1.4 "Waste not want not"
Alan meets Norman in an underground to discuss a serious problem. Some time ago they dumped nuclear waste (at the behest of, if Alan is to be believed, Argentinian General Galtieri!) in a lockup in Hull, and this is now due to be knocked down. If the extremely hazardous, not to mention criminally incriminating evidence is found, both of them can kiss freedom goodbye. Back at home Sarah informs him that her father has come to visit. Alan hates Roland Gidleigh-Park, but is beholden to him as B'Stard's seat in the Conservative Party is within his gift, so he has to stomach him. Roland hates B'Stard, and doesn't make any attempt to hide it, though you can see that at heart he and Alan are quite alike. Sarah's father reveals himself to be a racist and a bigot, so B'Stard is in good company.
After a thoroughly "enjoyable" dinner B'Stard repairs to his local pub, where Sidney Bliss, whom we met in the first episode, tells him abotu a closed coalmine in the area, and B'Stard's venomous brain starts to tick over. He's rather upset to find out that the owner of the mine is ... Sarah's father. Now he has to ingratitate himself with the old duffer. Roland is of course suspicious at his son-in-law's sudden change of tack, and seems reluctant to reveal the location of the mine, no matter how much Alan butters him up.
Norman finds it though and they move the radioactive sludge there. When it becomes obvious that there is a school nearby Norman refuses to help and walks off. B'Stard enlists Sidney as his new partner in crime, telling him that capital punishment may be on the way back. He promises him his old job back as a hangman when he is made Minister of Death. Of course he tells him that it's beer they're dumping, not nuclear waste. When they go into the mine though they discover the reason Roland didn't want the location getting out was that he was already storing mustard gas! Seems the two have a lot more in common than even they thought.
QUOTES
Roland: "I never touch anything French. The last thing French I touched was in 1940. Her name was Giselle. I was pissing glass for a month!"
B'Stard: "I buy British! I drive a Bentley! My suits and shirts are all handmade by British craftsmen! Albeit with Greek surnames!"
MACHINATIONS
It gets worse! Having already agreed to store nuclear waste for the Argentines, and having taken no precautions whatsoever about where it was stored --- a simple lockup --- B'Stard has absolutely no qualms about relocating it close to a children's school! He remarks that if British people want an independent nuclear deterrent --- a favourite phrase of Maggie Thatcher's in the eighties --- they should be proud to have British nuclear waste underneath their school! Of course, he conveniently forgets that it's not British but Argentinian, not that it should make a difference.
SIDEKICK
Interestingly, Piers is conspicuous by his absence in this episode. He's not in it once, not even to voice a strong opposition to Alan's plans. In fact, the entire episode takes place away from the Houses of Parliament, which may explain why he's not in it.
THE USER AND THE USED
SIDNEY BLISS
Alan is well aware of Sidney's weakness. As a hangman he enjoyed his job, perhaps too well, and he loathes the fact that capital punishment has been abolished in Britain. B'Stard uses this hankering for "the good old days" to trick Bliss into helping him relocate the nuclear waste. He tells him of a fictitous vote coming up which may reintroduce hanging, and should that happen, he promises the landlord his old job back. Crazy as this may seem, and without doubt a lie made up by B'Stard to suit his plans and manipulate Bliss, this will actually happen after season two, though it won't quite work out how either of them expect...
WHAT IS LOVE?
SARAH
Although we're now only four episodes in, Alan and Sarah have already given up the pretence of affection they evinced in episode one, and have moved beyond the mutual dislike of episode two; they now officially hate each other. However they have to put on a face for Sarah's father, she because she needs to keep spending Alan's money, he because he needs to keep his seat. Alan plays a trick on Sarah, cruelly telling her there is a present for her in the garden but he has bought her nothing. When she comes in, excitedly asking where the present is, he sneers there was none, it was a joke.
... AND ISN'T THAT...?
Like many comedies of its day, "The New Statesman" featured some guest stars, often in bit parts, who would grow to become quite famous in later years.
MARK WILLIAMS: The bluff Yorkshireman who takes Alan to task about his non-representation of his constituents in Bliss's pub is none other than Mark Williams, who would go on to star in shows like "The Fast Show" and "Father Brown", play Olaf Petersen in "Red Dwarf" and Brian Williams in Doctor Who, as well as presenting his own shows on the History Channel. He would also have a successful career in film, appearing in movies such as "Stardust" and the "Harry Potter" franchise.
PETER SALLIS: Although we already met him in the pilot episode I hadn't thought of this section when I was writing that, so here we see a return for Sidney Bliss, ex-hangman and current landlord of "The Hangman's Knot Inn" pub, played by the man who now has two major roles forever enshrined in TV series, the first of which is as Clegg in the long-running comedy "The last of the summer wine" and the other persona he is now identified with is Wallace, from Nick Park's famous claymation duo, Wallace and Gromit.
THE B'STARD BODYCOUNT
Never a man afraid to make, and dispose of, his enemies in his climb up the greasy pole of success and power, B'Stard has, by the end of the series, left a considerable pile of bodies behind him. Some of these are not literal --- people whose careers he has destroyed, or whose lives he has ruined but who still survive --- but some are, and he has caused more than one bodybag to be filled in his quest for power and wealth. In this section I'll be detailing, and updating, both the number and the individuals sacrificed to the Tory's lust for power. In the case of any driven to suicide by him, I will count those as Non-Lethal, even if they did die. Only ones in which he has a direct hand will I consider Lethal, but believe me, there are more than enough of them to go around.
Note: Though it's quite highly likely that some people die or have their lives ruined as an indirect result of his machinations --- the workers at Ocelot, the kids in the school under which he buries the nuclear waste --- these will not be counted, as they can't be categorically attributed to him, and for all we know, their deaths may not have occurred, or may have, but for reasons unconnected to B'Stard.
Non-Lethal
William Richard Aslon, Labour candidate in Haltemprice by-election. Judicious severing of the brakes of his car caused it to crash into B'Stard's other opponent, removing both from the race.
Martin Cyril Roper, SDP candidate. As above.
Sir Malachy Jericho, ex-Chief Constable of Police. His innate insanity was brought to the fore by B'Stard, who convinced him that the Bishop of Haltemprice was the Antichrist. Jericho was then removed from the force and, it is assumed, sectioned or imprisoned for pulling a gun on the bishop.
Non-Lethal Bodycount: 3
Lethal Bodycount: 0
Total Bodycount: 3