This movie was ass.
I realized in the opening credits that I wasn’t going to like this movie. Why?
Screenplay by Damon Lindelof.
Mr. Lindelof, I applaud you for trying. I really do. You have a great job where you get to write about whatever pops into you head in order to bring it to million for enjoyment. Now I need you to stop. Please stop. I understand that you didn’t write this alone but you had part in it and that’s why I’m mad at you.
Cowboys and Aliens. Sh*t.
Prometheus. Sh*t, albeit visually stunning and acted wonderfully by Michael Fassbender and Naomi Rapace.
Star Trek : Into Darkness. Sh*t.
World War Z. Sh*t.
Stop it.
Now that I’m done sounding like a jerk, let me explain a few things. Zombie movies have been being made for over forty years. In that span we have seen some brilliant ones (Dawn of the Dead, Return of the Dead) and some not so brilliant (Anything Romero has done since and this film). It confuses me so much that after forty years and a flat out amazing book by Max Brooks that a zombie movie with such a huge budget could turn out so flat and empty. By the way, I went into this film completely erasing my memory of the book. The two are two different mediums and entities. I am in no way pissed off that the movie was nothing like the book. I expected it. I did not however expect a script that seemed like it was written by a fourteen year old who just saw the remake of Dawn of the Dead for the first time. The film had no drive, no character development, and no point. They were here and a bad thing happened so now we’re here. Why? I don’t have any clue. There was no actual explanation for many of the actions, just simple statements of intent. This is a problem that Mr. Lindelof has. He has an idea and wants so bad to get to the finish line that he forgets to give the script any meat in the middle. I could have walked out and came back in an hour and not have missed much. They didn’t go into how zombies work. They didn’t explain it really at all. Zombies are intricate beings that can be explained in a few simple statements and none of them were made in this film. I could have been told they all had a bad case of strep throat and it would have been just as believable. I was just very disappointed.
WARNING : MINOR SPOILER THAT’S NOT EVEN A SPOILER CAUSE IT’S IN THE TRAILER
There is a scene on an airplane. A zombie comes and decides to ruin sh*t in the coach area. Nobody in first class seems to be aware that just behind them is a screaming pack of animals trying to fend off a screaming pack of animals. It’s chaos. Brad Pitt wakes up from a stupid nightmare he’s having and thinks something is wrong. It is not until he reaches the THIN PAPER OF A DIVIDER between first class and coach that it’s apparent that there is savage murder happening. I want to know where to get that curtain because apparently it blacks out sound better than an airlock at NASA.
Stupid.
Now for the zombies. I hate fast zombies. They’re completely ass backwards to what zombies are supposed to be. Even in their own right they just look stupid. The fact that this movie is PG-13 and that a heavy dose of CGI was used 100% of the time didn’t help matters. They were laughable at times. The theater laughed at them. This is not the desired effect that zombies should have on the viewer. It’s a shame. I actually feel sad because I don’t know if I’m going to see a true to science zombie for quite some time.
I hope I don’t sound like an ass because I really wanted to like this movie. The first twenty minutes were actually pretty enjoyable but the whole thing just took a nosedive and ended up being a bore and a chore to get through. The end of the film was just so weak and anticlimactic. Hell, it didn’t even make much sense but I won’t spoil the fun. There’s no reason to pay twelve dollars to see this film. Wait until it comes out on DVD and only watch it when you have nothing else better to watch or you’re doing your taxes. This is the only way your time will not be wasted.
1/5