Engine

Yes I did notice the interesting placement of the single's titles. And thanks, I know for sure that I need to cut down. It's not about my writing or general behavior so much. I isolate enough that when I'm blackout drunk I stay away from the computer, phone, and car keys. Also I try not to get wasted in public but it is to the point that, when I am with people, there's a 50/50 chance that I'm going to say or do something embarrassing or otherwise regrettable. Mostly it's that I know I can't keep the habit without serious health risks. Also I know I'm self-medicating and I feel like I should check on how many and which kind of demons surface when I'm not drinking.

Also, I don't think that Hunnam is a terrible actor, and his accent is definitely passable on SoA but in this film I watched it was like he was barely even trying not to sound like a Brit. I may have just been in a hyper-critical mood when I watched it.


On to Day Two

I woke up early this morning feeling pretty optimistic having finished day one. I didn’t sleep very well or very long though. About every three hours I woke up from a dream but I only remember the last one. It involved one of my best friends from high school who died a few years after we graduated. In the dream he never died and was working in some kind of travel agency. I told him that I needed a plane ticket to somewhere in Europe (I forget which city I would be flying into), that I needed to leave today or tomorrow, and asked if he could get me something inexpensive. He told me that he could get me a ticket for $70 and I was thrilled. Then I went and met with another old friend of mine and told him about the situation. This friend says, “there’s no way that he can do that, that ticket would be at least $700!” I replied that I was told that I could come by and pick up the ticket right now. Other friend warned me that this would definitely get him in trouble at work. I decided that the best course of action was to grab the ticket before it was too late. Then I woke up feeling sad about my dead friend in general, and worse that I was willing to fuck him over like that.

But I chalked that up to simply a bad dream and got up feeling pretty positive. I had a protein shake and did some half-assed cardio bursts that still brought buckets of sweat. I did this while watching the last available episode of Sherlock (S2E3), which was pretty great. I had plans to do a lot of things today to keep myself occupied but I soon got fatigued and started the laying around like I did yesterday.

This time I didn’t watch anything on TV at all. I lied there doing nothing at all other than spending some time talking to a friend who I hadn’t been in touch with for a while, which was nice. When I got hungry I made a meal, ate it, and felt nauseated about 15 minutes later. This happened yesterday as well. Today it was to the point that I thought I might actually vomit but the feeling passed. I had a slight case of the sweats so I cranked the A/C down to a profligate level and this made me feel better.

I only listened to one album today, several rotations. I didn’t want anything too upbeat or too depressing so I settled on Darker Than Blue: Soul From Jamdown, 1973-1980, an awesome album that I’m sure I’ve discussed somewhere here on MB at some point. It’s a collection of reggae covers of soul and R&B songs. Highly recommended:


My appetite never came back and I still don’t feel like drinking but I don’t feel like doing anything else either. After I post this I’ll probably go back to bed.

__________________

Like an arrow,
I was only passing through.