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CrazyVegn · 05-26-2013, 04:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Hermione

That's good to hear, I'd hate to hear of you damaging yourself in the same sort of ways I did when I was younger.

ANYWAY:

ANYWAY this is kind of a long story but I promise it's good.

Ever since I fell in love with myself things have been changing around me, my new year resolution was to make 2013 about me, the most wonderful, kind, patient, talented person that I know and in doing that I made the best decision of my life. I'm happy now because I'm becoming a human being. I started off December still in a toxic relationship with someone who abused me and took advantage of my goodness and my patience and love and I said **** it, I'm leaving. He ruined my ****ing life before this, because he always needed ME to take care of him and I could never take care of myself, because to him that would mean I didn't love him. So I went to doing well, happy, an Honours student to being a drug addicted dominatrix again. I was "his Dayna" so I felt obligated to take care of him, but I have no obligations now but to myself and those who are worthy of my love.

I had to take Dayna away from the ex, the part of me I always use to mother myself and I did it. I had to move back in with my parents, much to my embarrassment, but how ****ing meaningless is it to be worried about that when I was poisoning myself with alcohol to the point I was probably going to die in that apartment. I have nothing to be ashamed of, I'm stronger than him and all of this other bull****. So I took Dayna away from him and I reminded her that she always has me. I loved her and bought her beautiful things instead of spending all her money that she worked so hard for on a piece of **** lover. I showed her she was worth everything to me, and she was safe because she always had Me. Me her dominatrix self, of course. Being manic depressive is kind of like having several different selves. I played many versions of myself throughout my life, never feeling complete until I realized that was so ****ing strong and amazing and perfect to myself, that what did I have to hide from anybody? I'm not afraid of other people and what they think. So, after I loved Dayna to the point of loving herself, I killed her off. I started to realize that I was more than a name, more than an identity, all this other **** and I realised the person I am. I realized I'm not actually heterosexual, a woman, or typically "romantic". I have a mental illness, I'm neurodivergent, I hate my birth name, and I'm a very fluid person in general. But I don't care what anyone else thinks, most of all. So I decided to come out about my gender and sexuality to people I trusted and they told me that they love me anyway and don't really care because the person I am is still the same. I'm still their good friend who will kill for them if anyone ****s with them, that's who I am, despite any other labels, but I can label myself whatever the **** I want because that has nothing to do with other people and their happiness. The people I love won't judge me, if they truly love me. So killing off my birth name was my next step. I haven't legally changed it, but a friend gave me the nickname because it suited my personality, and it does. It truly does. Being Hermione means freedom to me, being Hermione means that I don't belong to anyone, unless I choose to give myself to them. It's much like my dominatrix side, Queen Salome. I'm not really Salome, but I am Hermione through and through, and **** anyone else's attachment to my birth name. It's my choice, not yours.

However, I did become a little afraid of telling my mother about my newly found identity because I thought she might be attached to my birth name. So one of the first people I came out to was my mother, even though I thought that she would think I was crazy, but she took it really well. I was super surprised. Come to find out, she's actually not attached to my birth name all that much either. She wanted to name me Brienne/Brianne, which I think is funny because that is also my mom's favourite GOT character.

Realising this about myself, getting to know and love myself truly was hard as ****, especially forgiving myself, but now that I can do that for myself, I can do that for other people, and especially another person in my life, I can finally offer up my goodness to this person without it being tainted by my past. I can love this special person without inflicting the pain I've accrued throughout my life onto them. That's worth everything to me, since they're the only pure hearted person to ever come into my life that sees me as a full human being rather than a trope.

sighz

anyway yeah

Hm, yeah there is nothing wrong w/ living with your parents in that situation. I was listening to a speech the other day by teen graduates and kinda rolling my eyes on the inside until one of them said that your parents will be your best friends in the end.
You are also Water Rising like me so I can emotionally relate to everything you've said and I know you probably picked up on that (I seen how you did).
I'm quite surprised (and relieved) no one has told me to qstn my doctor. They ust want repeat customers in this case and they are not the ones who have to deal with the side effects. IDK if you read what Effexor XR was doing to me a few pages back, but that's ok. It took away my senses, basically, especially physical.
Why I got on it in the first place was yes, I was diagnosed w/ depression in my late teens, BUT I had been living without meds for a few yrs until my crazy ex tried to come back into my life with stalking and scaring me. It was a living horror movie so I got back on and it helped a lot w/ the anxiety. But now he's gone and since I had depression ANYWAY I remained on it. I'm confident enough now to where even if he came back AGAIN I won't need this medicine.
I need to learn to take life's grief like a big girl, I guess without a blanket. I can understand taking something if someone you love dies but otherwise (for me) it may damage natural dopamine flow and or give you a whole new personality that also isn't quite natural.