur god, for only the blood of True Metalhead could raise him from his slumber. They began to chant again, and one of them picked up a cruel looking curved dagger that, under normal circumstances I would have described as bitchin', and held it over my heart. At this point, my senses had returned to me, and I realized my peril, but to no avail. I was unable to move and my death was imminent. Ctulhu's poseur reign of terror was about to begin.
But just then, when all hope seemed lost, I felt the spirit of Cliff Burton suffuse my limbs, and give me a strength such as I had never known (I had to say "suffuse my limbs" because the only other phrase I could think of was "entered me" and no man should ever say that another man has entered him.) I then broke the chains that were holding me, grabbed the dagger, that I would now certainly describe as bitchin', and went all "Puncture Wound Massacre" on the vile poseur priests. Glory to the brave and f
uck all purveyors of false metal! Now that I had killed the poseurs and stopped Cthulhu's rise, there was nothing left to do now but to step through the doorway of the portal and return home. When I stepped through the portal, I appeared back on Earth in exactly the same place that I had been when my journey began. It also appeared that no time had passed, since there was still a circle pit of cops beating the sh
it out of each other on my lawn, my neighbors were still bitching, and, most importantly, High On Fire were still kicking ass all over the time-space continuum on my stereo. Sweet. So, to celebrate, I grabbed a beer, lit up a joint, and punched the old bat across the street in the face.
And that is how I saved the multiverse from certain destruction at the hands of Cthulhu. Your welcome.
The End