The Lay of Sigurd: Remixed Part IX a.
The fortress was about to be overrun. The Light of True Metal was about to be dimmed. Everything that we had fought and died for was about to come to naught when a great horn sounded and an army appeared on the hill that towered over the walls of Wacken. At its head, proud and magnificent, was
Joey DeMaio of Manowar. Behind him, rank upon glorious rank, was assembled an army of all of the great captains of True Metal with armor that reflected only the Light of True Metal. There were
Bruce Dickinson of Iron Maiden and
Rob Halford of Judas Priest side by side. With the stoic visage of a great king of men was
Tony Iommi of Black Sabbath. With barely restrained wrath sat
Kerry King of Slayer on his horse, impatient to take poseur heads.
George "Corpsegrinder" Fisher of Cannibal Corpse laughed with
Gary Holt of Exodus boasting that he would kill two poseurs for every one that the other slayed. Terrible to behold, with armor as black as night, was
King Diamond of Mercyful Fate. Beside Joey DeMaio and proudly holding aloft the army's banner, an eagle behind a pentagram, was
Oscar Dronjak of Hammerfall. Ten thousand of the greatest Defenders of the Faith the world has ever known were gathered together, the Army of the Immortals, and ready to make war upon the poseur menace in the name of True Metal. The enemy was struck dumb with disbelief and horror at this sight, for the Light of True Metal fell so brightly on these Metal Gods that they shone like the sun. Joey DeMaio raised his sword into the air and declared, "Death to poseurs! Death to false metal! Glory to the brave!" Behind him the Army of the Immortals beat their spears against their shields and echoed his cry, and we, rejoicing at this miracle joined them, "DEATH TO POSEURS! DEATH TO FALSE METAL! GLORY TO THE BRAVE!"
Joey then called out, "For True Metal, charge!" and the army surged forward down the steep slope of the hill like the thrust of a great spear. The thunder of their horses' hooves made the ground tremble. They descended on the poseurs assaulting the walls with the force of a hammer. Outflanked and caught unprepared the enemy could only be cut down and trampled. Their victory had become a rout. Some tried to retreat into the fortress in their panic, but there they found no shelter. Now recovered and remounted we ran them down and slaughtered any poseurs that stood in our way as we cut our way past the gate. The poseurs of their army's vanguard now found themselves caught between the Army of True Metal and the Army of the Immortals. Between the Hammer and the Anvil. They tried to mount a counterattack to rejoin with the rest of their army, but they were outnumbered and surrounded. For poseurs they fought valiantly, but they were soon cut down to the last man. With that we joined with the Army of the Immortals and I greeted my old friend Joey, "Dude, f
uckin' hell yeah with the assist! You came just in time. We were about to kill all the poseurs ourselves and leave you with jack s
hit!" He laughed as he quipped, "You f
ucking dumbass! Why do I always have to bail you out when you're about to get your ass kicked? Do I have to show you which end of your sword to stick into the poseurs?" I woulda flipped him off, but I figured that would be ungracious given the circumstances. Then Johan rode up and hailed Joey, "Dude, kickass timing! I'd love to sit here and play grabass with you ladies, but I think we've got some poseurs to f
uck up!" Throwing up the horns I said, "F
uck yeah! It's not everyday you get to kill fifty thousand poseurs," and Joey turned to me, "Dude, really? You need to get out more." We then broke up and readied to renew our attack.