The Batlord

Return of the Kings of Metal: Part I continued...

` ` `Almost tenderly she wrapped her arms around him in a grotesque semblance of a loving embrace. As Heinrich's tears flowed down her shoulder, his wife descended on his neck with the savagery of an animal, and tore out a ragged chunk of his flesh with a hideous tearing sound. He screamed in agony as a fountain of blood sprayed out over the nearest zombies who were already grasping at him. He was then driven to the ground by the press of undead bodies who then began to feast. His blood-soaked shirt was ripped from his chest and countless groping hands tore into his abdomen and began pulling out his insides to stuff inside of their hungry mouths. Heinrich was soon lost in the seething mass of undead, but his screams could still be heard. Screams of anguish and sheer animal terror that sounded like nothing human.
` ` `As we looked on in horror, Kerry lifted a flask of Jägermeister to his lips that he had apparently found in a pool of blood on the way to the square and quickly downed the entire thing in one long pull. Throwing back his head he let loose a bestial war cry that thundered off of the surrounding buildings and temporarily stopped every zombie in the square in their tracks before charging forward into the horde, cutting every walking corpse in front of him down with ax and mace.
` ` `Roaring like a madman he swung down his morning star and shattered a ghoul's skull into powder and pulp before hacking off the top half of another's head with his battleaxe. One tried to grab his left arm, his ax arm, but, laughing, Kerry pulled away and thrust forward with the mace into it's chest, shattering it's rib cage and forcing a black gob of coagulated blood out of it's mouth as it flew back to land in a heap on the cobblestones of the square. Again and again he struck down the revenants, but for every one he "killed", ten more took their place and he was quickly becoming surrounded.

` ` `Turning to Oscar, I asked, "What's say we help our borderline psychotic friend out? He looks like he could use a hand."

` ` `"Perhaps you are right," he smiled, stroking his sword, "I think that it is time I test my blade against the undead."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, Oscar."

` ` `"Glory to the brave, my friend."

` ` `"Joey!" I called, "Try to keep those freaks off our backs!"

` ` `"I got you big daddy! Let's kick the tires and light the fires!"

` ` `"Right on, Joey!"

` ` `With battle cries of our own, Oscar and I hacked and slashed our way into the mob of walking dead. Side by side we managed to cut a swath of blood and severed limbs all the way to Kerry.

` ` `"Hey!" I shouted to Kerry, "Is this a one pussy party or can any dick insert themselves?"

` ` `"Does it look like I need your fucking help?"

` ` `"Nah, I just wanted to see it when you gave a zombie some brain, you fucking queer!"

` ` `"Hah! You did always like to watch, you sick fuck!"

` ` `"Fuck yeah! Now why don't you make like a bulldozer and clear us a path? We're buggin' out dude!"

` ` `"You're no fucking fun! Well I guess it's time I took you girls by the hand and led you outta here!"

` ` `With Kerry's ax and morning star clearing a path of shattered bones and decapitated heads and Oscar and I guarding his back, we finally managed to fight our way clear of the zombie horde. We were now covered in a rather bitchin' coat of blood and gore. Kick ass!

` ` `"About fucking time!" mocked Joey, who had amassed a respectable pile of arrow-filled corpses around himself, "I thought I was gonna have to run away and leave you dumb fuckers to die!"

` ` `"Kiss my ass, Joey!"

` ` `"It seems that we have only had a temporary reprieve," pointed out Oscar, "We are still surrounded, and the horde shall soon overrun this square, and unless my eyes deceive me our horses appear to have bolted."

` ` `Slashing at a zombie that had come too close I responded, "I noticed. If we're gonna have any chance of completing our mission then we've gotta get across that fucking bridge."

` ` `"If memory serves, then the bridge should be somewhere in that direction," he said, pointing to the East.

` ` `"There's no way we're gonna be able to get through all of that dead meat. We're gonna have to go through one of those houses."

` ` `With Kerry cutting a path through the relatively thin ranks of zombies between us and the nearest house and Joey covering our retreat, we managed to reach our destination. After Kerry smashed the wooden door into splinters we quickly dashed into the house and began searching for another way out. Through the kitchen door Oscar saw a backdoor and called for us to follow him. But no sooner had he entered the kitchen than he was struck from the side and pinned against a wall by one of the creatures.
` ` `The zombie's eyes had been destroyed by a slash from a sword and blood and aqueous humor flowed down its face, but it had no trouble finding Oscar's throat as it tried to throttle the life out him. Oscar repeatedly struck it in the face with the hilt of his sword while desperately trying to keep its snapping maw from sinking its teeth into his face with his other hand, but the ghoul was impervious to pain and was coming inexorably closer and closer.
` ` `With a lightning-quick lunge, Gram pierced through the zombie's temple and came out the other side of its skull with a sickening scrape. It crumpled to the ground with a meaty thud when I withdrew my sword and Oscar sagged against the wall, coughing and clutching at his throat.

` ` `"Many thanks, my friend. I was afraid that the Light of True Metal had deserted me," he said hoarsely.

` ` `"No problem, bitch. Now you get to buy me a nice pair of tits and a whore to go along with 'em at the next inn."

` ` `"I shall buy you four."

` ` `"What tits or whores?"

` ` `"Whichever you prefer."

` ` `"Um, guys?" interrupted Joey, "I hate to interrupt the fuck fest, but there's sort of a horde of flesh-eating zombies coming in through the front door to forcibly remove our brains. I just thought you should know."

` ` `And indeed an ever increasing flood of shambling, undead monstrosities was now flooding into the house and stumbling and crawling toward us, hands reaching for our warm flesh. The look of bloodlust in Kerry's eyes forced me to grab him by the shoulder and forcibly shove him in the direction of the backdoor.

` ` `"Oh no you don't, motherfucker! I'm not having any more of your shit tonight! You get your fucking ass through that fucking door right fuck now!", I screamed, my finger directly between his eyes.

` ` `"No. Fucking. Fun." he growled, glaring daggers at me, but he stalked out the door.

` ` `Running through the door, I was confronted by a seven-foot high brick wall. To either side of us was a narrow, refuse-filled alleyway. Though we couldn't see them from around the corners, on both ends of the alley came the stench and the groans of the undead townspeople.

` ` `"Fuck! Over the wall!" I shouted as I was already scrambling up its face. I drew myself up, kicked my leg up over the top, and dropped down on the other side into another alley running at a ninety-degree angle from the wall.
` ` `Dashing forward, I didn't see the zombie lunging out of the doorway until it was too late. But just as it was bearing down on me, an arrow sprouted out of its left eye, dropping it to the ground with a thud.
` ` `I turned around to see Joey straddling the wall, bow in hand, and another arrow already notched, "Now you get to buy me a bed!"

` ` `"I'll buy you two!"

` ` `After that it was a headlong flight through a maze of alleyways. Several times we were forced to double back after finding a dead end or a pack of ravenous ghouls. But after what felt like hours, we finally found ourselves dumped by the bank of the river not two blocks away from the stone bridge. And past the bridge, less than a block from it, was yet another seething mass of zombies.

` ` `We ran for that bridge as if the very hosts of Hell were behind us. Or in front of us.

` ` `"Faster, faster, must fo faster!"

` ` `"Shut up and run, you idiot!"

` ` `With only seconds to spare, we made the bridge and tried to put as much distance between them and us as possible. But no sooner had we reached the center of the bridge than more of the revenants began to gather at the opposite end and start shambling toward us. With enemies behind and in front of us, we had no choice but to stop.

` ` `"Are you fucking kidding me?!" I exclaimed in disbelief, bent over, hands on my knees, taking in great gulps of air, "All that shit, all that running, and now we get trapped like fucking rats?!"

` ` `"It would appear that, as you would say, we are fucked," sardonically replied Oscar, likewise bent over in exhaustion.

` ` `"So it would appear," I agreed with a resigned laugh, before standing up, taking a pack of Marlboros from my pocket, and lighting a cigarette. "Oh yeah," I said with great satisfaction, blowing out a glorious cloud of carcinogens, "As long as I've got a sword in my hand, a song in my heart, and a cigarette between my lips, then all is right with the world."

` ` `"How the fuck can you smoke at a time like this?!" screamed Joey in disbelief,"What the fuck are we gonna do?"

` ` `"We're gonna die like True Metalheads," rumbled Kerry, raising his weapons in anticipation for one last, reckless charge into the enemy.

` ` `"Don't be so sure, dude," I replied, "Can you swim?"

` ` `"Wuh-yeah..."

` ` `With Kerry standing next to the stone railing of the bridge, I shoved him in the chest, knocking him over the side and into the swiftly-flowing current of the river with a great splash.

` ` `"Dude!" cried Joey, mouth hanging open in astonishment, "What the fuck?! I don't give a shit how good you can swim, that water's going too fast to be able to swim in it! We'll fucking drown!"

` ` `"No time for that," I replied with a wicked grin, "Everyone knows you're not supposed to get in the water till thirty minutes after you've been eaten."

` ` `Before he could respond, I lifted him in the air by the collar of his Iron Maiden shirt and hurled him over the side of the bridge. His cry was interrupted by yet another splash.

` ` `Oscar held up his hands as I turned to him, "I believe that I can get over the side without your assistance."

` ` `"You always were my favorite."

` ` `With a smile and a mock salute, he dove off of the bridge.

` ` `Turning to look at the approaching zombie hordes, I sighed and said, "You know, your town is lovely, and I've had a wonderful time here, but I must say, I find that your cuisine leaves much to be desired." With that I flicked my cigarette over the side of the bridge and dove in after it.

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