ATTENTION WORKERS! STAND BY FOR AN ANNOUNCEMENT FROM MISTER BURNS. DO NOT STOP WORKING DURING THIS ANNOUNCEMENT. ESPECIALLY YOU, UNKNOWN SOLDIER! THAT IS ALL.
Ah-hoy-hoy! Monty Burns here again, but you can call me
Mister Burns! I want to make it clear to each and every one of you, this simply is not good enough! This is an organisation and everyone is expected to play his part.
What? Seriously? Legal action, eh? Oh very well then -- or HER part. For the love of Peter! Anyway, there has been far too much slacking in recent months here and I intend to set this straight! A small handful of people cannot keep a company afloat, so I want to see more effort people! I know for a fact that Trollheart fellow has months of material stacked up, written just waiting to be uploaded, and the only reason he doesn't update every hour is because he's afriad of upsetting the poor mod-er-ators!
Oh boo hoo! You poor "mods", as I believe you wish to call yourselves (though personally I prefer the term "enforcers" --- yes, yes, much better, and more descriptive of your duties) might have to do a little work! For the love of Satan, people! This is not a holiday camp! What do you think I pay you for? What? I don't pay you? Well, good. That mansion on the hill doesn't run itself, you know, and the guards who patrol my grounds and keep the likes of you out don't work for free! I NEED my money. ALL of it. I mean, come ON! WHO can exist on a mere million a week? I'm practically living on the breadline!
So, more effort from you organbanks please, or I'll be going around poking you all with a sharp stick until you come up with the goods. Now, as for your current attempts at doodling in crayon in your so-called journals, in a pathetic attempt to impress your fellow inmates --- members, I mean. Did I say inmates? I meant members. Of course. Members. Not inmates. No. This is not a prison. Not at all. That guard tower and those high walls are there for YOUR protection. Yes. Indeed.
Well, glad we got all that sorted. Now, let's see what you slugabeds have been amusing yourselves with in the past week, shall we...
Ah yes.
The Batlord. Look, there's only one lord of bats around here, and that's me. If you want to contest the title, I suggest a round-the-world balloon race, to start from London's Trafalgar Square and to return here not less than ... what? Money you say? Well, I'm always partial to a bit of bribery, er, persuasion! Very well then, you may keep the title. Oh blast it! Do I have to talk about your hell-damned journal too? Very well then: another episode of --- what's that? I'm not reading that! The lay of what? Surely that's illegal? Harrumph! You know the sort of thing to expect from the Batlord (TM: Approved by BurnsCo Legal, Attorneys-at-Law) by now, so why not just go to
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...t-schemes.html and laugh yourself silly! Ah yes, laughter: I remember that!
Big Ears? Is someone trying to --- oh I see! NOT me. Someone else. All righty then. This particular pencil jockey has his journal here and apparently he's
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...s-journal.html --- aha I get it! Most droll, most droll! In his latest godforsaken attempt at writing he appears to be warning people about some wild animal ... it bites eh? Well, I'd put it to sleep... what? Oh yes, the animal too, I suppose ... oh, how embarrassing! Silly me! It's the name of a band, I see! Just a moment! Isn't this the album being fought over by those geeks at the Prog Rock Album Club? It is? Isn't that against the rules? No? Well, it should be. Waste of time if you ask me ... anyhoo, you can check out that review in his journal, unless you've something better to do, like scrape the mildew off your bathroom tiles...
And we have a new victi --- ah, I mean recruit in the shape of
Kelli, who has begun her journal
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...e-journal.html --- ah, yes: glad to see you're taking this seriously, young lady! Give it time I suppose. She already has reviews of albums by some gang called Foxygen and another called My Blasted Valentine --- oh sorry, My BLOODY Valentine. Charming. Well, always glad to welcome a new soul aboard: I need all the souls I can get! Satan doesn't give up easily you know: how do you think I've lived this long? Ah, yes, er, forget that ... moving swiftly along...
Ki is back with entries in his imaginatively titled
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...er-things.html --- not too much creative brainpower going on there, hmm? He's running a new series called "Flashback", worth reading (it says here) and featuring bands he used to be into and which remind him of his youth. Ah yes! Nobody could rock like Al Jolson, if you ask me!
And another new journal from
Maidahl, with yet another stunning title! People, people! Take a leaf out of that fellow Janszoon's book! Really! At any rate, in his, her or its scrawlpad
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...s-journal.html there are only some scribbled comments for now, but I'm expecting ---
demanding! --- better things, and pretty damn sharpish too.
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ychedelia.html is the journal of the oddly-named
PoorOldPo --- don't believe a word of it! I've seen his bank balance! He could buy and sell most of you. Well, all of you. Except me of course. Anyhoo, he's bleating on about some Spacemen 3, Spiritualised and Sonic Boom. Who are these people? This world today, I don't know, standards....
Coming out of the mists of time is
Roemica, who hasn't updated their journal
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...en-albums.html since 2009, and is now intending on resurrecting it. Hmm. Watch this space. All major credit cards accepted, you know...
Gaah! Even
Trollheart has been slacking off! What? I don't CARE if he has three journals to maintain! Nobody forced him to do that, did they? Well, not in any way that could be proven in a court of law, that is... I suppose you have to give him some kudos, as he's started a new section in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-journal.html called "Jumping on the Bandwagon?" where he looks at actors and the like who have crossed over into the field of music, taking that nice David Soul chap as his first example. Ah, another soul for Satan. What? Didn't say a thing! You must need your hearing checked, my friend... Oh and of course with Saint Patrick's Day only around the corner he has to go all Irish and review an album by Clannad! Heaven forfend! In his other journal, that
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...i-reviews.html thing, he's reviewing albums by RoySeven and those nice Bon Jovi fellows. Excellent!
And finally, on
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-emporium.html (you know, I think he just runs three journals in order to have the most attention devoted to him on this update! Narcissist!
) he's started writing about that splendid Irish show about a jolly gangster gang, "Love/Hate" I believe they call it. Now those are my kind of people!
So on we go to
Unknown Soldier, still
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...y-history.html and now making his way into 1974 with reviews of albums by Deep Purple and ... what? That's IT? I'm shocked! No more cafeteria food for you, sir, until you come up with the goods! Terrible, the things I have to put up with...
Well, that's it then for this week. Remember, we don't carry passengers here --- what? Yes I KNOW I also own Burns Coach Trips International Plc, and that they OBVIOUSLY do carry passengers, Smithers --- what? I TOLD you NOT to mention the DRUGS! You stupid --- ahhhh that's it for now, foodbags. Now just stand here on this spot. No, not that one. Move slightly to the left --- AHA!
What? Smithers! WHO moved the trapdoor AGAIN? I see. Well, I did want the floor retiled, that's true. I just WISH people would put things back the way they were when they finish. Sigh. What? Oh yes, very well --- release the hounds.
Toodles!