My Thoughts On Goatpenis
Once upon a time in the late eighties there was a black/death metal band called Blasphemy. Aside from kicking some serious ass, Blasphemy started the sub-genre of war metal. Out of this movement came a band called Goatpenis. Just thinking about Goatpenis makes me happy. They are bar none one of my all time favorite bands. Is their music just that stupendously awesome? I have no idea because I have never listened to them. I love them because their name is Goatpenis. I know that may seem shallow and stupid, but hear me out. Lower your voice a little bit, but not so much that it sounds like you're doing a Rammstein impression. Then say "Goatpenis". Really give the "P" and the "G" some emphasis, and say the name quickly, but don't rush it. It's not about the speed, it's about the rhythm. If you've done it right then you will see that Goatpenis is the greatest name in all of metal. It's vulgar, blasphemous, and so moronic and cliched that it is somehow brilliant. It gives me the image of the perfectly realized archetype of an extreme metal band. You know like when in a show they want to show you that a teenager is mopey and rebellious so they make him listen to some ludicrously stereotypical band with a ridiculous name and that plays really dumb, angry music that no band in history has ever played? Goatpenis would beat the s
hit out of that band. Unfortunately there is no possible way that Goatpenis' music can ever live up to this image, so listening to them would only ruin their mystique. This is why I have never listened to them and have no intention of ever doing so. My greatest wish is that I might one day buy a Goatpenis album and never listen to it. God I love Goatpenis.