1.1 "Happiness is a warm gun"
Alan B'Stard wins a landslide victory at the local election due to his ensuring the other two candidates are unable to campaign, putting them both in hospital when he arranges to have the brake lines of their cars cut and the two crash into each other. However the Chief Constable, Sir Malachy Jericho, knows what he has done and tells him that unless he works for him within Parliament he will expose him. He tells B'Stard he wants a bill passed in the House to allow police to carry firearms, and the young Tory is going to help him get it through. B'Stard's bill passes, despite opposition from Labour, in particular his nemesis, Bob Crippen, and the chief constable is delighted. Not only that, but being successful in getting such a major bill passed when only a few months in his seat raises B'Stard's profile, and he is now a rising star of the Right.
Meanwhile Sarah, his wife, is having a lesbian affair with his
PR agent, Beatrice Protheroe. Alan doesn't know about it but probably wouldn't care as he hates his wife anyway, and he soon has other things to worry about, as the local bishop, who also sits in the House of Lords, preaches against his bill, saying he will vote against it and will try to convince his fellow Lords to do likewise. Despite this, Alan's bill does pass and his accountant, Norman Bormann, shows him some cheap revolvers he has secured a contract for, at a tenner a go! When B'Stard remarks that they feel a little light (not to mention that they're cheap!) Norman admits they're actually made from recycled frying pans, and will most likely blow up in the face of anyone who tries to use them. B'Stard says that's ok: they're for deterring, not firing!
Norman then demands money from B'Stard before he will reveal the name of the supplier; he wants to assume a new identity by having a sex-change, and intends B'Stard to finance it. B'Stard goes to visit his old friend Sidney Bliss, an ex-hangman who constantly moans that the world is a worse place since they abolished "the rope". It's his pub, "The Hangman's Knot Inn", that Sir Malachy frequents, and here B'Stard meets with the Chief Constable .... and his friend. It seems Sir Malachy believes that God is sitting beside him, and has indeed ordered him a pint of bitter. When the chief refuses to hand over the dossier he is holding over B'Stard, proving his complicity in the hospitalisation of his two rivals, saying that B'Stard can still be useful to him in Parliament, the Tory convinces him that the Bishop of Haltemprice is in fact the Antichrist, and Sir Malachy hands over the file to B'Stard, then sets off to confront the bishop. Meanwhile, Alan makes a call to the station...
When the chief constable pulls his gun on the bishop he is quickly arrested thanks to B'Stard's "tip off", and now he has the previously deputy chief constable in his pocket. On his recommendation, the police force places their order for pistols with him, so that when he is pursued by a squad car for speeding, the gun blows up in the cop's hand and B'Stard escapes, grinning all the way to the bank.
Quotes
In a show as sharply satirical and comedic as this, there are bound to be some choice quotes. Though of course I won't be noting them all, here are some of the better ones in this episode.
SDP Candidate: "Vote SDP. Vote for me because ---" (To aide) "why should they vote for me?"
Aide: "Because you're
decisive!"
SDP Candidate: "Oh right! Vote for me because I'm more decisive!" (To aide) "Should I turn left or right at the bottom of the hill?"
Meanwhile, the candidate for Labour, coming up the hill and around the corner from the SDP campaign car has a simpler message: "Vote Labour. Vote Labour. Oh please!"
As B'Stard awaits the expected announcement of his victory, the returning officer reads the ballots:
"Aslon, William Richard" (voiceover)
Labour, Intensive Care --- 3,237
"Roper, Martin Cyril" (voiceover)
SDP, Critical --- 1,265
"Sutch, Screaming Lord" (Voiceover)
Monster Raving Loony --- 5,019
"B'Stard, Alan Beresford" (Voiceover)
Conservative --- 31,756. And I therefore declare that Alan Beresford B'Stard is returned as Member of Parliament for the constituency of Haltemprice."
B'Stard goes to take up his new position in the House but is stopped by a security guard.
Guard: "I'm sorry Sir, members only."
B'Stard: "I
am a member! I've got the largest majority in the House!"
Guard: "Name?"
B'Stard: "B'Stard!"
Guard (shaking head and walking away): "Only doing my job, Sir..."
Sir Malachy takes out a Smith and Wesson from his bag, says "What do you think of this?"
B'Stard says "Very pretty" but the chief constable frowns. "Wasn't talking to you!" and turns to the empty seat to his left, where he believes God is sitting....
B'Stard tells Sir Malachy that the Bishop is the Antichrist: "Don't you remember his sermon? I respect atheists, and idolators, and, um, cannibals, he said. And he opposed the Gun Law, which we all know was God's will. And, last Christmas, while you were away on ... pilgrimage duty ... he preached that not only was Mary not a virgin, but technically, a surrogate mother."
Sir Malachy: "He never did!"
B'Stard: "Cross my heart. In fact, not only is the Bishop of Haltemprice almost certainly an unbeliever, I suspect he is the secret leader of all who oppose the will of God."
Sir Malachy: "You don't mean..."
B'Stard: "The Antichrist!"
Deputy Chief Constable Ginsberg: "He (Sir Malachy) should never have passed his probationary period. He was hearing voices ten years before the introduction of personal radios!"
Cop 1: "Blimey! What's it say on the radar?"
Cop 2: "Made in Taiwan."
MACHINATIONS
Of course there will be many of these down through the four seasons, some small, some much larger, many impacting not only on the country but on Europe, possibly the world. B'Stard is never averse to using people, and many of his plans come from this very practice. Here I'll be looking at some of his dastardly --- and some not so dastardly, but still cunning and sharp --- plots.
Sir Stephen's Speech
Unable to get the creative juices flowing while he's trying to write his own speech, B'Stard listens in boredom to Sir Stephen's notes, which run thus: "For a century and a half, the British bobby has patrolled his beat on his trusty bicycle, armed only with his truncheon, his whistle, and his considerable courage." When Alan snaps "Old hat!" at him, he considers, says "Oh, do you really think so? Very well then: his truncheon, his whistle, and his old hat."
Though B'Stard jeers the speech he decides in the end to steal it, and uses it in the House (inclusive of the old hat line) so that when Sir Stephen --- who is not present when B'Stard makes his speech, having been looking for his notes, and only comes in later --- reads his out, he is booed and laughed at, everyone thinking he has stolen the younger MP's speech.
SIDEKICK
If B'Stard is the harsh, cruel, greedy and uncaring face of Thatcherism, Piers Fletcher Dervish is the opposite. Kind, courteous and gentle, he's the perfect foil for Alan and is constantly bossed about, used and abused by the man. In this section I'll be examining the relationship between the two, and how it develops over the course of the series.
The first indication we have of how little B'Stard thinks of Piers is when we first meet him, and Alan is reading him his speech which will preface his attempt to pass a law through the House of Commons authorising the police to carry weapons. When Piers tells him the speech is "Awfully good", he smiles, "You like it? Must be rubbish then!" and promptly trashes it. Then when he's spoken to his wife on the phone, making lovey cooey noises at her, he slams it down and claps his hands together. "Right! I'm off to Stringfellows to commit adultery!" he announces. Piers, excited, asks "Can I come Alan?" to which Alan with a withering look at him sneers "I have no idea, Piers!"
WHAT IS LOVE?
In this section I'll be taking a look at not only B'Stard's relationship with his wife, but any others he has with other women (not one-night stands or flings, but the odd one that might actually mean something to him) as well as how other characters in the series see and deal with love and relationships.
SARAH
Obviously front and centre in B'Stard's life is his wife Sarah. It becomes clear from the first episode that the only reason he married her is that she has a lineage traceable back to royalty, and that her father controls the local Conservative party, and has the power to oust Alan from his seat if he should so desire. Her affair with Beatrice Protheroe, and her many other dalliances and sexual adventures as the series unfolds, show the level of trust and admiration and respect she has for her husband, less than a dried-up river. However she does realise that at times she needs to be seen "by her husband's side", as when he wins election, and she knows how to play the dutiful wife in public, when it suits her or their shared ambition.
THE USER AND THE USED
Apart from Piers, there are a myriad other people Alan uses to achieve his ends, including as above his wife, but in this section I'll be mostly concentrating on people other than those two. Whether it's an agent, typist, driver, political colleague or even a cabinet minister, B'Stard will manipulate, blackmail, threaten, blacken the name of and terrorise anyone to get what he wants.
NORMAN/NORMA BORMANN
B'Stard's accountant and financial adviser for the first season, Bormann is another facet of Alan, prepared to lie, cheat and steal to make himself rich. The authorities have caught up with him though and when B'Stard goes to meet him he is using an old disused railway carriage in the middle of nowhere as his office. Alan's contempt for the man is evident when Norman starts telling him his problems and Alan responds with "Does it affect me? No? Then it's not important, is it?" When he hands over two grand to him and asks what it's for, Norman tells him he's decided to kill himself. Reaching to take his money back, B'Stard smiles "You don't need two grand for that! Jump off something!"
SIR MALACHY
Although only in this episode, B'Stard turns the tables on the chief constable. At first, Sir Malachy has him bang to rights, and with his intelligence on how B'Stard orchestrated the crash of the cars of his two rivals before the election, he is able to blackmail B'Stard into getting his gun law passed. When he refuses to hand over the dossier, however, and Alan sees he is going to end up being used by the man to further his insane neo-Christian agenda --- "What about a bill to criminalise atheism?" --- he takes steps, using the copper's own fanaticism and borderline lunacy to trick him into attacking the Bishop of Haltemprice, thus getting him arrested and removed, no longer a threat.
As a side-result of that, although it's not confirmed it is possible that the bishop may have been so shaken by the events that he might retire and so remove any further impediment to future bills Alan wants to pass through. At the very least, it's a cruel and sadistic way to punish the man who was on the verge of thwarting the passing of his gun law. You don't mess with B'Stard...
DEPUTY (soon to be CHIEF) CONSTABLE GINSBERG
As the one who alerted the police to Sir Malachy's intentions, as well as pointing out to him that as Deputy to Sir Malachy he now stands to take over the senior position, B'Stard is asked by Ginsberg if there is anything he can do for him, and uses him to arrange the order of the defective guns. He couldn't care less that they'll most likely kill someone if fired: he's all about the profits.
PCRs
Oh yeah, they're here too. Well, what would you expect in a political satire? In case for some reason you haven't been reading my "Supernatural" writeups, PCR stands for Pop Culture References, and where they're used here I'll explain them.
"An Archer" --- When asked how much money he wants from Alan to pay for his sex-change operation, Norman replies "An Archer!" B'Stard, shocked, retorts with "A whole Jeffrey! But that's two thousand pounds!"
This refers to politician and writer Jeffrey Archer paying a call girl two grand to leave the country, leading to his resignation from the Tory Party in 1986.
"Dennis Waterman" --- As the speed cops watch B'Stard fly by in his Bentley, one asks the other "Who's that? Dennis Waterman?"
Famous as a hardcase actor in cop show "The Sweeney" and in the show "Minder".
"Hill Street Blues" --- B'stard quotes the second Duty Sergeant's not-so-immortal-as-the-original line, "Let's do it to them before they do it to us"
From the popular 80s cop show of the same name of course.