The Batlord

The Return of the Kings of Metal: Part II

` ` `I woke up to the sight of an unfamiliar ceiling. It was a rather nice ceiling. Made outta wood. Wood kicks ass. Fuck plaster. Shit always rains down on you when you're bangin' some chick's head against the headboard. You know, when your fuckin' her, not when you're domestically abusing her. I don't get down with that pussy shit.
` ` `So what was I talkin' about? Oh yeah, wood ceiling. I seemed to be lying in a rather comfortable bed while staring at the aforementioned ceiling. From the sunlight and chirping of birds coming in through the window, I imagined that I had woken up sometime in the morning. Usually I prefer to wake up to Napalm Death and/or a blowjob, but sunlight and birds isn't a bad way to go, all things considered.

` ` `"Oh, you're up!"

` ` `Turning my head in the direction of the voice, I saw that it had come from a rather fetching young lass who had stuck her head in through the door of the small bedroom that I was in.

` ` `"You must be really strong. We, that's me and my pa, reckoned you'd be out for a good while," she gushed in a rapid fire aural assault as she entered the room with what looked like a tray of food on top of a pile of what looked my clothes in her arms. "You looked just like a drowned rat when we, me and pa remember, fished you outta that river. I don't know what you were thinkin' goin' swimmin' in there. You look like you would have more common sense than that. We, well, I, washed your clothes for you. This is a really great shirt. Morbid Angel are awesome, and I don't think I ever saw a Thy Kingdom Come demo shirt before. Did you get this in the capital, or are you one of those guys from the future? Would you like something to eat?" Having now sat down in a chair next to the bed, she offered me the tray of food.

` ` `"Um...sure," I replied, somewhat taken aback by her...enthusiasm. Sitting up and letting the sheet fall away from my chest, I asked, "So, what's your name?"

` ` `Upon seeing the masculine perfection that is my torso, she understandably blushed and looked down at her hands in her lap, "Gretchen."

` ` `Red hair in pig tails, a C-cup, digs Morbid Angel, and her name is Gretchen? The talking was a problem, but I'm sure I could find other uses for her mouth. I wasn't quite sure if she was legal or not, but since this was medieval Germany, I don't suppose it really mattered. "So, Gretchen, beautiful name by the way, did you make this sausage?"

` ` `She nodded, blushing harder than ever.

` ` `"It's nice to see a girl who knows how to handle some sausage. By the way, where am I?"

` ` `She seemed to be having a little trouble with her words now, but when women come into contact with a True Metalhead of the Highest Caliber such as myself, well...things happen. "Th-this is, um, my pa's farm. W-we f-found you...oh, s-sorry, I already told you that, d-didn't I? Is it hot in here?"

` ` `"No, it's just you. I had three friends with me, did you find them too?"

` ` `"I-I-I...no. O-only you."

` ` `"Too bad. So, where's your father?"

` ` `"H-he, he's in th-the fields. He'll b-be there all d-day."

` ` `"Well, lucky me..."

` ` `Alright, long story short, about...twenty minutes later, I was running butt-naked through a cornfield, with my clothes in one hand and my sword in the other, with a rather irate, pitchfork-wielding farmer in hot pursuit. I wasn't sure if he was angry that I had deflowered his daughter, or if he wanted my to marry her, but either way, it was time to get the fuck outta Dodge.
` ` `Some time later, my flight from the farmer had led me to an area of woods. There, I found a creek to wash the blood off of my dick, after which I put my clothes on and set off to find my friends. And Joey. I wasn't exactly sure where I was, but I was reasonably sure that I remembered seeing these woods on a map, which means that the road to the Desert of Nephren-Ka was...

` ` `Thataway! Boom. We are in business.

` ` `Unfortunately, my chosen direction seemed to include several unavoidable patches of thorny vines, an unfortunately placed pile of deer shit, and one rather ornery hive of bees. So, it was with some relief when, after emerging scratched and rather ornery myself from one of the patches of thorny vines, I finally gazed upon the road.
` ` `But some distance in front of me, I spied what appeared to be two goblins hiding behind a bush facing the road. Feeling more curious than anything, I kept low and silently crept up to the bush. Now about ten feet away, and still undiscovered, I saw that the two goblins were peering through the bush at the road, and were each carrying a crude, iron ax. Lowering my voice to a whisper, I called out, "Hey! Goblin dudes! Whatcha doin'?"

` ` `They both jumped in surprise at the sound of my voice and spun around, axes at the ready. One of them, the leader I imagined, whispered back, "Who the krikshahk are you?!"

` ` `"I'm a True Metalhead! That's all you need to know."

` ` `"Glurth yeah!" he replied, proudly showing off his Burzum t-shirt, while his partner showed me his Emperor shirt, "Hey, get over here in the bushes before some pink face sees you."

` ` `Joining them, I asked again, "So...what's goin' on, uh..."

` ` `"I'm Ugbarth, and this is Raztar. The chieftain cut out his tongue for, you know...using it on his daughter, so he doesn't talk much."

` ` `"Ouch. I feel your pain, Raz. Are you at least still hittin' it on the sly?"

` ` `Raztar's cryptic smile was all I needed to know.

` ` `"And you're behind the bush because...?"

` ` `"Oh yeah," replied Ugbarth, "See, we're waiting all hidden-like for travelers to come by. Then...we waylay 'em!"

` ` `"Waylay?"

` ` `"You know, rob them, kill them, eat them."

` ` `Raztar made some kind of gesture to get Ugbarth's attention.

` ` `"Oh yeah, and if we find any women, well...you know."

` ` `"Ah, I see. You know, that's pretty douchey."

` ` `"We're goblins."

` ` `"Fair enough. So, I'm a traveller. Shouldn't you be waylaying me?"

` ` `"But you're not on the road, stupid."

` ` `"Oh. I guess that makes sense."

` ` `All of a sudden, Raztar made a flurry of hand gestures to Ugbarth, who brightened and looked at me, "Hey, you know three waylayers are always better than two. You wanna help us out? You'll get an even share of everything: money, women, human flesh."

` ` `"That's...tempting, but I kinda got something I'm already doing."

` ` `Another flurry of gestures from Raztar and Ugbarth put his finger to his lips, "Shh! Someone's coming."

` ` `From my vantage point, I couldn't see the traveler yet, but Ugbarth could, "What's that pink face doing? Oh, douche. He's tweeting. Tweeting while walking. Only hardcore douchebags walk and tweet at the same time. This goomfat is getting an ax to his schnarken balls."

` ` `"Hey, wait a minute!" I exclaimed after I could finally see the walk-and-tweeter, "I know that guy! He's one of my friends! That's Joey!"

` ` `"Wait, the walk-and-tweeter is your friend?! Does that mean we can't waylay 'im?"

` ` `"Weeeeell......no, no you can't waylay him. Sorry."

` ` `"Aw, khisbarth!"

` ` `"Hey, it's been real, but I gotta go. Me and walk-and-tweeter gotta see a couple guys about some poseurs."

` ` `"Oh, well, good luck with that."

` ` `"Thanks."

` ` `"If you're ever in this neck o' the woods again, then look us up. Just follow the trail of human bones."

` ` `"Will do. Good luck with the waylaying. I'll see ya when I see ya."

` ` `With that I waved goodbye, left the bushes, and walked down to the road to meet Joey. Since he was looking down at his phone, he didn't notive me as I walked up to him until I'd grabbed the phone, thrown it into the dirt, and stomped it into several million pieces.

` ` `"Hey, what the fuck, dude?!" he protested, "That shit isn't...is that cheering I hear?"

` ` `"Shut up, Joey. I told you, we have to maintain communications silence on a mission. No phones."

` ` `"Oh, right. I knew that!"

` ` `And so, one moron heavier, I continued my quest to find the rest of my company. Not knowing what else to do, we strolled on down the road, hoping that Oscar and Kerry might have had the same idea. After several miles, we still hadn't left the forest, and there was still no sign of our companions, so we were passing the time with a spirited intellectual debate...

` ` `"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about!" I retorted contemptuously, "Pamela Anderson is the definition of a butterface."

` ` `"It's not about how her face looks," argued Joey, "Her face just radiates sex. She doesn't even have to be trying, but those fuck-me eyes still command your boner to attention."

` ` `"If by 'radiates sex' you mean 'transmits hepatitis', then I agree. Even if I doubled up, I'd still have to stick my dick in bleach after fucking that skeeze. Besides, she never had shit on Carmen Electra anyway."

` ` `"Oh, and you wanna talk about stickin' your dick in bleach? How is she any less of a skeeze than Pamela Anderson? Didn't she fuck Tommy Lee too? Doesn't that mean she has the same hep that Pamela has?"

` ` `"Hey, skeeze she may be, but everything Pamela does, Carmen does better. I'll bet she even sucked Tommy Lee's dick better too. Besides, dumb brunette trumps dumb blonde any day of the week. End of discussion."

` ` `But before Joey could respond, I put my finger to my lips and whispered, "Shh! Do you hear that?"

` ` `"Hear what?"

` ` `"I don't know. It sounds like...slapping."

` ` `"Slapping?...Hey, I think I hear it too. It's coming from over there," said Joey, pointing down the road.

` ` `As we slowly crept towards the sound, it steadily became louder. It was indeed some kind of slapping sound; soft, rhythmic, and...vigorous. It seemed to be coming from behind a tree just off of the road.

` ` `"Dude!" whispered Joey in amazement, "I...I think somebody's whackin' off behind that tree..."

` ` `"Dude...seriously? Who whacks off in the woods?"

` ` `"Robin Hood?"

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Well, he lives in the woods. What else is he gonna do?"

` ` `"Bang Maid Marian?"

` ` `"But she's a maid. He can't hit that till he marries her. And he can't marry her till he kills King John. And by then he wouldn't be living in the woods anymore."

` ` `"What about the chicks in the secret forest town. You know, like in that Kevin Costner movie."

` ` `"Oh, that movie kicked ass!"

` ` `"I know."

` ` `"But all those chicks would have been the Merry Mens' families. You don't bang your friends' wives or daughters. That's not cool."

` ` `"But they're outlaws."

` ` `"So?"

` ` `"So, they probably had, like, forest orgies, you know?"

` ` `"Dude, they weren't druids."

` ` `"Druids have forest orgies?"

` ` `"Probably."

` ` `"I'll have to remember that. But we're getting off-topic here."

` ` `"Oh yeah. So what, are we just gonna sneak past Slap Happy over there?"

` ` `"Nah, man. I gotta better idea. Just, be quiet, be quiet. I got this."

` ` `Turning to the tree, I cupped my hands around my mouth and shouted, "HEY, YOU!!! BEHIND THE TREE!!! PUT THE DICK DOWN AND STEP OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP!!!"

` ` `The slapping abruptly stopped, and we heard the frantic sounds of fumbling before a man stumbled from behind the tree, looking around in panic and struggling to pull up his pants.

` ` `And then I recognized the self-polluter.

` ` `"Oscar?" I asked, tentatively.

` ` `"What-what are you doing here?!" he replied in shock.

` ` `"I might ask you the same thing."

` ` `"I-I was...relieving myself."

` ` `"I can see that."

` ` `Joey had said nothing by this point, as he too busy being doubled over with hysterical laughter and struggling to breath, but now he sucked in a gulp of air and hoarsely asked, voice alive with mirth, "Dude! Were you just shaking hands with the Governor behind that tree?!"

` ` `"Wh-what?!" he thundered in fear-laced indignation, "Of course not! I would never shame myself so in public!"

` ` `"Dude, come on," I responded, "We both heard you goin' at yourself. We all do it. It's no big deal."

` ` `Then a memory surfaced, and I turned to Joey with wonder, "Dude, you remember that feast? The one where we caught Oscar doing something with his hand under the table? And he told us he was putting his dagger in its sheath? I think he was...you know...putting his dagger in its sheath."

` ` `Joey's mouth dropped open, "Oh yeah! And you remember after Wacken, when we were having that week-long festival and he kept disappearing into the porta potties for like half an hour at a time? I just figured he had diarrhea."

` ` `"Lies!" screamed Oscar shrilly, "I'm not like you! I am not a deviant!"

` ` `"Dude, give it up," I replied, "We all know you like to spank the monkey in the supermarket."

` ` `His face purple with rage, Oscar exploded, "All right! All right! I was...pleasuring myself! But what do you expect?! Some of us don't have such low standards! So some of us have to...made do! And sometimes...some of us...require some...variety...to keep things...fresh." This last was said quietly, with his head hanging down, staring at the ground.

` ` `"It's okay dude," I said comfortingly, putting my arm around his shoulders, "I understand. Well, not really, but it's gonna be okay. We'll get you a nice high-class call girl at the next town. Okay?"

` ` `"O...okay..."

` ` `"Now come on, Robin Hood."

` ` `"What?"

` ` `"Nothing."

` ` `A few more miles down the road, a few more jokes at Oscar's expense, and a cigarette or three, and I was beginning to feel pretty good. I woke up to sunshine and some strange, had a nice walk through the woods, and now I only had one more companion to find. It was amazing how one good day could erase a night of attempted cannibalism. Now if only I could find some poseurs to wail on.

` ` `Just as I was enjoying my little reverie, I was again stopped by a strange noise. "Hey, you fuckers hear that?" I asked.

` ` `"Aw, not again!" Joey exclaimed in disgust and turned to Oscar, "How many of you sick freaks are there in this fucking forest?"

` ` `Ignoring him, Oscar cocked his head to listen, "It sounds like...shouting. I believe it is coming from somewhere to the left of the road."

` ` `"You sure it's not just someone having a really good go at themselves?"

` ` `Oscar continued to ignore Joey, but he was starting to look like he'd eaten a lemon.

` ` `Drawing our swords, we cautiously made our way off of the road and into the trees. About half a mile away from the road, we discovered a large cave. From the smoke billowing out of the mouth of the cave, it was obviously occupied. The rather loud and colorful swearing coming from inside was another clue.

` ` `"You stupid, god damn, piece of shit motherfuckers! I'll fucking............and then shove it so far up your fucking ass I'll kick your teeth out, you............mother's a fat, ugly slut with genital warts bigger than her saggyass tits!............rip out your rib cage and take a shit on your heart, you wart-fucking son of a............"

` ` `You get the idea.

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