Season 1: "Three million years from Earth..."
1.6 "Me2"
(As mentioned, this episode title is written like the mathematical sign for Me squared, though I suppose at a stretch it could also be called "Me too"... also as mentioned in the previous episode, this follows on directly from "Confidence and Paranoia", picking up at the very scene that one ended, and as such is the first two-parter, though the episodes are named separately. It's also the season finale.)
Holly's joke: We have enough food to last thirty thousand years but we've only got one "After Eight" mint left. And everyone's too polite to take it.
With the arrival of the second hologram of Rimmer (see previous episode, Confidence and Paranoia), Lister and Rimmer are preparing for the parting of the ways. Rimmer is going to move in with the duplicate him, next door, while Lister will remain in the cabin they have shared since he emerged out of stasis to find that he was the last human being alive. While sorting through their things and deciding what belongs to who, Lister comes across a video, which Rimmer tells him is a record of his death, which he had had Holly make for him. Lister shakes his head...
Lister helps Rimmer move out (the sooner the better, as far as he is concerned!), and then retires to their, now his, cabin, where he promptly proceeds to do all the things that used to get on Rimmer's nerves: he cracks his knuckles, he grinds his teeth, he leaves the top off the shampoo and squeezes the toothpaste tube from the middle. Then he finds Rimmer's death video, and on watching it hears Rimmer's last words as he dies: "Gazpacho soup!" He is most perplexed as to what this might mean, and determines to find out.
Meanwhile, next door the new Rimmer drives the other hard, pushing him to the limit as they exercise. Each tries to outdo the other in setting an ever earlier time to rise, and when they have settled on a rising time of 04.30, the time being 02.00, the new Rimmer pushes the old to revise instead of going to bed. Wandering the corridors of Red Dwarf at 05.00, Lister asks Rimmer about Gazpacho soup, but the hologram will not tell him what it means, which only makes Lister more determined to find out. He slips into Rimmer's quarters and finds the hologram's diary, wherein he sees a day marked as Gazpacho Soup Day, the date 6 weeks before the crew were all wiped out.
Raised voices are soon heard next door, as the Rimmers, each as fundamentally unlikeable as the other, argue and then the original Rimmer comes back in to Lister, advising him that they have had a little tiff. From this point onward, Rimmer and Rimmer are at war, with the result that Lister is eventually driven to erase one of them. He uses "ippy dippy my space shippy" to decide, since it is otherwise impossible to divine which Rimmer should be deleted, and ends up picking the original. He orders him to report to the drive room in ten minutes for deresolution, and before they proceed he gets Rimmer to explain about Gazpacho Soup Day. Seeing that he is going to be erased anyway, Rimmer decides to tell Lister.
Having been fourteen years with the Jupiter Mining Corporation, Rimmer was invited to the Captain's Table for dinner, but when he was served Gazpacho soup he did not realise that it was supposed to be served cold! He complained to the chef, and got him to bring back the soup, heated up. The looks on the faces of the officers still haunt him, and he knew then he would never again eat at the Captain's Table. Lister tells him that it was a mistake anyone could have made, but he is not to be mollified. However, after having him spill his soul, Lister tells Rimmer that he has in fact erased the other Rimmer, but didn't tell this one because he wanted to get the truth behind Rimmer's last words.
Best quotes/lines/scenes
The parting of the ways:
RIMMER: "Ah, Lister, this is one the best decisions I ever made. No more you and your stupid, annoying face. No more you and your stupid, annoying habits."
LISTER: "
Me? What did ]i]I[/i] do?"
RIMMER: "You hummed. Maliciously and persistently for two years. Every time I sat down to do some revision: MMMMmmMMmMmMMMmMMMMMMMmmm--"
LISTER: "Hang on, hang on. Are you saying you never became an officer because you shared your quarters with someone who hummed?"
RIMMER: "Obviously not just that, Lister. Everything! Everything you ever did was designed to hold me back and annoy me."
LISTER: "Like what?"
RIMMER: "Like using my mother's photograph as an ashtray."
LISTER: "I didn't know! I thought it was a souvenir from Titan Zoo."
RIMMER: "Exchanging the symbols on my revision timetable so instead of taking my Engineering Finals, I went swimming."
LISTER: "The symbols fell off. I thought I put them back in the right place."
RIMMER: "Swapping my toothpaste for a tube of contraceptive jelly."
LISTER: "Come on! That was a joke!"
RIMMER: "Yes, Lister, the same kind of joke as putting my name down on the waiting list for experimental pile surgery."
LISTER: "It's not only one-way, Rimmer. You're hardly Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. Easy-To-Live-With!"
RIMMER: "What are you talking about?"
LISTER: "I'm talking about playing your self-hypnosis tapes all through the night.
Learn Esperanto While You Sleep.Learn Quantum Theory While You Sleep."
RIMMER: "We both got the same benefit."
LISTER: "Yeah, neither of us got any sleep. And what about the time you tied me hair to the bedpost and then sounded the fire alarm?"
RIMMER: "Lister, I did that because I was sick of you annoying me. I don't have to explain it."
LISTER: "I nearly needed brain surgery!"
RIMMER: "What brains? The point is you've always stopped me being successful. That's a scientific fact."
LISTER: "Rimmer, you can't blame me for your lousy life."
RIMMER: "Oh, yes, I can."
LISTER: "See? It's always the same. You never had the right pens for your G.E. drawing. Your dividers don't stretch far enough."
RIMMER: "Well, they don't!"
LISTER: "See? In the end you can't turn around and say, I'm sorry I buggered up my life. It's all Lister's fault!"
RIMMER: "Well, I'm not, am I? I'm moving out. Out of Slob City and into Successville."
LISTER: "What, you mean next door?"
RIMMER: "It's not the place, Lister. It's the company. I'm about to share my life with someone who'll give me encouragement and understanding. The thrust and parry of meaningful conversation."
Lister watches Rimmer's death-video...
On the monitor the words: "A Tribute to Arnold J. Rimmer, BSc, SSc"
appear, accompanied by dramatic music.
HOLLY: "BSc, SSc?" What's that?
LISTER: "Bronze Swimming certificate and Silver Swimming certificate. He's a total lunatic."
RIMMER: (On the video) "Hello. This video pays homage to a man who fell short of greatness by a gnat's wing. Before we see a digitalised recording of his final moments, there's going to be a lengthy tribute, interspersed with poetry readings, read by me."
LISTER: "Whoa-ho! Spin on!" (The video fast forwards.) "Okay, Hol. Put it in motion." (The video continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...and if it hadn't been for those people who kept dragging him down, pulling him down, pulling him back..."
LISTER: "Spin on!" (The video fast forwards and continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...if you put Napoleon in quarters with Lister, he'd still be in Corsica, peeling spuds."
LISTER: (A mite peeved) "Spin on!" (The video fast forwards and continues.)
RIMMER: (On the video) "...we see the final moments of Arnold J. Rimmer."
LISTER: "Yes!"
On the video, Captain Hollister is in the Drive Room yelling at Rimmer who is standing at attention. A few random officers stand in the back.
HOLLISTER: (On the video to Rimmer) "Look, it was your job to fix it, Rimmer! You can't do sloppy work on the drive plate!"
RIMMER: (On the video) "I know, sir, and I accept full responsibility for any consequences." (Executes a Full-Rimmer salute.)
A blinding white light glares and everyone is blown across the room by a tremendous wind.
HOLLY: (On the video) "Emergency. There's an emergency going on. It's still going on. Will Arnold J. Rimmer please hurry to white corridor 159. This is an emergency announcement."
We see RIMMER as he is thrown against a wall, screaming.
RIMMER: (On the video) "Aaaaaiiiiiiiuuuuurrrrghhhhh... Gazpacho soup!"
Rimmer pushes Rimmer...
The two Rimmers are exercising by squatting then leaping high into the air, throwing their arms above them.
RIMMER #2: "Stretch further!"
RIMMER: (Stopping) "And rest."
RIMMER #2: (Still jumping) "No! Keep jumping!"
RIMMER: (Jumping some more) "Absolutely. Keep on going. Through the pain barrier."
RIMMER #2: "Jump, jump, jump!"
RIMMER: (Stopping again) "And rest."
RIMMER #2: (Still jumping) "What are you doing, man?!"
RIMMER: "I'm resting! It's going all gray!"
RIMMER #2: "That's the pain barrier! Beat it!"
RIMMER: (Jumping awkwardly) "You're right. You're absolutely right. Keep it going."
RIMMER #2: (Stopping) "And rest."
RIMMER: (Collapsing) "Brilliant! That extra little bit.That's what it's all about."
RIMMER #2: "What time do we get up?"
RIMMER: "Oh, early! Half past eight?"
RIMMER #2: "No, earlier than that. Seven."
RIMMER: "How 'bout six?"
RIMMER #2: "No, half past four."
RIMMER: "That's the middle of the night!"
RIMMER #2: "You wanted driving. I'm driving you."
RIMMER: "Once again, Arnold, you're absolutely right. Holly, alarm call four-thirty in the morning. Make it the sonic boom, extra loud, emergency one."
HOLLY: "Yes, Arnold. And Arnold."
RIMMER starts to crawl into bed
RIMMER #2: "Uh, what are you doing, Arnold?"
RIMMER: "I'm going to bed, Arnold."
RIMMER #2: "But it's two in the morning! We can get in a couple hours of revision easily."
RIMMER: "But I'm getting up in a minute..."
RIMMER #2: "You take Power Circuits and Esperanto. I'll take Thermal Energy and the History of Philosophy."
RIMMER: (Getting up) "Fantastic! This is what I've always dreamed of! I'm in heaven!"
RIMMER #2: "Better than sex!"
Rimmer's diary:
LISTER:
"My Diary, by Arnold J. Rimmer. January the first: I have decided to keep a journal of my thoughts and deeds over the coming year; a daily chart of my progress through the echelons of command, so that perhaps one day, other aspiring officers may seek enlightenment through these pages. It is my fond hope that, one day, this journal will take its place alongside `Napoleon's War Diaries' and `The Memoirs of Julius Caesar'." Next entry... (Flips ahead.)
"July the seventeenth: Auntie Maggie's Birthday." (Flips ahead.)
"November the twenty-fifth: Gazpacho Soup day!" That's six weeks before the crew got wiped out!"
Holly plays an "April Fool" joke on Lister:
HOLLY: "Busy, Dave?"
LISTER: "Well, yeah, I am, actually!"
HOLLY: "Oh. Then you won't want to know about the two super-lightspeed fighters that are tracking us."
LISTER: "What?!"
HOLLY: "I'll leave you to your bubble blowing, mate."
LISTER: "No, Holly. Hol. Come on."
HOLLY: "They're from Earth."
LISTER: "That's three million years away."
HOLLY: "They're from the NorWEB Federation."
LISTER: "What's that?"
HOLLY: "NorthWestern Electricity Board. They want you, Dave."
LISTER: "Me? Why? What for?"
HOLLY: "For your crimes against humanity."
LISTER: "You what?!"
HOLLY: "Seems when you left Earth, three million years ago, you left two half-eaten German sausages on a plate in your kitchen."
LISTER: "Did I?"
HOLLY: "You know what happens to sausages left unattended for three million years?"
LISTER: "Yeah, they go mouldy."
HOLLY: "Your sausages, Dave, now cover seven-eighths of the Earth's surface. Also, you left seventeen pounds, fifty pence in your bank account. Thanks to compound interest you now own 98% of all the world's wealth. And because you hoarded it for three million years, nobody's got any money except for you and NorWEB."
LISTER: "Why NorWEB?"
HOLLY: "You left a light on in the bathroom. I've got a final demand here for one hundred and eighty billion pounds."
LISTER: "A hundred and eighty billion pounds?!! You're kidding!"
HOLLY: (Wearing a Grouch-Marx glasses-nose-and-moustache) "April Fool."
LISTER: "But it's not April!"
HOLLY: "Yeah, I know. But I can't be waiting six months with a red-hot jape like that underneath me hat."
The Rimmers have a tiff:
RIMMER: (Hurt) "I'm not gonna stand here and take this abuse."
RIMMER #2: (Sneering) "Oh, yes, when the going gets tough, the tough go and have a little cry in the corner. You got a sponge for a backbone! No wonder father hated you!"
RIMMER: "That's a lie! A lie, lie, lie, lie, lie!"
RIMMER #2: "Then why didn't he send you to the academy?"
RIMMER: "He couldn't afford it!"
RIMMER #2: "Oh! He sent all our brothers!"
RIMMER: "You're a filthy, smegging, lying, smegging liar!"
RIMMER #2: "Face facts, man, nobody likes you! Not even Mummy!"
RIMMER: (Almost crying) "Mummy
did like me! Mummy was just busy. She had a lot of meetings to go to."
RIMMER #2: "Twaddle!"
RIMMER: "You better watch what you say about my mummy! I'm a grown man and I'm not going to accept it."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "Oh, grow up, Mr. Gazpacho!!"
RIMMER: (Quietly) "Mister what?"
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "I ... SAID ... MISTER ... GAZ ... PAAAACHO, DEAFIE!!!"
RIMMER: (Crying) "That is the most obscenely hurtful thing."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting) "GOOD!"
RIMMER: "That is the straw that broke the dromedary, that is. You're finished, Rimmer."
RIMMER #2: (Snarling) "No, YOU'RE finished, Rimmer!"
Following on from this, Rimmer is now back in his old place, sleeping for the night on his old bunk. Rimmer 2, however, is not finished.
LISTER: "It's just I thought I heard, you know, um, raised voices?"
RIMMER: "Heh. It's quite an amusing thought, isn't it? Having a... a blazing row with yourself."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting in Rimmer's Quarters) "HIT THE WALL! GO ON! HIT THE WALL! GO ON! YEAH! YEAH!"
We see RIMMER #2 is directing the scutters to hit the adjoining wall for him.
RIMMER #2: (Shouting through the wall) "CAN YOU SHUT UP, RIMMER?! SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP!"
RIMMER: (To LISTER) "Obviously, we have professional disagreements. But, I mean, nothing with any side to it. Nothing malicious."
RIMMER #2: (Shouting through the wall) "SHUT UP, YA DEAD GIT!"
RIMMER: (Getting up) "Excuse me a second, Lister, will you?"
He walks calmly to the door.
RIMMER: "STOP YOUR FOUL WHINING, YA FILTHY PIECE OF DISTENDED RECTUM!!!"
He calmly turns back.
RIMMER: "Lister, there's no point in concealing it anymore. Rimmer and me, we've had a bit of a tiff. Nothing major. But it goes without saying, IT WAS HIS FAULT!"
Lister has to choose which Rimmer to delete, so uses the most scientific and fair method available to him...
LISTER: "Ippy-dippy, my space shippy, on a course so true, past Neptune and Pluto's moon, the one I choose is you." He ends pointing to RIMMER.
RIMMER #2: "Excellent! Excellent decision, Listie! Turn him off."
RIMMER: "And the one you end on is the one who stays, yes?"
LISTER: (Firmly to RIMMER) "It's you, Rimmer."
RIMMER: "Wait a minute. Just wait a minute. Hold your horses. Hang on."
LISTER: It's your own fault, Rimmer. If you'd've given me Kochanski's hologram, none of this would've happened. You made the bed, you lie in it. Drive Room. Ten minutes."
RIMMER #2: "Drive Room.
Five minutes."
RIMMER: "I don't believe it. I've been "ippy-dippied" to death."
Gazpacho soup!
RIMMER: "I suppose now I'm doomed, I can tell you. Gazpacho soup. It was the greatest night of my life. I'd been invited to the Captain's Table. I'd only been with the company fourteen years. Six officers and me! They called me "Arnold." We had gazpacho soup for starters. I didn't know gazpacho soup was meant to be served cold. I called over the chef and I told him to take it away and bring it back hot. He did! The looks on their faces still haunt me today!!" (Crying) "I thought they were laughing at the chef, when all the time, they were laughing at me as I ate my piping hot gazpacho soup! I never ate at the Captain's Table again. That was the end of my career."