Ah-hoy hoy! (COUGH!) Still feeling a mite under the weather after last week's, ah, unfortunate incident with my ex-doctor, whose bills will NOT be getting paid, so I've been advised to take it easy for a few weeks. A hard thing to do, for a young go-getter like me, but I must bow to the wisdom of those who are somehow against all odds keeping me alive, so I'm drafting in a replacement to review your journals this week. Smithers? Ah no, my friends. Smithers has ... ah, other duties. Hmm. So you DO go mad if subjected to nonstop Hannah Montana for a week, eh? Excellent! All worthy and noble research. Now then, let's just fill out some details on the old com-pu-tat-or, shall we and see...
DAMN AND BLAST IT MAN! I can't figure this confounded thing! It won't even switch on! Pathetic! What? Plugged in? Why of course it's plugged in you --- ah. Very good, Smithers. Hmm. That plug's a little heavy, would you...? Excellent. Now, let's fire this thing up and see --- password? Smithers? Alright then, spell it if you must. I, yes, L-O-V-E-M-R-B-U ... er, never mind: I think I can guess the rest. Huzzah! Success! What the blue blazes---?
SMITHERS! I TOLD you to get RID of that screensaver! Anyway, I'm much more handsome than that. Yes, at your earliest opportunity, if you would. Thank you. Now, let's pull up the employee files and see who would be best for a job like this. So many files! Better thin them out a little. Let's see, some parameters, yes. Alright, we don't want anyone upstaging us and taking our job now do we? So how's this?
Lazy. Stupid. Fat. Useless.
That should trim down the 600 files here a little --- WHAT? SIX HUNDRED RESULTS? BAH! Better add a few more requirements. Let's see: ugly. Incompetent. Malleable. Uninformed. Ah yes, that should sort out the --- DAMN AND BLAST IT! SIX HUNDRED RESULTS!!!
Oh to hell with it: Smithers! Get Homer Simpson in here!
Now, Simspson is it? Ah, we meet at last. Now, you know what to do. Just read through their paltry scribblings and --- ARE YOU SNORING! JAB! WAKE UP MAN! That's better. Now, pay attention. Read their articles, report back on how terrible they are, and there'll be a whole box of donuts waiting for you when you --- where did he go? Bless me, I have never seen that foodbag move so quickly before! He's a virtual blur!
Right then Smithers, let's leave him to it. Time for you to change my colostomy bag. Yes, that could be unpleasant for all concerned. I may need most of your skin too...
ZZZZZZZZZZ --- WHAAA? Oh, it's NOT a dream! D'oh! WHY did Mister Burns pick me for this job? He knows I hate working: that's why I work for him. Hey, maybe I can sneak a little nap here before I --- NO, nothing Mister Burns! Working away Sir! You got it! I'm on the case!
Oh, I wish I was at home with a big bag of potato chips! Mmmmmm... potato chips. Drool! Oops, better not get any of my slobber over Mister Burns's brand new comput --- oh oh! Why is it making that sparking noise? Ohhhhh crappp! Look, maybe if I just dab it off a little ---- CRASH! Oh why does everything bad happen to me! It's fallen off the table! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever in history! I'm missing my bowling night for this! Mmmmm... bowls....
OK Homer! Snap out of it! This is it! Mister Burns and all these losers -- sorry, writers (heh heh! Losers!) out there are relying on you to write this review, so let's go! But I've broken the computer! How will I --- wait a minute: what's that over on the other desk? That, er, much older looking computer, with something showing on the screen --- what the hell does that say --- Mu-zik ban-tur ---- Muzik Bantur? What the hell is a --- oh. So THIS is the computer I was supposed to use. But if that's so, then what was on the one I broke ---? Plans to de-stable-eyes the world econ...? Huh?
AH I'LL TAKE THAT SIMPSON! NOTHING FOR YOU TO WORRY ABOUT! HAVE YOU WRITTEN YOUR ARTICLE YET? NO, WELL, CHOP CHOP! TIME IS WASTING! Smithers, take this OUT! WHY was it left here where anyone could ...? Yes, you'd better hope you CAN get it fixed, or you can explain to President Amindej -- AMandai --- Amindin --- that Iranian guy why he won't be getting those nuclear centrifuges! Now come on: out of here, quickly! ON YOU GO SIMPSON, NOTHING TO SEE HERE. NOTHING, you understand me my friend? Excellent. Toodles then!
Oh this is so BORING! Hey, maybe there's a Rubik cube around here somewhere. Oops, better not: Mister Burns will be back soon and I need to have this done. Alright brain: you don't like me and I don't like you, so let's just get through this and I can get back to killing you with beer, deal?
Now, how do I start this thing? Oh yeah....
Right then let's see, Mister Burns left some notes. "Do reviews alfa-bet-ic-ly"? What the hell does that mean? Ah to hell with it: I'll just do them from A to Z in order. Now let's see... A ... Hmmm. No, not seeing any As! Woo-hoo! One less I have to do! Now, what's next? What comes after A? Hmm. A-B-C... but what comes after A? Oh wait! I'm such an idiot! Of course! All I have to do is ring Lisa! She'll know! She's clever. Hello, Lisa? It's your dad. I need to ask you a question. What? Why's the baby crying? What? I can't hear you! The mailman's what? A final demand for who? Mom is where? Bart did what? Look, the line must be really bad, I can hardly hear you. No, I'm calling from work. Yeah. I need to ask you a question. What was that noise? What? Never mind. What comes after A?
What? No, AFTER A! In the alpha-thingummy, you know, that thing Bart had trouble with in school. No, not Nelson! Nelson doesn't begin with an A! Hello? Lisa? What comes after A? Bee? Oh no I don't like them: they defend themselves somehow! Hello? Hello? Lisa? Hello? Dial tone?
Shoot! She must have got cut off. I'll have to ring back... wait a minute though. A, B! B! B is next! Hah! I figured it out myself, with no help from Lisa! Thanks a lot, poindexter! OO look at me, I'm Lisa! I play a saxamaphone and I've got a brain bigger than --- er, bigger than --- um --- Lard Lad! Yeah! Pfft! Great help you were! So B is next eh? Well, let's see if there's a B. Woo-hoo! D'oh! There is! Oh well, better look at it I guess...
Some loser called
the Batlord who apparently lives in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...t-schemes.html, yeah yeah, talking about some fruity sword and sorcery, harry-pottery quest. Sheesh! Don't these guys have lives? Oh wait, he has another of these jounal things, at
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...lks-about.html --- boy, this guy needs a job! Anyhoo, he's talking about DNA, Mars (mmm... Mars....) Tin Huey and a bunch of other crap I couldn't care less about, but if you're as bored as him go to his journal and knock yourselves out.
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ming-moon.html eh? I've done that on occasion, usually after being thrown out of Moe's. But this guy, they call him
Big3, hmm, he's talking about French and German and languages and pop punk and someone he wants to burn down... nah, it's all beyond me. Check it out if you wanna.
Okay, that's B then. What comes after B? Better ring Lisa again. Oh, no, wait: I remember dad talking about this in one of those rambles he goes off on. Edison on the radio, reading the alphabet he said. "A" he'd say, then "B". C would usually follow..." Woo-hoo! I did it! C is next! Let's see, C, C... D'oh! No Cs! How am I supposed to get through this awful, awful OH SURE MR BURNS, I'M RIGHT ON IT! Man, I wish I was in Barney's Bowlarama. The lanes there...
Ok, ok! Let's get this done! The H Man is in the house! Yeah, I don't know what it means either: my brain sometimes throws up these odd ideas, like that time it said I should wear a seatbelt! I mean, what am I, a DORK? SO, no Cs. What IS there then in this nerdhouse? How about ... hmm, what's next? D is for Donuts. Mmmm... donuts. D, yes. Hey! Wait just a moment! I've had a great idea! Just finish this and ... heh heh! The perfect crime! OH MISTER BURNS! I'M READY!
Let's see then Simpson: great job I --- WHAT? This so-called review just says "Dese jurnalz r all terribul" and --- oh, wait a moment: I see you've written much more at the --- WHAT? You idiot! You've just written "screw Flanders" 200 times! What is this supposed to be? Get back to work immediately, before I cut off your donuts! What? No, I don't mean I'll stop your supply of sugar coated treats, you nincompoop! I mean --- ah, that is to say YES, I WILL stop your donut supply! Hah! That's scared you, hasn't it? Now back to work, post haste!
Stupid Mister Burns, threatening to stop my donut supply ... grumble grumble ... take revenge on everyone soon ... mutter mutter ... make them all sorry.... Oh well, guess there's no avoiding it. So where was I? Oh yeah, D.
Woo-hoo! D is there! So, some nerdlinger called
thedon89 has decided to start a journal here, don't ask me why. What do I look like, a nerd? Anyhoo, his journal starts here under the exciting title of
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...ife-music.html --- yawwn! I need a nap! Oh no! There's more!
Some guy called
Goofle11 (heh heh! Goof!) is doing
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...lbum-week.html and looks like this week he's doing Justin Timberlake's new album. Boo! How about some real music, like Grand Funk or the Alan Parsons Project? Whaddya mean, oldies??
In
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...er-things.html (no, not mine! I don't have one: I have a life! It belongs to some loser called
Ki) there'a s review of some band called Bozo Black. Heh. Sorry, I mean BONZO Black. Meh, same difference.
Another guy called
Salami (shee, all this talk about food is making me hungry. There anything to eat in this place? Urgh! Prunes? Meh, why not?) hasn't been writing in his journal for a long time (like anyone cares, dude!) but has a note about some gig he went to by some guy called Robert Cray. Right on.
Man, this guy
Trollheart's all over the map! What a total loser! He has THREE journals! Bet I can picture him now, skinny pale little nerd with glasses, crouched over his computer with piles of records on one side and a plate of white rye bread (ugh) on the other, scribbling down his thoughts as if anyone gave a crap. Oh well, in
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...d-journal.html he's got "What's in a name"? (don't ask me, I don't work here!), "Nice song -- shame about the album" (heh: should be "nice article, shame about the journal!") and a review of Al Stewart's "Time passages" --- finally, some decent seventies music! Oh yeah, and something called "The Meat Grinder" --- they're all in on it: trying to distract me with food! Mmmmm... meat.... Oh yeah, he seems to think a lot of some guy called Rory Gallagher too; startin' a whole section on him. Man, this guy is a loser!
He also runs
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...-emporium.html --- I love potatoes, specially potato chips! In this he's got another rambling entry about Babylon 5, whatever that is. Not happy with all that, he's also updating
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...i-reviews.html with an album by the Divine Comedy. Yeah? Well, I ain't laughin' pal!
Man, I'm tired after that! Maybe I'll just have a little ---- OH HELLO MISTER BURNS! NO, JUST RESTING MY EYES. Shoot. Who's left then?
Unknown Soldier eh? Heh. He'll remain unknown, in this dump! His journal is called
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...y-history.html and --- hmm, he's a fan of seventies hard rock. I could grow to like this guy. If he wasn't such a dork that is! Let's see what he's talkin about. Bachman-Turner Overdrive. Nazareth. Not bad, not bad.
This last guy sounds like Mr Burns' cousin!
Urban Hatemonger? Well, his journal has, um, an interesting David Bowie picture. Yeah. Check here
http://www.musicbanter.com/members-j...nal-stuff.html. Or don't. I'm through with this; I'm off to Moe's! Just rest my eyes for a moment....
Ah, excellent, Simpson! All finished eh? WHAT! Smithers! Wake him up! How dare you fall asleep on the job man! I ought to club you and eat your bones, but I'm already in enough trouble with the Ogre Anti-defamation League as it is. I could crush you like an ant, but I'll just bide my time, let you twist in the wind, slowly, slowly, until.... SMITHERS! Wake him up! Now listen to me Simpson, you saw nothing on that other computer, you understand? In fact, there was no other computer. I don't even know who you are! Seriously Smithers: this is getting worrying! I DON'T know who he is. Simpson,eh? We meet at last. Excellent. A fine job you're doing. Now get out of here before I release the hounds!
That goes for the rest of you too! Everybody, off my property! I have an important phone call to make. Smithers, what's the dialling code for Tehran? Well, find OUT man! For the love of Peter! Do I have to do everything around here myself! Hello? NSA? CIA? FBI? You want to talk to the owner about supplying terrorist what? Aid and comfort? Me? No, no, I'm not the owner. I --- ah, I just come in occasionally to read the free newspapers. The owner? Ah (Smithers! Quickly! I need a patsy!) SIMPSON! OH SIMPSON! Blast it man, go stop him before he leaves... What do you mean, he ran into the restrooms? And who the sam hill ate all my prunes? Ah... Hello? Yes I'm still here. Er, no hablo inglese, senor. Hotdog, hotdog, I love New York, God Bless America ... SMITH-ERS!!!!!