Okay then, it's a new year, we've struggled through the festivities and it's time to return to what is laughingly called normal around here. Dedicated to Blarobarg, who seems to like these entries, here's our first look at
for 2013.
And so I head to
Encyclopaedia Metallum Heavy Metal Bands more in desperate hope than expectation that I won't get yet another screamy, noisy, thrashy metal band of the genus speed, thrash or black. Will the new year start off kindly for me? Who would take that bet?
Calling up the site I head to the "random band" tab and click. This year, I'm going to take an actual screenshot of each selection that comes up, just so you know I'm not making these bands up! Even if the artiste can't be featured due to lack of recorded material, unavailability of their music or zero information on them, and I have to make another choice --- as I have done last year --- I'll still show the screenshot.
With that in mind, here's the first selection for 2013, whether they turn out to be a usable choice or not.
Cyclope Vision (note that "e", it's important!) hail from the mecca of Death Metal, er, Belgium? Well, they're apparently a "melodic death metal" band, and seem to only have been together for a few months, though they've already released one album, entitled "Hammersmith". The cover is funny, with a cyclops swinging an axe and looking all scary and --- nah, he just looks silly. With titles on the album ranging from "Burn the village" to "Killing my friendly enemy", and "Meet Hell before you die", I'm guessing these guys aren't big on love songs or eleven-minute compositions about clouds and rainbows!
And in typical fashion, searches for their music leads me to naught. Nothing on YouTube (no, I bloody
didn't mean "cyclops"! The band are called "Cyclope Vision"! With an
e! Why can't you just accept that, YouTube?!), nothing on any of my favourite online album vendors, and nothing on torrent either. Not a scrap. Of course, given that a) they're from Belgium and b) they only got together last year, that's maybe not so suprising. Perhaps they're big in their home town of, er, Deux-Acren, but nobody out in the real world seems to have heard of them, or have any of their material. So, interesting as it may have been to have listened to what these one-eyed metallers may have had to say, it's a delight I have to pass up, and the search goes on.
Oh good! Just what I wanted! Not satisfied with giving me a "melodic death metal" band from Belgium, the hardcore gods have thrown my way a "
Brutal Death Metal" band! Sigh! These guys come from the good old United Kingdom and go by the jolly name of Invocate. They're actually no longer around, having come together --- and, it seems, broken up --- in 2006, leaving behind just the one album. No, no, I tell a lie! It's a demo. Even better. Never signed, never made an album but even at that, they appear to have one entry on YouTube. Amazing! Someone actually cared enough about them to upload a video, one of the three songs (!) on their demo, which they called "Dweller of the shade".
Well, to be fair, I can't review a band who have only the one track and no backstory, with three songs released in total, so what I'll do here is I'll throw the YouTube and you can hear what they're like. As for me, I'll be passing. Brutal Death Metal? I think I can take a wild stab at what it will sound like, and I'd just as soon bang my head off my bedroom wall if it's all the same to you.
(Oh, it's called "He who sleeps eternally", by the way).
Incidentally, I just noticed on the same page a video by a band called Eviscerated, the song called "Gorging on rotting entrails". Why so many horrible subjects for music in this sub-genre I wonder? All I can say is I hope they never invite themselves around to tea! Must be a riot at MacDonalds: "Whaddya mean, you don't serve rotting entrails? I want to gorge! Do you hear me? GORGE I say! Ah **** it let's go to the Wimpy!"
Endlessly I plod on through this sea of unknown and unrecognised bands, and I'm seriously considering finding a virgin to sacifice to the metal gods, that they may hear my prayer and grant my request. Not even a decent band, O Gods Who Sit On High and Riff Off Mighty Solos! Just one I can bloody review! One I can find some music for, and who aren't more obscure than that speed metal unreleased track George Micheal recorded just before retiring --- what do you mean, urban legend? Listen... Anyway, my quest is doomed as reagrds a sacrifice, for where in this city would I ever find a maid unsullied by hand of man? This leaves me no choice but to heave a mighty sigh and hit the "random" button a third time, while wondering if it's worth trying to buy a gun and end it all? Unlike virgins, weapons are readily available on the streets of Dublin, if you know who to go to. Which I don't. Ah well...
Thank you, O Gods! Thank you for hearing my plaintive prayer. You shower of ****ing smart-arsed wankers! You complete and utter bastards! ANOTHER unsigned band! ANOTHER Death Metal band! And ANOTHER band with one ****ing demo to their name! In the name of Steve Harris! What must I do to placate you! What's that? Kill the one known as "The Batlord", you say? Oh I could never do that! Could I? Really? Fire and vengeance would
not rain down upon me, you say? You
know people, you say? Interesting. Let me get back to you on that one, Ye Who Sit On High and Noodle Incessantly on the Same Three Chords. We shall talk.
In the meantime, strike three! Eternal Agony (nice, huh?) are indeed another death metal band. Well, you wouldn't expect them to be anything else now would you, with a name like that? Well, maybe black metal. But they too have come and gone, seeming to have put out their one and only demo fifteen years ago now, although oddly the EM titles show them as "Formed in n/a" and "Years Active n/a", which makes me wonder how they managed to record the grandiosely-titled "The beginning of a new eternal chapter" in 1998 if they were never together? Anyway, they came from Germany, and their demo contained six tracks, of which the titles speak for themselves. "Eternal **** with mutilated matter ****s in Hell" opens it, and then they go into that well-known family favourite, "Necro cannibalistic insanity", throwing in "The xecrement of Jesus Christ" (that's how it's spelled), while perhaps the most prophetic song title goes to "Kill the hope", which they obviously did, and vanished from sight, never to complete or even start the second eternal chapter. Shame!
There's one video on YT, but although it says Eternal Agony is the band the song is not on the demo, and the logo looks different. Perhaps there are two Eternal Agonies out there? Who knows? Probably enough pain to go round. Still, looking at the cover of "The beginning of a new eternal chapter", I'd have to say these guys were out-and-out black metal. I mean, they have an inverted cross on the sleeve, for ****'s sake!
All right then, this is it. One more attempt. For all I know, this section could become a blind grope through the blackest of black metal, the speediest of speed and the thrashiest of thrash with no actual prize at the end. I could go through unsigned band after unsigned band, stepping over the rotting corpses (see? This black metal is getting to me!) of long-dead acts who thought they'd take over the world, only to discover to their dismay that they were missing one vital element necessary to attain at least a recording contract, if not fame: talent.
If that happens, then so be it. Otherwise I could go through ten different bands here and never come up with one I can actually review. But hey, it's all interesting and educational, and as I said before, if it amuses the staff...
So, once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more, or close the wall up with our metal dead! Forward, quite possibly, to death! Cry God for Trollheart, Ireland and Saint Patrick! Or something.
Okay! Okay! That's it! Whoever the **** is having fun at my expense up there can just cut it out, all right? Death metal bands are bad enough, brutal death metal worse, but now you want me to review a band whose lyrics cover rape, misogyny and killing, and who have the wonderful sub-genre "Grindcore" appended? NO ****ING WAY! You are out of your tree! What do you mean, they have a full album, and isn't this what I've been asking for? Crap! You're right. Well I don't care. I have SOME standards after all!
Look, okay, I'll search for their album (probably won't find it) or anything on YouTube. Will that make you happy? Right then, here I go.
Ladies and gentlemen, say hello to
As expected, nothing on them, but here's what I do know. Formed in Vancouver, Canada in 1999, they released their first, and to date only album, "Like a virgin" (yeah!) in 2001. They're said still to be active, but twelve years without any output is surely pushing it. Although maybe they're busy writing their death metal opera, "Les Miserable Bitches" --- hey, it could be a big hit! Anyway, the album consists of such touching heartfelt ditties as "You will submit", "Kill everything", "Carnage for the elderly" and "There's something about rape", and then quite hilariously ask in the second track "Why do women hate me?" Er...
I have to say, I'm glad I can't find anything to listen to concerning this band. And if you have their album and are thinking of sending it to me to review, then by all means stick it up your arse and while you're at it cut out your own heart with a spoon. I'd rather listen to a whole concert of Jedward --- yeah, I said
Jedward! --- than five minutes of this misogynistic drivel. True, it could all be tongue-in-cheek, but when they finish their album with the wonderfully insightful "She really meant yes", I think it's hard to see how any of this could be in any way seen as funny or even satirical.
Of course, in fairness I've heard nothing of their music (let's give them the benefit of the doubt and assume it is music and not just noise and screaming epiteths) so I could be judging them harshly. But going purely by the cover of the book, it's not one I'd want to read, no matter how desperate I got. Oh yeah, here's the cover of the book, as it were.
Moderator cut: image removed
Original, yes?
So that's my fourth journey into the world of random heavy metal, and I've yet to come across a band I like or even know. If I wasn't already familiar with some --- more mainstream admittedly --- metal I could fall into the trap of thinking this is all it has to offer, which would be a pity as I know there are so many great metal bands out there. Just can't figure out why I keep missing them here.
Oh well, maybe if I do as the Metal Gods demand and kill the Batlord. Now, how do I set up his speakers so that the next time he plays High on Fire they explode and take out the whole block? Much to plan, much to think on. See you next time, if I survive...