SATCHMO

I think that I'm as normal as they come. In my paradigm of reality my worldview and my idiosyncrasies seem perfectly normal. However, I feel like the world at large views me as particularly strange. I don't have a lot of conversations about music with people in real life, because those conversations tend to be limited to what mainstream media spoon feeds people, and my obsession with music goes far beyond that. Finding common ground with people about other things is difficult for me as well. when I explain to people that I'm not aware of their favorite television show because I don't own a television they're flabbergasted. A lot of the time their immediate reaction is to assume that I'm underprivileged, or somehow living in destitute, because that would be the only viable reason why someone would have to live in such a deprived state. When asked what I do for fun I tell them I listen to music, which of course brings about the question, "well, what do you do while you listen to music?", to which I naturally, to me at least, reply, "Listen." This blows people's minds. Then I tell them how much I paid for my headphones, or how many pairs I actually own, and try to explain to them that for me, listening to an album from start to finish is the equivalent of them watching an hours worth of TV and they still don't get it.

For several years before I joined the forum I worked in the professional music industry in various capacities and that served as a great outlet for my obsession, but when I got out of that line of work this community became quite a godsend in my life. It allowed me to communicate, to develop relationships in a community where my predilections were not deemed so strange. Some of the best and deepest relationships I've ever had have been with members of this forum. Because of the nature of what this community represented, it was a place where I felt safe to be myself and I don't think I can overstate how great that felt.

I had a serious, relationship with someone from this site for about four years, one that started as deep friendship while I was going through a terrible separation/divorce and eventually became much greater than that. I can honestly tell you, two years after the fact, that I was more in love than I had ever been in my life. It was a trying, but amazing experience while it lasted, but it eventually ended quite badly with me coming to find out that this person had lied to me, and everyone else on the forum about their identity and it had a hugely devastating effect on my heart, my mind, and my soul. MB literally became a ghost of a past that only sort of really existed. In many ways it hurt to be here, because it only served as a reminder of something that once was, but never actually existed. It was difficult for me to wrap my head around that paradox. It's taken some time, but MB has once again become a comfortable place for me to be. I eventually came out to the moderators about her true identity, as well as some forum members who had known about the relationship for quite some time, in a way that really didn't not reveal exactly how hard the experience was for me to deal with. It was gossip. I had dirt, so I cashed in that card. I expected shock and some incredulity among the people I told, but the one thing I never expected is reflected in the screenshot that Hermione posted in one of her responses to Vanilla in this thread.

During the time that I didn't know that this person was lying to me about their identity I used to get phone calls from her with her in tears, because she couldn't understand why Vanilla had such a vendetta against her. To be truthful I never quite understood it either. Yeah, I think there's some degree of catty bull**** that's to be expected here sometimes when strong personalities clash on a forum such as this, but this went beyond that. It was also before Vanilla was a mod, so there's a little more leeway that's given as far as members issuing personal attacks, especially when they're long-standing members. However, mods are supposed to be a little bit more objective and we usually try to be objective even when it comes to dealing with stuff that we take personally, or interacting with people that we don't personally care for.

It really blew my mind that shortly after I dropped the news about this members true identity, Vanilla went to her profile page and posted the visitor comment that Hermione posted as a screenshot further up in this thread. When I saw it I was sickened by it. If there was anyone on this forum who had a right to be that angry with her it was me and I could never justify even in my deepest anger doing something like that. As a mod, that's exactly the type of behavior that we're supposed to refrain from. Direct personal attack are actionable offenses on the forums, but this was an attack on someone's profile page by a moderator. To tell you the truth if a non-mod had done something like that and it had been brought to the moderators attention, it would have been at the very least a cause for infraction, or possibly something more severe. But this is not an isolated incident. It's just the only incident that effected me semi-directly. I've seen evidence where this has happened with other female members being the brunt of Vanilla's "attacks". If she was a normal forum member you might be able to brush it off saying that it was just girls being girls, but that's not the case. So the question I have is, are mods held to a higher standard of behavior than everyone else, or does our position entitle us to be free from judgement?

There have been situations in the past where I've acted heavy-handedly with other members and have been criticized for it, mostly in regards to issuing disciplinary action, but that was just me trying to circumvent the bureaucracy and do what needed to be done without engaging in the obligatory and endless round table discussion about what to do about [insert member name here]. I don't know if this particular thread was the right place for Hermione to bring these issues to the attention of the forum, but I do see the relevance of it and I agree with her. Yes, she is my friend, a pretty legit one at that, but I think it's something that needed to be brought to light. I've asked to be de-modded several times to no avail. At the very least I can stand up for what I believe is right and be okay with whatever anyone thinks of it.