Last Three Months Theme - Entry Five: Which Wolf Do You Feed?
7. Casiotone For the Painfully Alone
I was driving through Half Moon Bay on my way home from Santa Cruz on an uncharacteristically dry, clear November day. I pulled off of Highway One at a lonely turnout on the coastline to sit and watch the sunset. I walked away from the road and closer to the water and climbed onto a boulder – a broken piece of the cliffs typical of Northern California beaches, and from atop my mountain I looked down over the sea and watched as the horizon disintegrated slowly into obscurity. I was reminded of a trait Kurt Vonnegut adopted from his uncle which he then shared in his book “A Man Without a Country.” His uncle, Kurt related, when doing something enjoyable such as sitting in the garden and sipping lemonade would often acknowledge and vocalize how nice the moment was – he wouldn’t let it pass by disregarded. Kurt then wrote, “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.’” I have also adopted this habit, and sitting at the ocean as dusk set in I said the words quietly to myself.
There was nothing particularly special about the experience – I’ve seen dozens of sunsets at the beach and I’ve made the drive up the coastal highway dozens of times – but for whatever reason sitting alone at that moment I felt contented to my core. That feeling is what comes to mind when I listen to Casiotone for the Painfully Alone. The cheerful, cheap keyboards and fuzzy drum beats paired with earnest narrations and genuine lyrical confessions is something I find utterly lovely – and I’ve discovered no matter how many times I’ve heard it I can’t listen to a track without pausing to acknowledge its niceness. Bay Area native Owen Ashworth is the mastermind behind the lo-fi indietronica solo-project. His albums contain some of the most heart-wrenching songwriting I’ve heard, his lyrics at once playful, stoic, and desperately miserable. I suppose my use of the word “nice” may differ from the way it is construed by other people. This juxtaposition of niceness beside misery, pain paired with pleasure, sorrow communicated through cheerful melodies reminds me of a Cherokee legend.
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An old Grandfather said to his grandson, who came to him angry at a friend who he felt had done him an injustice, "Let me tell you a story...
“I too, at times, have felt a great resentment for those who have taken so much ,with no seeming sorrow or remorse for what they do. I have struggled with these feelings many times." He continued, "It is as if there are two wolves inside me engaged in a challenging conflict.
"One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego. The littlest thing will set him into a fit of temper. He fights everyone, all the time, for no reason. He cannot think because his anger and hate are so great. It is helpless anger, for his anger will change nothing.”
He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. He does no harm. He lives in harmony with all around him, and does not take offense when no offense was intended. He will only fight when it is right to do so, and in the right way.
“Sometimes, it is a challenge to live with these two wolves inside me, for both of them try to dominate my spirit. The same challenge is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"
The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."
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As I go through therapy and engage with my own two wolves, I find the battle between light and dark to be more difficult than I had anticipated. Healing, in itself, is a process, and one which requires a great deal of effort and, indeed, a hunger for recovery.