The Batlord Answers Some Common Questions from People Far Less Bitchin' than He
In my infinite wisdom and generosity, I have decided to answer some questions that you may be too scared to ask me out of fear that I might mock you and decide to mail you a package filled with dog turds, and with good reason. It is also understandable that you might assume that I have the answers for your queries, since any knowledge that is worth having is within my considerable expertise. So, without further ado:
Q. How can I become a True Metalhead?
A. Step 1: Listen to more metal.
Step 2: Don't listen to prog. Prog blows.
Step 3: Kill your parents.
Q. How old is the Pope.
A. F
uck if I know. Quit asking stupid questions.
Q. How can I bang more bitches?
A. First of all, bitches don't like poseurs, so see the first question. Now, it's well known that bitches decide whether or not to bang you within five seconds of seeing you, so you gotta stop looking like fungus. May I suggest wearing this shirt?
Bitches love Cannibal Corpse.
Now the bitches should be falling over themselves to slob on your knob, but if not, all is not lost. Bitches love a man to show that they care by making a grand gesture. May I suggest that you mark your territory by urinating on their doorstep. If you are more daring, defecation would be even more effective. Of course, you may just be fugly, and no amount of effort will be able to get the bitches' attention. If so, I suggest this fail safe trick: when at a party, hit any other dudes in the face with a wrench. This will not only take out your competition, but will cause any bitches in sight's panties to become soaked at the virulence of your manliness, fugly or no fugly.
Q. Do you ever experience problems with erectile dysfunction?
A. Ask your mother.
Q. Does Janszoon like the Dirty Sanchez?
A. Yes.
Q. My co-workers keep playing shitty rap and top 40 radio stations at work. What should I do?
A. First, explain the gloriousness of True Metal and try playing a little Napalm Death to show them the error of their ways. If this doesn't work, burn the place to the ground.
Q. My relative/friend/hooker has just passed away. How should I conduct the funeral?
A. There are many suitable ways to honor one's departed loved ones (ritual cannibalism, donation to the Necrophiliac Society of America, spreading their ashes over someone's clean laundry), but the most tried and true method is a viking funeral.
First, you need to construct a viking longship. If you don't know any vikings to build one for you, then find some nuns to hang around. Vikings love nuns. After you have your longship, you now need to gather your loved one's belongings and place them around them. If they have any Slipknot albums, you should burn them
before you put them on the ship. One lesser known, but no less important part of the ceremony is that the deceased's wife must be killed and placed on the ship as will. If the wife won't agree to this, might I suggest putting rat poison into a casserole and giving it to the grieving widow. Now all that's left is to set the longboat adrift on a lake and set it on fire. If you don't have access to a trained archer, then your best bet is a TOW missile launcher. If you don't know how to obtain one, then call me. I know people. Another option is to have a military bomber drop a fuel-air bomb. This will have the added benefit of killing all of your relatives, and anybody who posts on this website's relatives probably smell like feet anyway.
Now if you have any further questions, please hesitate to ask or you might be receiving a package in the mail.