The Batlord

The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part VII a.

Dawn came bright and early the next morning. The dawn of war. Unfortunately it was also the dawn of our hangovers. So we took the traditional Viking hangover cure. Fermented ox semen. It's not gay if it's fermented. Soon enough the army was mustered and mounted on their horses. The Army of True Metal was truly glorious to behold. Their spears and swords shone like fire in the sun. Their faces were grim and determined and filled with a longing to spill poseur blood. Their shields were emblazoned with the logos of the bands dear to their hearts. There was Exodus and Immortal and Obituary and Angra and Candlemass and Hellhammer and Godflesh and even one dude with David Bowie on his shield. Okay I guess. My shield of course bore the name of Morbid Angel. I was mounted atop Grani, Gram was at my side, and the king, Johan Hegg, was beside me. Bitchin'. Everyone knew their role, everyone knew the stakes, and everyone knew that they were riding to their deaths, so Johan made no speeches. He merely gave the order to ride and the company set out to their fate.

The army rode at an easy yet brisk pace, and it wasn't long before the usual heated debates that happen whenever True Metalheads gather together began. One man declared, "Dude, everyone knows that Black Sabbath's first album is their best. It's just got this crazy, dark atmosphere that none of their other albums have." But a second man retorted, "Fuck that shit! The first half of that album rules, but the rest of it fucking blows. Paranoid is where it's at. It's easily their most solid album." The first man snorted in derision, "Are you fucking kidding me? The second half of the debut might not be all that great, but the first half is so brilliant that it makes up for it. Just four songs of sheer perfection that are better than anything else they ever did." Then a third man chimed in, "Yeah, man. Besides, Paranoid might be solid throughout, but "Paranoid" and "Planet Caravan" shouldn't be right after "War Pigs". It just kills the whole ultra-heavy vibe and you have to wait until "Iron Man" for the album to really get going. Master of Reality is their best album. Great all the way through and it basically invented stoner metal." The second man rolled his eyes and said, "Whatever, dude. "After Forever" and "Lord of This World" aren't all that great and the whiny, Christian bullshit lyrics are fucking annoying. Then you've got two instrumentals, so you've only got like four songs that really kick ass." Now a fourth man interjected, "I think Sabotage is underrated," to which all three of the others responded, "SHUT THE FUCK UP!!!" They would have drawn swords right there and then, but just then a scout came over the ridge in front of the army and galloped down to the king. "My lord! A poseur raiding party has attacked the town over the hill!" Enraged, Johan ordered the army to a full gallop. When we came to the crest of the hill we gazed down upon a town in ruins.

When we entered the town we saw that it had been almost entirely burned to the ground. Burned and blackened corpses lay strewn all about. It was obvious that the men had bravely mounted a hopeless defense and had been cut down to a man. The women had then been violated and slaughtered. Even the children had been shown no mercy. There was not a single thing left alive or unspoiled in the entire town. But the worst was yet to come. When we came to the center of town there was a ring of at least fifty mutilated bodies impaled upon stakes. Vultures and crows had descended on the murdured villagers and were feasting. The stench of decay was overpowering. In the middle of the hideous ring was a great pile of True Metal albums that had been burned. Johan turned to me, "These poseurs have no honor. How can we withstand such reckless hate?" I turned to him with resolve and barely suppressed rage and said, "By killing every single one of these poseur fucks! These pussies might be good at killing women and children, but an army with True Metal on its side will fuck their shit up." He nodded and said, "Fucking right! After we bury these people we're gonna go collect some poseur heads and have us a skullfuck!"

__________________